We are over, now what?

[Tulo]

Morning Tulo - by hey gotcha i mean i found you on your new thread.

Hey you..

Great to see you!

Have had a lousy day here today, started out good with some I guess healthy anger but pretty soon I started to think, analyse and being the fool that I can be.. Need to get a hold of this!

In bed now, middle of the night and I need to get some sleep.

Keep wondering if he'll contact me before my race, if he doesn't how can I make that ok in my mind. I know I have too. It's just that that this weekend has been so much about him and I, for over a year, ever since I entered. And now we're finished and he's not coming to stay with me at the fancy hotel and he's not cheering me on and so on.. Just hurts.

Even though it shouldn't matter, and doesn't matter, because it's not a him and I anymore, I still want so much for him to show that he cares. You can tell that detaching is going very good right?

But I'll live, as they say. Sorry if I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now..

All my best, and thanks for stopping by..

[Tulo]

Hi Tulo

I don't think the text conversation was a bad idea as long as you didn't put kisses on or said you missed him etc. He made contact. That's good, but remember not to get excited or jump back in. You need more from him.

Hi Huddy,

I didn't do that.. I know I need more and at the moment I'm very low and feel like it's never going to happen.. Need to shake out of it! Can't wait until 6 months have gone and this has all let up a bit..

[Pyrite]

Have had a lousy day here today, started out good with some I guess healthy anger but pretty soon I started to think, analyse and being the fool that I can be.. Need to get a hold of this!

Sorry you had a bad day. You know I have lots of them as well, so I am not without fault here as well and dont follow my own advice often enough.

healthy anger---you started to think....
Good. you recognise the point where it stops being "healthy" and becomes obsessive and unhealthy. This is excellent progress Tulo. Now, I won't ask you to not think about him at all - but I will ask you to FORCE yourself to stop when you notice it is getting out of hand. And i mean FORCE.

You can visualise this if it helps. personally when i notice I am past this point I start filling a balloon with all my thoughts that keep coming, because trying to stop them dead is ....problematic. Then when my focus is turned to the balloon, which is by now inflated, I pop it.

Dont try and solve all your problems at once. Most of them you can't solve anyway. Just try to do this.

Most times you will be far past the point where your thoughts become obsessive and really damaging before you even realise it. Kill those thoughts as soon as you can. Eventually, even after a few times, you will get better at recognising this point and you will kill the thoughts earlier and earlier. Because you can do this, you will be more confident to indulge "healthy" thoughts about the R - and these you CAN work with.

In bed now, middle of the night and I need to get some sleep.

Keep wondering if he'll contact me before my race, if he doesn't how can I make that ok in my mind. I know I have too. It's just that that this weekend has been so much about him and I, for over a year, ever since I entered. And now we're finished and he's not coming to stay with me at the fancy hotel and he's not cheering me on and so on.. Just hurts.

Even though it shouldn't matter, and doesn't matter, because it's not a him and I anymore, I still want so much for him to show that he cares. You can tell that detaching is going very good right?

But I'll live, as they say. Sorry if I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now..

All my best, and thanks for stopping by..

i'll get back to you about this perhaps. I dont know what advice I can specifically offer about the race other than you are competing fro your sake. In the R were you racing for him, in any way? If he was busy and couldn't come to the race back then, would that be such a big deal that the event was less important for you. I doubt it.

"Sorry" - I can understand this - but really dont need to apologize to me. I can just switch you off if i want You have every right to feel sorry for yourself, be hurt and angry and confused. This is a horrible place to be in your life. but you will live. things will change. things won't be like this forever. it is not particularly helpful or believable right now, but they might even be better. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And you have already survived the worst of it. From here on it is just rehabilitation.

[Pyrite]

Tulo, I suspect you know this already but just to pound it in: (correct if i am wrong and/or tell me where to go if appropriate)

Your R is over. This is not just a fight in the R and H/he has "spat the dummy" (pacifier - not sure how local this slang is).

So - your only move is forwards. And DB or not this means YOU moving forwards. Zeus posted not so long ago his DB coach's post BD "Steps". Using poetic licence:

1. Dissolve your old R completely. Be your own person.
2. Can be friends with ex if that is what you want AFTER 1.
3. Romance may blossom with now friend ex. if that is what you want AFTER 2.
4. R with ex. this WILL include dressing old wounds no doubt.

SO - you/we are at 1. my dear. Notice at 1. there is no mention of 2,3,4. These actually hinder 2,3,4 anyway. For a succesful version of ANY 2,3,4 (whether it is with ex or not) YOU need to achieve 1. in the best way possible.

Granted - you/we have to let go of the idea that we can do anything about the sitch now. We feel like letting go of 2,3,4 and focusing on 1 means 2,3,4 won't happen. IT WONT HAPPEN NOW ANYWAY. it could happen that your H has big hiccup in his new life and comes running back, but that isn't what you want. Chances are that you'll help him back on his feet and he'll do it again.

I have been hopeful that if I can turn it around quickly, I can turn her round quickly to, or show her that I have changed and there is no need for her to feel that way anymore. But the reality is that her "feeling" is not that trivial that we can just wash it away. There is a strong possibility that OM loses his temp VISA in next few months. Life will be hard for her and OM is not around either - and she will come back. Despite how she has treated me, I would still ask my friends here and in real life to help me stay strong enough to turn her away until she has demonstrated more of a commitment than just activating plan B.

SO take away plan B. Make him earn you back.

[Tulo]

Dear Py,

Thank you so much for this post, and to Zeus for giving it to you in the first place.

Really needed it! Just woke up, and mornings are my hardest time. Do you ever get this weak feeling in your legs, when you think about stitch or is that just me. I really feel WEAK in my legs so they just feel like jelly.. Don't think I've felt that before.. Haha, no need to tell you how bad that is with my upcoming weekend..

I'm sure your W will come running back if OM has to go back home.. Good you have some time to come up with a strategy for when that happens.

I know in my mind that you are right, they have to work to get us back, but my heart is just like "pleeeeease come back and looooove me agaaaain" and I need that to stop.

For right now, I'm going to the crematorium to pick up my dog, who I lost last week. Want him home before I go away over the weekend. Think that might feel a bit better for me.

All my best Py, you are great! Keep up the good work!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

It's normal to get jelly legs. It's OK to feel down. It's not OK to let H rule your day. He's chosen to do something else. So, until he realises his error, you get busy and fill up your day.

Keep re reading sandi2's rules. Needy pushes them away. Confident pulls them back.

[Tulo]

Hi Tulo.

Keep re reading sandi2's rules. Needy pushes them away. Confident pulls them back.

You are right and I do read them like several times a day, but funny thing is that my mind is like "But shouldn't I just..."
Up until now I haven't contacted him and have decided not to do that either.

Just on my way to the big town on the west coast where the worlds biggest half marathon is held this weekend. It's called Göteborgsvarvet and 65 000 people run. I start at 14.49 tomorrow Swedish time that is 13.49 UK time and if you have a tiny tiny moment keep a small finger crossed for me that I do ok tomorrow.. Haha, I'm so nervous now that I've got butterflies the size of dinosaurs in my tummy now..

I'm going to run for me, and prove to myself that I can do way more then I think and I can't wait to cross that finish line. To me this is like the Olympics, and if someone said to me 2 years ago that I was going to enter I would have said they were crazy.

Thanks Huddy! Hope you have a great weekend!

Hug

[Pyrite]

good luck Tulo. i'll be thinking of you.

[Matt777]

I don't have much to add. But I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

You can do it!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

Yeah good luck!

Every day I have the 'shouldn't I' moment, but it passes. It's S's birthday tomorrow, so I wonder what that will bring.