Py- one reason I could never look at my STBX and say "this is unforgivable, we could never come back from here"- I was upset when she walked. I felt we could work it out. Feelings could change. M is precious. Etc. How can I be disappointed with her for walking away because she believed feelings couldn't change, if once she does I get so hurt I start buying into the same thing? Yes, I get boundaries. I get not putting yourself in an abusive R. I get wanted to see signs that a new M would be different, that it wouldn't repeat. And I get not wanting to stunt your own growth clinging to someone else's behavior...but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is just letting the future be the future. You get it, I just think this point of view helps. Oh- glad you're doing better!
yep. think this is why i AM feeling better. I think my recent posting around the traps shows this. the future is just that - the future. I am letting go of the idea that I want it to be any certain way. well definitely in terms of things that are out of my control.
i'll have to re-read that first bit but I hope you are not suggesting that I was not upset for the same reason. we'll have to have an "upset competition" if thats the case.
by the end of the day i was good. woke up and stumbled, but back up again. then had a big joint bank account, snooping issue. Details are unimportant but the possible expenditure implies something which makes me cringe. Anyway, throw it out, back up, at least on the way. I am seeing new IC in a few hours. Looking forward to it. How screwed up is my life when ICing is attractive?
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I pretty much ended communication at that point because there are serious boundaries in play that I was already crossing (talking to opposite sex about R). My only justification is that I stood up for her M and then backed off.
phew- i was about to flip. Sponsoring the WAW!
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Z - I know exactly how you feel. I have ended several posts that I better go chat with the attractive receptionist to cheer me up.
this is worrying
Originally Posted By: ^
she's probably not interested now that her M is better, etc)
This has my WW's fingerprints all over it!! Fishing? I know you are above that and more in control than to succumb - just reinforcing - Powerful stuff indeed
Satisfied by - you never know what is in store in another year?
The important thing is recognising the spark is still there - or can be.
Hilarious that you were hoping she was unattractive and she turned out to be stunning.
Even hoping that is a sign that a healthy Z-spark is alive somewhere.
Please dont be -ve about any of my comments. its great to see.
Last edited by Pyrite; 05/22/1504:01 AM.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I simply wanted to let you know that I thanked God for your last post in my thread.
I'm not sure what word there is for being more than supportive -- but that's you!
Thank you for putting things in perspective for me.
Good night.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Anyway, I haven't really communicated with her since. But I'll admit it had been very flattering to have her express some interest, even if it wasn't appropriate. ... I know all of this, and it still woke up some feelings of desire I haven't had for a while. ... Now don't worry, I'm not acting on them for many reasons (she's M, I'm M, she's probably not interested now that her M is better, etc) and I never did act on them. But it was a reminder of how powerful that sense of connection can be, and how powerful that sense of attraction can be. ... Considering that she felt her M was doomed, that she'd never be happy, that she was stuck...if some guy came along and started expressing interest, waking up those feelings...I can get why she'd chase the dream.
YES. Sounds very much like my encounter with the guy on the plane. You said you were surprised I kept talking to him...that ^^^ explains it to a tee.
Last edited by gan; 05/25/1501:12 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
But it was a reminder of how powerful that sense of connection can be, and how powerful that sense of attraction can be. It actually helped me feel more compassion for my WAW. Considering that she felt her M was doomed, that she'd never be happy, that she was stuck...if some guy came along and started expressing interest, waking up those feelings...I can get why she'd chase the dream.
I think having that perspective first hand allows us to understand our WAW better. It may help later on in the reconciliation process if things ever get to that, but it also helps us with moving on if things play out that way also.
Its good you recognized the situation well enough to see where it shouldn't have gone, and took steps to avoid crossing certain lines.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
V- you have a funny way of wording things, but I think I get what you mean. And yes, to all, nothing I was going to pursue. I am married and am not interested in confiding my sitch with a member of the opposite sex, nor to have a married woman do the same with me. I told her to read DR/DB and stand by her M, nothing more than I would say to anyone on these forums.
My post today is just about how funny it is that sometimes it takes all the tools at our disposal to navigate through the challenges we face.
This morning I got a VERY unpleasant email from STBX. It was related to her concerns about how I parent the children and was very critical and controlling. Details aren't important at the moment, the point was simply how I handled it. Everything I did to get through this was something I've learned from DB or have posted about.
1. Vent/negativity. I had to vent to a friend, but owned that I need to grow more detached so these emails don't impact me even to this degree.
2. Controlling = feeling powerless. I learned from my DB coach that when STBX acts very controlling, it is because she feels powerless. This leads to the next step.
3. Compassion. I can understand how she might feel scared about not being in control of my parenting. Her mama bear instinct kicks in and I am a threat to their best interest in her mind, and I can see that she is only reacting out of love for them as opposed to anything personal towards me.
4. Email translator. I then rewrite her email in a friendly, affirming, positive, respectful, and collaborative way. I reply to that reworded email. Sure enough, my reply fits.
Result- I was able to reply to her email without any defensiveness, dismissiveness, irritation, impatience, or defiance. She can do with it what she wants but I was able to overcome my negative emotions, find a place of compassion, and be the person I wanted to be in response to a tough situation.
I feel very empowered by my ability to get through these hurdles. Like an ant I will keep crawling over them one by one. I just think it's funny how all these tools can make the impossible seem routine
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus, that's an incredible skill you've learned. And it can be used in so many situations, with business associates, with your kids, with other family and friends. Good job, there.
