Rebuilding my Castle...

[job]

Heather,
I suggest that you "explore" those feelings that you have concerning abandonment, anger, etc. w/an IC. If you can't afford an IC, then maybe your minister/pastor of your church will be of help to you or assist you in finding someone to talk to. You have some serious issues that need to be worked through and resolved in order for you to find inner peace and happiness. It's important that you get to the root of why you feel the way you do.

[AJM]

I second what Job said, Heather. And glad to see you are putting the feelings on the table. But exploring that is a good idea in my opinion.

You seem to be nibbling at other things as well, Heather but focusing on those parts as Job suggested is likely a really good idea. I think you are making some pretty good connections to and between things and would like to see them through and put to rest. I know I would like you to be able to put them to rest at some point - now that you are starting to see them


AJ

[LoisB]

Hi Everyone,

I need to check in.

Last week, the company sent out a mass email. They let go of 5 employees because of financial difficulties. One of the employees is someone I consider a friend. She is a valuable employee and has been with the company for 30 years. She was lucky to receive severance. Another employee, after 36 years, was given no severance. Everyone was given two weeks' notice.

I don't like this company. I don't like how they treat people. I don't like how they've treated me.

Now...I don't know why the Lord is giving me these challenges. I'm looking at the positive...

I've been in a sorta boot camp of chaos for the past 8 months and I'm still standing. I've learned a lot and feel confident I can handle a writing job with a better managed (and nicer) company.

Still. I'm ready for LESS pressure--or at least, less of a feeling of impending doom. I realize it's my action that will alter this situation. I'm looking. Trying hard to push away the thoughts that say, "Heather, this is crazy! How will you be able to afford moving again?! How will you be able to do this?! YOU can't do this! YOU are doomed!"

I'm not doomed. This is where I've learned what I'm made of. I can handle this. I just need to use my creativity and intelligence. Luckily, I have reams of both. :-)

Part of the challenge here is sorting through all the choices. I feel like there are so many directions/opportunities and I don't know which to choose. I also know that whatever I choose, needs to be a permanent place for D12 and I. We need to settle in somewhere.

We've had some good conversations, one yesterday, where she told me she doesn't like how stressed I've been in this position. She isn't thrilled with the harsh winters here.

Trying to listen to God as opposed to controlling the outcome.

I'm reaching out for support...In the last month, I've had two counseling sessions and met with a pastor who happens to be friends with Dick Bolles who wrote What Color is Your Parachute. He gave me lots of good stuff to think about. Oddly enough, we met the day before I received the email. Also, the counselor's husband worked for this company for 30 years. She told me she always felt it was mismanaged and pulled her hair out at times with their decisions and so forth. It was validating.

[job]

Heather,
It's good that you checked in. I'm surprised that they didn't start at the bottom of the rung and let the people go who didn't have much time in. I guess they were taking into account that they had people very close to retirement age and wanted to clean house because of the age, time w/the company and yes, they were the ones making the higher salaries. So, now the question is...where do you fall into the scheme of things? Are they now redistributing the work and you will get more or will that work stay within the area of where the people were located?

This particular job was a stepping stone for you. It was there to help motivate you to relocate, find a job outside the home and yes, hone your skills a bit more. Now, it's time for you, Heather, to get your resume together and get it sent out. BTW, I'm still waiting for you to send me a draft so that I can provide you w/some feedback. But, that's up to you as to whether you still want to do so.

I don't blame your daughter...the winter was very cold and snowy. Maybe you need to think about relocating back to Ohio or coming south a bit more. Time to put your thinking cap on and start planning and exploring other areas. Time to pull out a sheet of paper, jot down your choices, then make a list of the pros and cons. You've got some time to really think about what you want to do.

I'm glad to see that you are reaching out for support. This is a huge step in the right direction. If you want to chat, you know where I am.

Good luck!

[LoisB]

As far as the recent posts...I appreciate the thoughts and support. I've learned so much on these boards and received so much support.

I'm not sure it's helpful to tell anyone on an Internet forum that they have serious problems. I realize the boards leave a lot of room for conjecture and it's hard to always get a handle on what people are really going through/trying to express.

I can assure you, I'm OK. I've been under a lot of stress. And, I've had some validation from others in real-time that I'm experiencing my own power/value and this may come off, on here, as bitterness. In truth, feeling and expressing that anger has been an awakening for me to accept people for who they are.

The anger comes in waves, like the sadness, and each time, I get a little closer to letting it go.

I realized this week that I don't obsess about Matt anymore. He isn't in my thoughts 24/7. He is on a shelf in my brain, as opposed to being in the spotlight.

I grew up in a very constipated environment where my every feeling and need was either ignored, discredited, belittled, controlled, judged, etc...It was a very, very stifled, abusive childhood. I felt guilty when asking my mother to make me breakfast even at the age of 5 or 6. My needs were never respected or taken seriously.

My parents did their best. And, I'm sure I've passed some of those qualities onto my kids...One of the few ways my parents were able to be there for me, was financially. And, I'm grateful.

And, I know I still have to deal with my dad. Ick.

I've also been living in poverty with a beggar mentality for a long time. That experience didn't blossom in a vacuum. It happened over years and years...It became the norm. Now that I'm smashing the norm, I've needed some anger in order to maintain the energy to keep going. It's also helped by providing some adrenalin to look at my situation with clarity.

I'm accustomed to people telling me, "Heather, this is who you are. These are your limitations. This what you should do. This is what you need to do. This is what you can't even think of doing because you aren't capable."

I've felt for a long time now that the boards could be served with some guidelines/suggestions for posting responses based only on the posting person's experience. There's a lot of "You need to do such-and-such..." These journeys we take are so profound and deep, I'm really beginning to appreciate how each person has a different path with a unique set of issues to face.

In my counseling sessions and out, I'm becoming aware of how important it is to express my feelings and quit beating myself up. I've been in a pressure cooker for 3 years now.I made decisions, good and bad, in an effort to keep moving forward and keep everyone fed and loved...

I wasn't raised in an environment...and I certainly didn't have a marriage, where it was safe for me to express whatever feelings I have.

I learned early to stuff the stress. Even if I handled the stress poorly, my instincts have told me I HAVE to let it out...

The consensus I'm getting...transitions aren't always pretty. I'm emerging from decades of living in a rigid, emotionally-harsh environment to one of my own creation...something more akin to the loving childhood I didn't experience.

I have a lot of issues to work through still. My suggestion to anyone new on the boards...FEEL IT. EXPRESS IT. Whatever you may be feeling, let it out, somehow, someway. Don't stuff it and turn it inward.

Had a weird interaction with my mother...when is there ever a normal interaction with my mother? It was fairly illuminating in terms of our relationship. I think it was helpful in a strange way.

My mother is always on Facebook. So, on Mother's Day, I posted this funny video and a comment to my mother. I kept calling her and reaching out to her to tell her to look.

Finally, at the end of the day, she calls me in tears. She is lonely and missing everyone...I guess Me? I don't know. She is, mainly, however, upset because the high school sweetheart she loved and thought she was reuniting with is seeing someone else and rejected her. She found this out about a year ago. She goes on and on crying to me and how she misses him and all this...

I realized she never looks at my Facebook page. I'm an afterthought. That's fine...before I get the..."Heather, what do you expect..." I get it. That's who she is...

But, have you ever known something in your brain, but weren't able to digest it in your heart? This was one of those times.

She is in her own strange world. And, I'm an afterthought. All these times I've been trying, over and over and over and over, to convince Matt that I'm worthwhile and valuable and worth his effort...I think I've really been trying to convince my mother...who has always had something or someone more important. I share it here because, besides my sister--who I did reach out to, I don't have anyone else who knows my mother or understands our history.

When I met with the counselor with the Asperger's expertise she explained some things that were really helpful in terms of my growth and D12's. She believes I have some strong traits.

As a child, kids on spectrum, more than other children, listen the to "RULES" of life. We take these rules very seriously and accumulate them from friends, family, even TV. Because we take the rules so seriously, we tend to doubt our own perceptions of the world.

So, and I see this with the company in particular, someone does something that is socially or politically a bit difficult to digest...we question. The main clue we usually have as to the reality, is our feelings.

In other words, I have a hard time trusting my own perceptions because I'm used to following a very literal view of the world. I will drive myself into the ground trying to please and fulfill those "rules" until my feelings give me a sound reason to stop. I.E. The company email...even though I've known for months that this company is run by jerks.

Also, people with Asperger traits deal with stress differently. For me, getting out the door to work is a huge ordeal. Tripping on my way out the door is enough for me to feel enormous frustration and "Why God! Why Me!" It's vital for me to express those, even ridiculous feelings of frustration, in order to move forward. Otherwise, those frustrations build and, before I know it, I'm lost in a pity party.

Feel it, express it, move on.

Once I express it...I can't tell you how quickly I get to the moving on stage. But, no matter how silly, bitter, whatever...it's absolutely paramount, that I allow myself to feel it in a safe way...

This board has been, up until recently, my method of letting those feelings out, moving on.

I guess that's why I was a bit surprised when I got these responses that I had serious problems. Here, I had moved forward, even forgotten what I wrote, had this great day and then...I was told, whoa, I'm not as OK as I thought...

I guess I've reached another wave in this process where I'm examining myself and my life experiences in a different way.

I just wish God would put up a Billboard telling me what my purpose is and what to do next. Where to go.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job.

We've decided we do not want to go back to Ohio.

I have thought about Asheville. My aunt lives there and I'd be midway between Ohio and my sister.

Still, this area is sooo beautiful. And, I've thought about the other side of the Adirondacks--Lake Champlain? I could network among the publishers of NYC? Be closer to the history we love in New England. I wouldn't have to deal with changing states and Matt's permission and all that.

Yet...The people around here are a bit aloof. I hear that's the New England way? It would be nice to live somewhere that people are more open and friendly like the south.

But, then, am I ruining opportunities I have here? I've met a few book authors and developed relationships...

I've actually made a quite a few friends and some could be good friends.

Starting over somewhere else sounds like so much work. Especially for me.

[LoisB]

But, the Adirondacks is desperately poor too and can be depressing.

I love Lake Placid, but we'd have to drive 40 minutes to a Walmart.

There's north and there's a strong homeschool community.

But, I love the mountains. We like lakes and mountains.

Gotta get ready for work.

[job]

Why not sit down and make a list of places that you would like to investigate, do some internet searches, and then take some time and chat w/people to see what their views are on the places? No matter where you move, especially in the north, you are going to have cold, snowy weather and that's something you have to take into consideration since your daughter mentioned the weather.

As for losing opportunities w/the people you have developed relationships with? I don't see that as a problem...why? You have the telephone and the internet. You are just a click away from your friends, authors, etc. There are plenty of author that live across the country. There are several right here in my location that write and have their work published in new York. In fact, one who passed away a couple of years ago, only lived 15 miles from me. So, it's not the fact that you have to live right in the area, but it's more of getting into the groove of staying in contact frequently.

Again, this is something you have to think about. I just wanted to provide you w/some examples of people who live in other areas, write up their work and then either hand carry or electronically send their work to publishers for review and hopefully get their articles and books published.

I hope everything works out for you.

[LoisB]

I'm afraid I'll make a bad decision :-)

Gotta. Set that aside.

I know I don't want to drive the 7.5 - 9 hours I drive each week now.

[job]

Heather,
We all are afraid of making wrong decisions in this life...but we have to try to get out of that mode of thinking in order to move forward. Even if you make a bad decision, you learn from that mistake and will think twice before doing so again.

Just imagine, if Adam had not eaten the apple Eve offered to him, the world would be a perfect place and you know what? It might have just gotten boring after a while. Always remember, no one is perfect, but we do the best we can w/what we have to work with.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes...that's why erasers are on the ends of pencils. Mistakes can be corrected in time.