Met the WAW for a coffee today....some of her comments...
1. 'your new haircut looks good...' 2. 'I think we had to break this relationship to put it together properly...' 3. 'I know the OM isn't the answer...' 4. 'I understood what the C said but it's going to take time(re breaking up with OM)...' 5. 'We have to live apart for the moment' (to her gmother) 6. A friend told her that a crisis like this usually prepares you for something grander (what the hell does this mean?) 7. 'The changes in you are amazing' 8. 'I can't believe our relationship now' 9. 'I feel so safe with you'
My question. I know according to the DB laws I shouldn't be talking relationship talk but in our 'old' relationship I NEVER wanted to talk about us. So in a way this is a huge 180 for me - but I still play it safe - no blame, pressure, plenty of empathising. Ditto for being a bit teary - I know according to DB laws I should be HAPPY HAPPY - but again this is a HUGE 180 for me because I NEVER let her see me cry beforehand - she even told me she 'likes my tears'.
So whats stopping them coming back - fear, lack of trust, more of the same, guilt, pride....or all of the above??
Evan, Wow. For her to tell you that your changes are amazing, that she feels so safe with you, all of this is wonderful progress. And it is so great that you are able to talk with her about your relationship together.
Quote: So whats stopping them coming back - fear, lack of trust, more of the same, guilt, pride....or all of the above??
WAS can be a confusing breed indeed. I think its probably all of the above, though everbody's sitch is different. My W has always been the kind of person who once she makes up her mind, she's full speed ahead, so I think what we're going through now is difficult for her. My wife has told me she isn't entirely sure where her life is headed right now, she has told me she likes the changes I've made, and she seems more and more interested in me, but I think she may very well be uncomfortable with the idea of reversing such a big decision. I'm sure she wants to be able to trust my changes, but I think she feels she needs more time.
I think you're doing really well, and it encourages me to keep going.
Evan,
There is only one DB law! ... To do something different to break the cycle that causes the rifts. The rest is trial and error. Not having an R-talk is not the cure all. In most cases, R-talk are necessary, but will only work when both parties are receptive to making them productive. Since it is not predictable as to when a WAS is receptive, it is safest to wait for them to initiate such a talk ... but in your sitch if it works for you to bring them up because by doing so makes her receptive, then by all means keep doing what works!
... 180's are first directed to stop what doesn't work, then to experiement in finding what does work draw you closer. In experimenting you may discover what may not work for most works for you. If it works, then keep doing it so long as it continues to work ... and you have to constantly monitor to see it your 180's are still working, because sometime what works is a moving target. What works this week, may not work next week.
So the basis of the 180 is not to get stuck in a pattern where you are doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.
So true about that moving target - sometimes it moves daily!!
And renew4me - I totally agree - my wife is usually VERY adamant about any decision she makes - yet this one - to leave me - has thrown her totally - she even admitted to me that 'I thought I had it so clear in my mind but now I just don't know'. I think she's surprised that for once she's really divided...
A friend compared it to leaving a job that you really dislike but months later being offered a position back with the firm - and only choosing to return if the conditions are better and the boss has improved his attitude!
With you and me both renew it's just a matter of time....Cheers Evan
