Separated...and working on it

[Di-mond]

Mahhhty,

I have never heard of TEDx talk. Not sure we have this up here in Canada.
I have been trying to get her into youth counselling, but she is adamantly against it. I understand she is afraid of change, this is scary and new to both of us, but she needs to grow up. I have a week before I go away, we will need to make the most of it and get her out there. Positive thinking!

In the meantime, I think my H is finally on the mend. He is still terrified I will find someone else while I'm in Europe. Lol! His problem, not mine. I have always been faithful to him and committed to my marriage. He will just have to deal with his feelings, like I had to ( and still am) with mine.

[Di-mond]

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

Hi Bob,

Thanks for stopping by. I so appreciate your support.

When my H first left I went to the dollar store and bought a cheap wall plaque. I hung it in my front hallway, so every time I walked in or out of the house I would see it. It says:

"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!"

Patience and counting my blessings every day!

*hugs*

[Bob723]

"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!"

Patience and counting my blessings every day!

Diana,

You're very welcome! I like that saying a lot. I am going to write it down.

I'm happy to hear that you have patience and count your blessings every day. I try my best to do the same.

Take care of yourself, please?

{{{Diana}}}

[mahhhty]

In the meantime, I think my H is finally on the mend. He is still terrified I will find someone else while I'm in Europe. Lol! His problem, not mine. I have always been faithful to him and committed to my marriage. He will just have to deal with his feelings, like I had to ( and still am) with mine.

Damn right he will! Tell him to get his head out of his arse. He can't have his cake and eat it too!

As for TEDx, google Ted Talks and you will find a ton of videos, but there are also live events in the US and Canada. They are very motivational (as long as you can find the right topics. Topics range from wildlife, ocean, etc to personal development, achievement, success).

[Di-mond]

Well, I'm on my way. Three weeks in Europe. My H cried this morning. He didn't want me to go. I didn't want to go either. Sigh!

This will be a big test all the way around. I have to let go of trying to micro manage everything. My kids will have to step up and be responsible for the house and themselves. My H will have to miss him as much as I miss him and we will have to trust each other.

[Di-mond]

I'm coming home in 3 days. I've missed my H quite a lot. We have talked daily.
I do wonder what the future holds for us. We want to be together, but have many hurdles to cross. He has to move and establish his business in a new town and I have to get my house ready to sell, sell it, find homes for some of my cats, launch my adult children into the world, deal with my illness, figure out what to do about my job, find a new career, deal with my family, etc, etc.
One day at a time. When I think about all I have ahead of me I get overwhelmed sometimes.

[mahhhty]

I hope you had fun in Europe!

It sounds a lot like you have things to do and he has his things to do. I'm not sold, why aren't the two of you dealing with all of these things together? It seems like he gets to make the major moves and you get to follow and pick up the pieces.

[mahhhty]

How are things going?

[Di-mond]

I've been sick with a major cold for the last week and a half. Coughing, trouble breathing, swollen glands, infected eyes. Made it to a doctor Thursday and got codeine cough syrup and an asthma puffer for my lungs. Today I finally made it out and did a bit of grocery shopping.

My trip to Europe was stressful. I was there to take care of my 18 month old niece. My brother works all over the place and only flies home on weekends. My SIL is finally getting treatment for alcoholism and a slew of other problems. She is in a 15 week program. I took the first three weeks, but couldn't stay longer since I have monthly doctors appointments to deal with my health issues. My mother flew in the day before I left and will be looking after my niece until my SIL gets out of treatment. The biggest problem there is that my brother and SIL live in the same house as her parents. They are overbearing, righteous, greedy people that always have to stick their nose into everything. I grit my teeth for two weeks and kept calm, but the third week there my niece came down with a wicked cold(that she passed on to me) and my SIL's father was trash talking about me to my SIL and brother. I lost it on him. Told him that I am not his daughter and how dare he question my parenting ability. I have already raised kids, mostly as a single parent. Anyways, the trip was stressful. I was happy to spend time with my niece and of course ate all my favorite German foods. I was glad to come home.

Of course, once I got home I was so sick that I didn't make it out of bed for days. I was even too sick to scold my (adult) kids for leaving the house a complete and utter mess. Tuesday I finally had it out with my son. He brought his girlfriend and her kid over on a daily basis. They played house. Cooked here, watched TV here, often spent the night here (sleeping in my bed), but did not clean up after themselves at all. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen, dirty clothes on the floor in the basement, wrappers and garbage everywhere. I kicked them all out and read the riot act to my daughter about cleaning up after herself as well. Grumble!!!! Looks like my son will be of absolutely no help in getting this house ready to all.

Now to my husband. We were in daily contact while I was away. He was quite emotional at first, worried that I might not come back. Since I've been back things have been strained. He knows I have my doubts and that I feel a lot of resentment towards him for having to do the majority of the changes, especially getting the house cleaned out and ready to sell. Since I've been so sick I've also not spent a whole lot of time with him. To his credit, he has agreed to spend 2 to 3 days a week (depending on his teaching schedule) at the house with me to do some of the work. We will see if that will actually happen. He also came by a few times last week, offering to bring me cold medication and chicken noodle soup. On Thursday when I went to see the doctor about my cold, he rescheduled his students for the afternoon so he could go with me and make sure I was ok. I think he really is trying to make an effort. He has downloaded a copy of the 5 Love Languages. I told him that he needed to learn how to speak my love language and keep my love tank full and that I would try to do the same for him. He has gone away for the weekend to spend time with his best friend and to do some networking for his business in the city that he is moving to in September. One thing that always bothered me, is that when he would go down here for the weekend I would hardly ever hear from him. My IC and I talked about this in May and she suggested I tell him how I feel about it. It would be one way he could regain my trust. He fell off he wagon pretty much right away. When he called me Saturday morning I again told him that yes he is not a phone person and he doesn't text very often, but that this was not about him, it was about me and that I needed this to show me that he cares how I feel. He promised to try harder and for the rest of the day he text me a few times and called me in the evening to say goodnight. Small success!!! It made me happy.

Now my mini novel is done. Will journal again...sooner this time.

Thanks for checking in on me mahhhty!

[Di-mond]

Time to do a little update!
Not really sure if anyone is listening.

I had a couple meltdowns this week. I guess I still feel insecure about my H moving away in September. We went for dinner Friday night and a bike ride Saturday. We did have a great time, but I feel he is distancing himself from me. At the suggestion of my IC and our MC I did tell him that I need reassurance from him that he still wants me to move down there to be with him. He got defensive and upset about that. He says if He says it to me once he shouldn't have to say it again. I told him that he might be wired like that, but that I am not. I do believe my LL is words of affirmation. He has downloaded a copy of LL and I asked him to please read it to understand where I'm coming from. I do get upset sometimes that I get treated like a GF and not as a wife. He does always introduce me as his wife when we meet new people, but still I can't help how I feel. Difference is that when I was his GF he actually tried to be loving and kind to me. Often I feel like an afterthought to him. Sometimes I wonder if he is the right man for me. Even he has said that. If he is not the right man for me he will walk away and be happy for me. What does that mean? Arrrggghhh! I get so frustrated at times. If he wants me in his life like he says he does, why does he not make more of an effort? I know I should be happy that we are"together", that he tells me he loves me every day. At times I feel like I should hold back and not tell him how I feel. I do try to have a PMA and STFU when we are out on a date or spending time together. It's hard! I have been sick with a nasty cold for the past few weeks, so my GAL activities and working around the house have suffered. This week, hopefully I will be able to get back on the wagon for those. I know being sick and miserable makes me more needy. I don't want to need him, but I do want him in my life.
Financially he is having a hard time and he has said he's not sure if he can afford to move by September. Not sure if this was the wrong thing to do, but I did suggest that he could come home and save up money for his move and go down after Christmas. The rescuer in me coming out again.
I did have an eye opener this week at our accountants. I got actual figures on his income over the past two years. He only made $8000 one year and $11000 for last year. No wonder he kept dipping into our joint account. That barely even covers his bills. Moving forward, that is something that has to change. Now that I'm on disability and possible have to leave my job of 17 years, I can not afford to support him as well as myself. I know I still carry some resentment over the fact he worked so little, while I worked myself half to death and still had to do 99% of the housework. I think another appointment with my IC is in order. Grumble!
Does it seem sometimes that he is cake eating? Maybe when he moves he won't want me to be with him after all? I need to find a way to be ok with either scenario. Is there a way to DB and piece at the same time?