Wow, chill. Mountains and molehills. It's no big deal. Rise above it. Pick your fights carefully. This isn't one of them.
Thanks dear NDY!
I have calmed down a little now but still feel gutted. But I'm not going to call him about it, I will raise above. Sooner or later we have to meet to exchange our keys and if I want to say something then, I can.
Just feel like he's painting it out to be all on my, when he's the one that made barriers for himself, due to old stuff in previous R.
Thanks NDY! Hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
It all just keeps you attached, when more detachment is what you are working towards.
Take care, T :-)
Thanks Toots for your reply!
I know you are right, and I need to either take him off (just thinking that I might loose the op to show him my GAL through out the summer, and not sure I want that) or stop reacting when things show up, and stop going into his wall.
I need to focus on detaching and this isn't doing the trick, obviously.. But I've calmed down and won't call him like a bat out of hell screaming at him. Something I've never really done, so why start now.
I have to see this as something that will take time, and not go crazy all the time. Hopefully time will make it easier.
Now, I have to get a move on, going to paint my nieces apartment today, and I sure need to get out of the house and interact with some people.
Thanks again! Keep well! Hug
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Sooner or later we have to meet to exchange our keys and if I want to say something then, I can.
Hey, I wouldn't even grace that with a response to your H. If it were me I'd view it as nothing but a silly gesture and see it as such. Don't sweat the smalls.
Quote:
Just feel like he's painting it out to be all on my, when he's the one that made barriers for himself, due to old stuff in previous R.
Thanks NDY! Hug!
They all do that. It's US that are at fault, not them, remember? This is the mindset of the WAS. It's how they justify their actions. Our job is to DEMONSTRATE how wrong they are, hence the actions are louder than words mantra you see around here all the time.
Thanks for the hug.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Sorry, been in a meeting. FB is no big deal, so forget it. He may have friended somebody, but don't second guess what's on their mind. If it's friends, fine, if it's not why would you want to be with him anyway?
No texting, no messaging, just leave him. Yeah, it's infuriating, it hurts, but it's for your own health.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Non-DB related...but I don't like FB. I'm not on it. I've seen too much of this. And I've seen too many people surfing face book posts on the couch while their spouse is having a disconnected conversation with them. I can already tell you my next partner will know how to shut their phone off at meals, during conversations...and won't be addicted to FB. OK, personal pet peeve.
As for this, I do think it's a big deal, but agree not to bring it up.
H has a one night stand with a female and essentially agrees to break it off. Now they're talking. Violation one. They're talking about the breakdown of an M. Discussing relationship details with opposite sex, violation two. And doing one and two with no regard to Tulo's feelings and allowing her no say, violation three. So Tulo, you're NOT crazy for feeling this way. It is quite simply a betrayal, and at this point whether they get physical is just semantics.
HOWEVER...at this point you get no voice in his behavior. You don't control him. If he wants to have an orgy with his entire 9th grade girls marching band there is not one thing you can do to change that. Even if he acts like he in some small way cares what you think, the fastest way to lose that is by trying to leverage it into control.
Oh, and how weak does that sound? It would be like if my W told me "H, I don't care at all about how you feel, you're not the man OM is" and I replied "stop, you're hurting my feelings, please don't"...just pathetic. Just detach, GAL, and leave him with his homewrecking tramp (sorry, did that slip out? I let it go now...)
The answer isn't rage- although that's a reasonable reaction. But as you work through your emotions you'll see that he doesn't deserve that much power over your head either. Bottom line, he's acting like a 3 year old. What do you do when a three year old throws a fit? You shrug and say "I'm going to do something else until they scream themselves out". That's all there is to do.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
As for this, I do think it's a big deal, but agree not to bring it up.
H has a one night stand with a female and essentially agrees to break it off.
At this point whether they get physical is just semantics.
HOWEVER...at this point you get no voice in his behavior. You don't control him.
"I'm going to do something else until they scream themselves out". That's all there is to do.
Hi Zeus,
How great to hear from you! Have read some of your previous message several times over when I'm about to loose it..
Many valid points as per usual. And you are right, I have no say in what he does, we are over and as you say, he can engage with an entire football team if he wants to, and all I can do is absolutely nothing.
The one night stand was before our R and I don't think (when I'm a bit more lucid than before) that he's into her. He has said that he isn't, bit I'm well aware of the possibility that it can be a lie.
I'm so with you on the betrayal of him discussing our R with her, and that hurts so much, because he said to me that she had said that "he needs to follow his heart" etc etc and obviously she would say that.
I will keep the NC and if he calls this weekend and asks about it I'm not even sure if I should pick up. I had said I would call, but feel to hurt now to do that. Do you agree that not calling even if I said I would is correct? Should I pick up if he does?
I think I'm going to stay off FB until half marathon is over, all this mess is making me weak (for real) in my knees and that is no way to get through 21 K..
Dear Zeus, thanks again! Feel bloody lost at the moment and this really helps! Hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Tulo - I'm with you. This process [censored]. Just when you think there's nothing they can do to hurt you more, something stupid comes up and you feel it all over again.
All of us here have two choices - fight for our R or give up and walk away. Fighting for the R [censored]. And it hurts. A lot. But by going through, I am learning a lot about myself and what I want for me and my family. Even if I don't wind up with my W, I'll be better for it.
Choosing to walk away doesn't let me go through any of that, so I can't grow for any future relationships. So the fight is for my M. But it's also for me.
Hug!