Oh and I forgot to mention that the house she's looking at renting is 2 blocks from my current apt. She told me that that was on purpose. Kind of makes me uncomfortable. Yes, it would be convenient. But now I see even more wishy-washiness with schedules and commitments of D2 and dog. And she's spending $2,000 to break her lease so she can move out of her apt. Told me she's doing that so she can escape the pain of the memory of "him" (they just started dating in January, and it never sounded like it was going that well!!). Damn she is a mess right now.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I've been texting with her cousin/best friend. So apparently this guy is married and has bounced back and forth between his W and my STBX 4 times since january. Her cousin says he's manipulating her. I can believe it because she is definitely in a manipulable state, even before he met her
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card buddy, this is a tough situation. First of all, you are doing a whole lot of mind reading, that can lead to a bunch of wrong conclusions. Stop that.
Second, if you are worried about W, I'd give her friends a ring and just inquire. Don't try to come across as controlling (surely you see a hint of that).
Be compassionate to her, but only neighborly... You are doing great. keep up the good work.
Email or text message those conversations about her meds and what a mess she is right now.
IF she threatens suicide as much as you don't want to call the cops and get her some professional help because not only is it the right thing to do (you aren't equipped nor responsible for her mental heath right now) it is also helpful to any potential custody dispute now or LONG into the future.
Read what I just posted yesterday to Defacto. Your kids likely need you to protect them during this period of your wife's mental illness but the second you start pulling strings and denying her her visitation (in an effort to protect your children) all heck is going to break loose. The more you document this the better protected you will be from any and all backlash.
This isn't advice just to possibly help you screw her over in a custody dispute....you may actually HAVE to protect your children someday. She's unstable and your children need you to remain calm and rational about this and protect them when the time is right. You can't do that effectively unless you build your case in advance.
It's really hard to prove someone is mental and unfit to parent when they KNOW they are being watched and observed.
Hopefully she'll stabilize but be prepared as best you can for the instant she doesn't.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Wow. What a mess. I agree with Georgia Bulldog: start documenting this, you never know when it will be useful.
It sounds to me like you're trying to do a lot for WW. Telling her to call her IC and getting her meds is fine, but once. Otherwise, I'd be concerned that she will start to rely on you. She know she needs to do both, so why doesn't she? Because she WANTS to be pressured. But if you don't pressure here, she'll have to do it eventually. In the long run, it's important that she be autonomous or rely on qualified resources.
I don't know what DB says, but I don't think it's healthy or even a good idea that you be her support. I understand a lot of her people are far away, but so are you, if not physically. Reality is catching up with her now and it has to happen.
I don't like having my WW in the same neighborhood as me — about 400m. I don't want to run into her (happened twice) and OM (never happened). The wishy-washiness of D2's schedule is on you, in the sense that you can refuse the changes (NMMNG!). Make sure to push back a few times. You might say that it's for the good of the kids, but then it has nothing to do with the distance. I know some people here think the more time they get with their kids the better, but I also believe kids need to see both parents and that we LBS need our down time (I miss my kids but I'd rather not be a single parent 365 days a year).
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Card buddy, this is a tough situation. First of all, you are doing a whole lot of mind reading, that can lead to a bunch of wrong conclusions. Stop that.
Second, if you are worried about W, I'd give her friends a ring and just inquire. Don't try to come across as controlling (surely you see a hint of that).
Be compassionate to her, but only neighborly... You are doing great. keep up the good work.
Hi Vapo, thanks for commenting.
Maybe I missed it, but where did I mind read? Everything I said is pretty much the facts that I've learned the last 2-3 days. I'm not interested in mind reading anything about her. I don't know how closely you've followed my sitch, but I don't want her back anymore. I haven't since December. I just want to help in the right way while she has so little support. I would gladly hand over the tissue box to any of her close friends if they were here.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I learned from her cousin that this isn't OM2. This is OM1. There is no OM2. It's the guy she left me for. So they've been together, off and on, since our BD last June. FYI - I'm not all that upset to learn this. And oh man does it explain some things.
Moz, you are dead on about the wishy-washy schedule with D2. We were really on-point with the D2 calendar August through, I'd say, January. It's just been changing more and more the last couple of months. It got to the point 2-3 weeks ago that I realized I could no longer trust the D2 calendar more than a couple of weeks out. It was ALWAYS changing. And as soon as one revision happens, it causes a ripple effect and the whole calendar is revised. That has to stop. I've said from the beginning that we'll eventually need to go to 1-week rotations and stick to them. I think the time has come. Right now the calendar is booked until early July. From that point I think we need to go to every other week. If you have to miss days, sure, I'll take her if I'm available. But I'm not going to shuffle my days to make up for it. Especially if it's not for emergencies.
I also don't foresee us sharing the dog for the next 10 years or however long she lives. Not sure when to cross that bridge, though. I would like to just keep her.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I know some people here think the more time they get with their kids the better, but I also believe kids need to see both parents and that we LBS need our down time (I miss my kids but I'd rather not be a single parent 365 days a year).
Hey, that's me!!! I will take every minute available with my kids, but don't misunderstand my position. Kids DO need to be with both parents. My willingness is to take them from a babysitter or a forced sleepover when H doesn't want them, it's never, ever been my intention to take time away from their dad. In fact, I've offered him extra time, which he's consistently declined.
Card, moving to the week at a time seems like a good idea. Toddlers like consistency and it sounds like that's been lacking. Wishy-washy doesn't work for anyone. I do hope your STBX is OK, and that you can navigate some assistance for her (because it's in the best interest of your D) without getting sucked into her drama.
Sounds like she's going forward with the house. I have slowly tried to separate myself from the sitch a little bit. I haven't mentioned anything about me knowing that OM2 is really OM1/OM and don't intend to or feel the need to. I'm also not urging her to do anything anymore. She asked if I was going to "try to talk her down from the ledge" (i.e. stay in her apt and don't spend thousands of dollars breaking her lease). I said I think she'll regret it but it's her call.
We're also going to get rid of our shared storage unit now that she will have a house w/ basement. I told her I just want to get the stuff I've intended to keep (already divided) and let her do whatever she wants with the rest. Said I didn't want to store my stuff at her house, that I'm going to consolidate.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I will take every minute available with my kids, but don't misunderstand my position. Kids DO need to be with both parents. My willingness is to take them from a babysitter or a forced sleepover when H doesn't want them, it's never, ever been my intention to take time away from their dad. In fact, I've offered him extra time, which he's consistently declined.