Ok. So today is day 3 of going dim. After my setback on Friday, before I started this new approach, I had expressed to her how much I loved her and asked her to please give me time. That I was aware of the pain I caused her and was working diligently on myself. I asked her to please not define me by the last few years and to try and remember the true me. I asked her to please continue to think about giving us a second chance and that I would respect her need for space.
That was 3 days ago. She knows how I feel. She knows I'm asking her not to file and that I am fully aware of my role in all of this and that I'm working my tail off on me. She had expressed to me that pretty much every time I was making any progress with her that I did something to set it back. That if I wanted to change than change and stop making mistakes. So my approach was: his is how I feel and it's time for me to stop making mistakes. Just give me more time.
After that is when I immediately implemented going dim to the 180s that have been working for me. My plan is to do this for 30 days and reasses. The dimming aspect is that I am shutting my mouth and letting my actions speak for me.
Only contact initiation has been for kids scheduling and finances. I'm also pulling away from her by the following:
If she texts me about anything other than kids (unless an emergency) don't even respond. If it's about kids but not time sensitive, wait an hour or so to answer back.
Let her know I'm GAL: did this by communicating to her during kid scheduling that I had plans Wednesday night so would be leaving at a certain time from being with the kids. I kept it vague.
Still keeping all my interactions positive but brief. She didn't leave the house yesterday for the 2 hours I was there with the kids. I exuded happiness and confidence and was polite and all smiles. She even sat in the same room and read a book while I played with our S.
When it came time for me to leave, I pleasantly, with a smile, said goodnight and left.
This morning when she texted me at 730 to ask if dropping off my D with me at 930 was ok, I waited an hour before answering her back.
Was pleasant when she dropped her off.
She's exuding anger. So we'll see how all this goes. I'm trying to see if I combine my successful 180s with pulling back and respecting her space but at the same time start to detach and make myself slightly unavailable if she will actually hold off on taking any filing action and actually observe my actions.
So far, it kind of seems to be bothering her that I wasn't immediately available to answer her texts right away this morning. Hoping that her attitude of it bothering her is the start of my attempt to flip the tables a bit: stop chasing her and give her what she's asking for but at the same time let my positive actions and changes continue to show.
The idea being that if I continue showing positive change and keep my mouth shut and stop having setbacks, and pull away a bit, maybe she'll slowly start to push toward me instead of running.
You mention about letting her know you are GAL. As far as I can tell, the purpose of GAL is for YOU. It isn't to prove to HER that you have other things to do. It's to prove to YOU that you CAN live a functional, happy life without HER. So I don't understand why "flaunting" these kinds of things to her is a part of your goals/structure.
I'd also recommend to expand the GAL type stuff you are doing - take kids for ice cream by yourself, take them swimming, start a project of some kind, etc. ideally you'll meet new friends and develop your own social circles, but starting with your kids isn't a bad place either.
Only reason I mentioned it was because before my setback we were possibly going to go out together Wednesday night. But after the setback she made it clear that wasn't happening. It wasn't meant to rub it in her face it was just letting her know that I'm going to go out anyway. Maybe not the best approach but I'm still learning.
Slight slip yesterday. Got baited into a slight R talk but recovered. Good day today.
Went to my house to hang with the kids from 4-8. Wife left during this timeframe.
Stayed upbeat and pleasant around her.
She came home around 745 and I put my son to bed around 815. When I went downstairs to leave I reminded myself: “Brief and positive”.
She was sitting on the couch in the living room and I just popped in and said in a very polite way: “Ok. Same bat time same bat channel tomorrow?”
She didn’t even look up at me and in a very cold manner just said “Yup”. I didn’t let it rattle me. I just said, again in an upbeat manner “Ok. Goodnight. See you tomorrow afternoon” and I turned around to walk out.
As I was walking away she said “Oh wait”. So I stopped and turned around and she told me that my son has off from school on Monday and asked if I would want him and our daughter to have a sleepover at my parents house with me. Of course she looked at me and made eye contact when she was asking for this.
I didn’t quite know how to handle it so again in a polite and brief way I just said “We’ll see. But either way, if he is off on Monday I’d certainly like to spend the whole day with both of them on Monday”. (Monday is my day off).
So her response to me saying that if not I wanted to spend the whole day with them on Monday was to respond to me in the meanest tone possible and said “We’ll see”.
I didn’t take the bait. I simply staid brief and positive and with a smile on my face said “Ok. Goodnight. See you tomorrow at 4.” Turned around and left.
How did I handle myself? I honestly am not interested in the kids staying over and yes it is because I’m tired of being her babysitter. I spend a ton of time with my children because I love them, am a good father and want to. But I'm tired of being bullied by her and supporting her new social life of which she wants no part of me being.
What should I do concerning this. I’m sure she’s going to ask again. Do I say yes? If not, what do I say?
I’d just like to know the most effective manner in which to handle this whole sleepover deal.
I'm being pretty consistent these last several days in going dim but continuing my 180s of being the best version of myself as man, father and even husband.
I just am tired of being treated like total crap by her when I know fullwell that we are not where we are 100% because of me.
I've grown so much these last few months, as all of us here in the land of misfit toys do. And once you do a true self assessment and are able to focus on your role in the demise of the relationship and actively start to correct those behaviors and simultaneously forgive your spouse for their behaviors, it becomes tiresome being their punching bag.
But I guess that is part of what we DBers do. I remember reading somewhere on here that so much of DBing is self reflection and self improvement. And after a period of time, when your changes become permanent and consistent you have successfully removed all the reasons your spouse wanted a D to begin with. So at that point in time their complaints are not longer relevant which (hopefully) forces them to realize that any anger or resentment they are still holding onto is on them. Not us.
God, I'm just tired of being a punching bag. I would never treat her the way she is treating me. EVER.
First off your actions and responses have been DB gold material. Congrats BEC. What a change you have made in yourself. Pat yourself on the back man.
It's not being a punching bag. Men keep their cool in the face of adversity and that's what you have done. If you don't believe me, consider your behavior if you acted the opposite.
Thanks Ten.