Funny one today. I pick up my girls, and I guess the W got a cat. We have had 2 dogs forever, and they couldn't take cats. First thought it really is over this time. No way we could live together again with the dogs and cat. Ugh, it's so better to just not know what's going on.
I've really been focusing letting go. A few days of no contact, not trying get her back with words. But, it's also leading to questions of why I am doing this, and is it all really worth it. I have been over 50 days of no porn addiction or anything associated with it. Makes me feel good, but it also shows that the ither things I lost control on. My anger, drinking when I was younger, my chewing tobacco habit, things like that. It's like I have no self control, but want to try and control everything else. I have never prayed as much as I have recently, for strength and guidance, in everything. I don't want to control the world anymore. It's taken up too much of my life already.
The other night I had my kids, and I was still looking at my phone. Reading stuff on here, or playing games. It's still like I'm just checked out of reality. I have been going home and putting the phone in the bedroom, and just leaving it. This another form of no self control. I can't even put away a simple device to enjoy my time with kids. My back or hip, whichever it is, isn't helping either. I'm trying to get an MRI done to see if they can find the problem, but it's a hassle with insurance and now waiting in imaging place to call. I'm tired of being in pain, and not wanting to do much. I try to just let it go, but if it hurts it hurts.
I do want to let go though. It's tiring and unproductive to be this way around the W, and vice versa. Constant anger, constant distance, it has broken my heart. Everything I did, all the bad stuff, can be explained by my lack of impulse and self control. I want to beat this, everything in my life that's sour. I don't care if she's there or not, I just don't want to be this way anymore. Now if only I had the patients to see the light. One day perhaps I will.
I have been over 50 days of no porn addiction or anything associated with it.
WOW! That is great!
Overcoming bad habits is hard enough, and to break several addictions is really tough. Do you find yourself caving to one of the other areas of addiction, whenever this one is tempting you?
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The other night I had my kids, and I was still looking at my phone. Reading stuff on here, or playing games. It's still like I'm just checked out of reality.
Gaming and phone addictions can take over a person's life, that's for sure. It concerns me how the entire planet seems controlled by the cell phone.
You may feel you have checked out of reality, but your life has had a major hit. Anyone would feel the effects, and when you are undertaking such huge areas of personal growth, I would think you could feel as if you are shutting down at times. You have to figure out how to live life in a new and different way.
Don't set yourself up for failure and get overwhelmed with depression. Continue to get help for your anger issues, drinking, etc. If dieters need group therapy, I would think these other issues would need a lot of support.
Is your C giving you solid information or solution based advice, or are your sessions more about what led you to drink, etc.? You are probably well read in addictive personalities, but if not, I wish you would google it and just take a look at the top signs of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have not been to C in a while. I can't afford it right now. But I have beat the drinking. Really after kids that wasn't an issue. And yes I have read up on the addictive personality very much. I am still working on anger issues, but a lot of that derives from past hurts that I am letting go. The only thing it seems I can't give up is the chewing tobacco. It will probably be the last thing to go. I hope once I find a new place to live and get settled I can start C sessions again. I learned a lot and it has helped.
I guess really gaming in the phone is probably my biggest vice when I get tempted. A little more on drinking. Binged thru college and early 20's. It was a release for things from the past. I've figured out what triggers a lot of things for me. That's the key to beating the addictions.
I'd say you have accomplished quite a bit. When you have those moments of feeling like a failure, look at where you were... and what you have been able to do. Even with guidance from professionals and group support, it takes self control. So, you do have it, and you are working hard to fix these areas in your life. I admire men who can admit what they need to do, and then actually go about doing it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you very much for the kind words. I think it's just really sinking in that, I need to do this now. I have felt really good the last few days. Maybe turning a corner, at least I hope.
Today she insisted contact about schedule. She has to do it because of her work and school stuff. So we share days, split right down the middle numbers wise. She realizes she's not going to get to see them as much though, late nights for her, sends me a sad face, I don't send anything back. Then says that she won't be able to take them to Oklahoma, her dad and step moms lake house, says it will kill our d5, I simply say you will have to talk to her. She asked my opinion on schedule I said it looks good. That's it nothing about us, nothing about coming back, and I just say it's starting to feel right. Not giving in, and just resizing that I can't do a damn thing.
Last night she texted about something as well. I just texted back short responses. Her Gma has cancer though, and is having surgery next Friday. She just lost her gpa over Xmas, so I felt bad. Told I would be thinking about her Gma, and hope it goes well. But that's it. I don't think that was too bad. Even though I want nothing more than to be there for her, I know I can't. And I know it's useless. When we got back together for a bit I found that trying to just be nice was working, but then it all fell apart once together. I don't think it will come back, and that's okay. I just want to live happy, and I'm getting slowly.
I just want to talk for a bit about me. I don't really get the urges too much anymore for the porn or the alcohol. 3 weeks ago I went to a restaurant, had dinner and a beer. I could barely finish the beer and didn't care for more. It's kind of the same thing with the porn. It's gone, I still get a tick from it every once in a while, but overall my brain is getting back to a normal state. I don't just look at women and automatically think sexual thoughts. I think I would be happier just snuggling for a bit. I find I'm missing the closeness, the non sexual intimate moments the most. I just want to set next to a woman, hold her hand, put my arm around her, that kind of thing. I think that's what would make me happiest. But I have a while till I can see if that's really true.
I'm thinking if I can afford it, possibly trying nicotene gum for my chewing tobacco habit. Thee have been periods of a few months I quit, but I always go back. Has anyone used the gum for quitting smoking or such? Any bad results or is it really expensive?
I so badly want to text back and say, it doesn't have to be this way, you are choosing this way, it's all up to you. I don't want this, for you or the girls, so let's just forget it all and move past it. Ugh, in the past I would have just sent that and then panicked when I wouldn't get a response. I'm learning, it's just taking forever. I'm am way to stubborn.
