Being 'available' for W? Is she treating you with respect like a W should? Why do you want to be a knight in shining armour to her, when she's behaving badly?
Your W won't respect you if you act like a lap dog.
When your told you weren't there for her and didn't appreciate her I would think that logic would dictate that that would be a change that needs to be focused on.
She lost respect for me because I was unavailable. Continuing to be so is just more of the same.
It's not an on call type thing. It's me being proactive. For example: if I'm at my house with the kids and W isn't there: I'll do things around the house that need to be done. I don't ask her if she needs help not do I tell her I did it. I just do it.
I get the "SuperDad" thing ... I think I was a pretty good Father, but after this all hit the fan, I was reeling and trying to figure things out I was faced with the reality I could very well go from Full Time Dad ... to part time dad, the reaction is to squeeze every ounce you can out of the now limited time to be with the kids because this sitch is not their faults but they are the casualties. This can be viewed by the WAW in the "Why now/Its to late" light ... we know better, its because all the sudden we are faced with the posibility of losing our kids even if its 50% of the time ... ^^^^^ CRUSHED me.
But .... going through the journey I did have to pull back, I was being used as a babysitter ... not a father/husband. She would try to reschedule S to be with me when she and OM had something they wanted to do .... well just as I would not fund the A, I also was not going to enable it ... if she never felt the real life ramifications of D ... if I was there to take my son whenever she wanted to 'be single' how was that fair to me, the M, S ... even her .... it was not setting the ground work to what would happen if the D went final.
I also was not growing if I was to close to it all .. that alone and away time is critical to looking at yourself and fixing what needs fixing ... being to availible to be there for my son gave my W the impression that I was right where she left me, not changing, not improving, not living .... hence not attractive.
Just food for thought when it comes to kids, do not mistake me nothing more important in my life than my S, but he is so important I had to fix me first.
She def views it too little too late. I'm not in a situation where I'm being used as a babysitter so that doesn't concern me.
She has said to me several times that she thinks my new relationship with the kids is great. And of course then throws in phrases like "I hope it lasts" or "I wish it was this way the while time".
Either way: it's for my kids and myself. She obviously has taken notice but still feels the need to compliment it and then follow it up with a snide remark. But that's her issue. Not mine.
How did you know that you were being used as the babysitter. How did you know when she was out with OM?
My sitch is a little different - the OW lives out of town and I have no idea when she is in town.
We have a week on and week off schedule with kids. Maybe I should just let it stay with that schedule and not vary from it.
Was not always the OM, but was definitely as she was living 'single' and with no regard to what I had planned ... was like she expected me to be home regardless. Thats when I pulled the 180's and became non-availible even if I was ... fake it till ya make it.
If you have a schedule I would stick to it and pick your spots, trust your gut ... if its a place where you can demonstrate a change-180/PMA sure take the kids, but do not become the go-to babysitter they call when it suits them, at some point they need to realize what life will be like if the D happens .... this goes back to that fantasy talk, the image/life they have created in their brains without the LBS. One of my 180s was with my new job I could take S to his Dr visits, I have done almost all of these, showing I am a good father, hands on .. but not taking him all the time so she can party it up.
She def views it too little too late. I'm not in a situation where I'm being used as a babysitter so that doesn't concern me.
She has said to me several times that she thinks my new relationship with the kids is great. And of course then throws in phrases like "I hope it lasts" or "I wish it was this way the while time".
Either way: it's for my kids and myself. She obviously has taken notice but still feels the need to compliment it and then follow it up with a snide remark. But that's her issue. Not mine.
^^^ Thats understandable from her viewpoint as she thinks your change is a tactic to trick her back into the M ... common .. takes time and consistency from you. If you were not all hands on .. this is a good 180, and good for your kids, a welcomed change regardless of your M right?
The changes we make we have to keep them up, they do not trust us as its just so not like us to do ... just keep at it and start implementing even more good changes.
I agree Cali. I get why she currently views it this way. That's why I'm not going to stop it at all and stay completely consistent. It's real and it's the right thing to do.
In time she'll have to decide for herself if she trusts it or not.
Please just let her be. SPACE SPACE SPACE! When I left my first husband, all he did was pursue me and I told him just give me some space to breath. He didn't and I went thru with the divorce.
Now I am separated from my second husband all he want is space, space, space. It's hard but you have to do it. I am trying my best to give him his space.
Thank you Hope. I value your insight so much because you've been on the other side of the coin.
Did you see that I found she had set aside $3500 for a lawyer and filled out a divorce survival worksheet.
She told me that she is thinking of filling but says that she hasn't.
Said that she is being honest about thinking about giving it a chance and spending some time together.
This is probably my last chance so I cannot be my own worst enemy here.
