Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Vanilla]

Z

I am with you gf listening. Keep posting your stuff

V

[Zelda09]

General update:
I look amazing in my underwear right now.
Other things to be grateful for:
Decided to be courageous and not pursue corp job to replace one I lost. Doing the hippie thing, getting a room ready for air bnb, maybe Uber. Had a good day finishing a commissioned piece I've been sitting on forever and am taking in a new group to coach. I want to build my business giving private art lessons to kids and adults, take on consulting and grant writing work. I am excited. I know I will be fine, perhaps be able to make as much or more as I was before. It will be a different kind of stress. I'm ready. I feel free in so many ways.

STBX, I never needed you as badly as I thought. For someone who claimed I didn't pay his bills, have to tell you, I'm spending about 2 grand less each month without you here. It's a miracle. I am pursuing the dream I thought was years away. I wanted kids, but now - I don't fret over needing 8-5 job for that health ins. And I don't miss your breakfasts and hugs as much as I *miss* your irrational statements, passive aggressive attacks (most recent - "I am shocked at my ability to not call you names right now" amid spew with other F bombs- yes, I'm very impressed with this basic maturity also), and I don't miss you throwing our R, engagement and M up as 'why are we even here' every time you felt like I was not someone worth dealing with or showing consideration to. I don't miss your twisting, manipulation, and feeling like I was being pushed away or taken for granted. I hope you're eating entire boxes of donuts and spending your nights sitting at bars guzzling beer and imagining the bartender thinks you're cool. It is what makes you happy - and re your last text to me - that I'm delusional and you're so much better off without me - well, it's nice to agree on something.

He asked me today to come get more things this weekend. No, not all. He has no ability, no friends to help him move, no place to store...I offered if I could secure help...told him I'd appreciate his help with closure, and he changed subject to a book he thinks is here. Never acknowledged.

I'm over this. I've asked a 3rd party to step in and assist with closing this up, STBX says he says he just wants to be free - but tells me he can't because, can't because...I am tired of feeling like a toy some big cruel cat is batting around for its own amusement.

[Zephyr]

Well Z I am glad that he is making it easier for u to move on. Really I am glad.

I am.excited for you to hear that you are teaching and taking commissions! It is totally awesome. Wish you were closer I'd love for my boys to Take lessons from you.

I am so excited for you at your strength and furvur to make a better life!

[gan]

General update:
I look amazing in my underwear right now.

Go you! You don't know how many times I've thought the same thing and talked myself out of sending a selfie to you know who.

[Calibri]

I'm having boudoir photos done as a late birthday gift to myself. Someone said, "too bad your H won't see them." Eh, who says he won't? I'm doing it for me, and they're going to be amazing hanging on my wall.

BAM

[Zelda09]

Nice, ladies

[TLEE86]

Is it hot in here or is just me? 3 girls talking about themselves in underwear and boudoir photos? *

But really, I am happy for you Z. You sound like you are really moving forward and have realized that his behavior lately is just....not going to work. Really taking charge of your life. Keep your head up Z.

[Zelda09]

First time in a while, I am starting to have a down day, where I just miss him.just recalled three or four authentic, happy memories. It is hard to believe that things came to be the way they did.and it was an interesting experience, to just enjoy the memory and feel a little bit of love, without such a strong layer of bitterness over the top of it. there so many ways to feel sadness.

[TLEE86]

...Z, Im so sorry. This sounded like a really honest post and it was actually kinda hard to read...I hope you have a better day tomorrow, really. Keep your head up and drive on. He doesnt deserve to be with someone as awesome as you. Praying for you Z

[Zelda09]

Friends, curious on your read on what is going on. It shouldn't matter if I am focused on me, but I think about it.

This weekend my H made a surprise visit to pick up 90% of his things and left half a carload, indefinitely. I was out. My roommate handled him, and said he was poking around in the back looking into the house before he realized he was home. Asked my roommate questions about things he saw on the porch that we'd talked about before he left and he really had answers for...I just don't get it. Walked into the house and bedrooms to poke around.

There has been NC with me and I am glad for it. I wish he would sign papers and IDK why on earth he hasn't.

The theories that keep surfacing are these:

STBX is a ship without a rudder and will not pick up his back foot (closing this sitch up) until he knows where he is placing it.

STBX is dragging this out to be spiteful and isn't dealing well with his emotions. Enjoying his control on this sitch. Knows our M was not 'just paperwork' to me and that I am upset my him 'living his life' while we are still M.

STBX is inheriting his mother's early onset dementia of personality - hallmarks odd, unbalanced behavior, apathy, aggression/violence, inability to reason, promiscuity, selfishness. These are also hallmarks of just being an a$$. But I'm concerned - eight months after we were married I'd asked him if we could talk about the meds he was on and getting screened for this disease, his behavior made no sense to me and others we were closer to. Last year I came to this board convinced his pain meds explained a lot. Idk. A WAH, how they say, heads are messy.

And if I've dropped the rope, none of it matters anyway.

I do think of him. It all still feels so unbelievable to me, but the grief feelings lessen each week. I used to stand in the shower and cry my eyes out with the hurt, but it's been a long time since I've felt it so deeply. This wasn't about me. It's him, his journey.

I just don't understand why he is dragging it out. There are no signs he is 2nd guessing or missing me - heck he has been nasty and told me how much better off he is. So why?

Thanks, Tlee, Vanilla, Gan, Calibri and Zephyr for checking in on me. My sitch warrants very little comment anymore, it's like watching paint dry. That and grass growing - happens faster than someone healing and is arguably a bit more interesting