It's always sounded to me like you trust your H to do the right thing financially.
You are right, raliced, I have been trusting him to do the right thing. And with the exception of one chunk of $ about a year ago, I haven't seen anything that would indicate otherwise. But your point is well-taken, just because he has good intentions now doesn't mean he will continue to have them a few years down the road. After all, I trusted him to be faithful and to stay in our M no matter what and we all know how that worked out.
Originally Posted By: rd500
Hi Sunny. You sound vey sure of your road and far be it for me to suggest anything else. Can I ask if you could leave your decision stand for a month or so before you do anything.
Like so many others here it's hard to read your posts sometimes because you obviously still love this man and have tried to DB and work through it. As a pal I'd just like you to be 200 % sure
RD, I'm so glad you chimed in! I promise I'm not doing anything hasty, I'm only compiling paperwork at this point. Neither one of us has ever used the "D" word, ever, not even in temper, not at BD, not at the end of the first S period. It's not something I take lightly, I assure you. And my time frame for this is more than a month, September, in fact. That's the end of the "second" S period. Lots of time to think.
I do still love him. For the first 7 months, I would have swept it all under the rug and trudged on. (I'm not saying that's healthy or sustainable, I'm saying I totally would have done it. )Then he moved out. But even after the first four months of S, if he'd have said "let's try" I'd have given it all I had. Now, I just don't see a way for it to work. Every day that we are S, every day that he ignores me, every day that he shows in a million little ways that I'm not important, my heart hardens a little, RD. Things I put up with because I thought that's what Ws do (and I know I was deluded there but that's what I thought) are no longer acceptable because he no longer comes home to me at night. If I continue to be tied to him, and my love keeps eroding, pretty soon there's going to be nothing left. I just feel like I need to get out now, to protect anything that might be left there. I know that may not make a lot of sense, but that's simply where I am right now.
Hi Sunny. Always glad to chime in but I don't have any say sad ice just support.
I do get where your coming from but you are early in the stages of this looking at others sitchs. As I posted to Pink this is all about time. I know what you mean about your heart hardening but is it really or are you just tired of the percived actions of H ?
If you read some of the success stories on here the perception of the WAS and their thinking was completely wrong.
For example , the tyre episode , when I first read that I was appalled , I could t belive that he didn't come back to change the tyre for you , then you posted you drove to the garage ! !!!! So tyre wasn't flat but low If you H got the impression it was low and not flat then I understand his attitude
You have no idea how your H is feeling or what he is thinking. , could be be leaving you to your own devices hoping you'll ask him for help , could be just be just doesn't care. Out of the two which is right , who knows maybe neither but we do know that while H may not be in love with you at the moment but he still has feelings no matter what he says and he would not see you desperately stuck
Glad you giving it time and I think letting go of the outcome is the key.
Sunny, I'm sorry if you felt pressured by me. It's not so much that I thought you should divorce, as that I felt like it hadn't all sunk in on you what he had done. It's easy to overlook that I had 9 months of watching my marriage go down the tubes in slo-mo before I even found DB where yours has been shorter.
Like you I trusted my STBX to do the right thing financially. Which he has more or less done; nothing has gone unpaid, I'm not on short strings, etc. But as time goes by he's been thinking more about his life, living financially the way he wants to, running up the credit cards as though four other people don't rely on his income, and disregarding that our needs amount to anything. I am very anxious to get my financial house in order and I can't do that with Don Juan over there impressing the ladies with marital funds. If your H's affair sizzles out that could be the direction things take and I'd like you to be in better position should that occur. I don't mean to pressure you, though, your risk is probably smaller.
I can't believe you replaced the plate, though. It should have stayed lost.
Hugs!!!
Last edited by Maybell; 05/12/1505:03 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It was a coffee mug with a photo of his band on it. I had given it to him in an Easter basket a couple years ago and he used it all the time. Right before he left I was offering him extra things out of the kitchen and he declined to take any of the mugs because they didn't match. Completely turned up his nose at the idea that his dishes might look less than perfect. I was so offended he didn't want the gift I had given him that I smashed it. But then when he asked for it later, I felt badly, so...
I do still love him. For the first 7 months, I would have swept it all under the rug and trudged on. (I'm not saying that's healthy or sustainable, I'm saying I totally would have done it. )Then he moved out. But even after the first four months of S, if he'd have said "let's try" I'd have given it all I had. Now, I just don't see a way for it to work. Every day that we are S, every day that he ignores me, every day that he shows in a million little ways that I'm not important, my heart hardens a little, RD. Things I put up with because I thought that's what Ws do (and I know I was deluded there but that's what I thought) are no longer acceptable because he no longer comes home to me at night. If I continue to be tied to him, and my love keeps eroding, pretty soon there's going to be nothing left. I just feel like I need to get out now, to protect anything that might be left there. I know that may not make a lot of sense, but that's simply where I am right now.
Totally understandable Sunny.
I think it just takes time to accept the D as real. That's why it's so hard to "rush" the grieving process. Grieving the end of a marriage isn't just a one time thing. First you grieve the commitment to be loved for your life. Then you grieve the trust you had in your partner. The communications throughout the day. Then it’s the loving things you do for each other. The future that you had been looking forward to. The adversity that comes with the D that you didn’t want to contend with. The discord in your children’s life. The inside jokes. The belief that love can conquer all. But even still, much further down the road there is more grieving to do. Having someone that considers your welfare, has you in their mind and heart. And so many other things that come with it.
You have managed through this admirably, but it is so much. Really, when I hear that your H isn’t considerate of you, isn’t attentive to you, it doesn’t surprise me. Most separated couples don’t continue to meet each other’s emotional needs. But I can see how, particularly when the D word has never been uttered, you could have interpreted that to mean that at least some of the care and goodwill that was built could be preserved. I think you’re simply coming to terms with the fact that this is probably where he thought you two were heading when he declared his desire for a separation. Just another loss in the long line of losses.
I think you’re wise to move through as much of this as you did without taking legal action yourself. You didn’t “lose time” as those months were critical for you to let go, heal, restructure your life to meet your own needs, and work through a lot of the emotions that come from this. That all said, I’ve heard from my IC, L, and a few other trusted advisors that finalizing things does help bring a sense of closure. Both symbolically, and from the fact that you can literally look at that chapter of your life as closed. It lets the murky waters settle down. True, it’s “only a piece of paper” and people remarry on occasion, etc. But I do think that when you’re ready it will be appropriate to put it to bed. But beyond the fact that you’re not “losing time”, you will be truly ready to take that step (or as ready as you will be), and you will know you did it the way that matched your values, beliefs, and character. And you’ll always be able to look in the mirror proudly for the way you handled it, because you have handled this so exceptionally.
Last edited by Zues126; 05/12/1506:06 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I do get where your coming from but you are early in the stages of this looking at others sitchs.
I know what you mean about your heart hardening but is it really or are you just tired of the percived actions of H ?
For example , the tyre episode , when I first read that I was appalled , I could t belive that he didn't come back to change the tyre for you , then you posted you drove to the garage ! !!!! So tyre wasn't flat but low If you H got the impression it was low and not flat then I understand his attitude.
RD, I no longer feel like I'm new at this, BD was over a year ago. And there really hasn't been any hope whatsoever during that year. No crying, no I'm miserable, no I'm willing to try, no anything other than the ice cube he's always been.
It's not that I need his help, it's that I want to know I'm important to him. The tire was low, not flat, I didn't need his help driving to the station. We both understood that. What I desperately wanted, though, is a follow up phone call or text asking if I'd made it OK and if they got it fixed. I didn't receive that. Same thing with the 700 mile drive and with the leg procedure. I don't need his assistance with those, I wanted his concern. I wanted five minutes of his day to make sure I'm OK. I got it from my friends, it's not an unreasonable request. Except when the other person just doesn't care. And you are correct that I don't know what he's thinking. But if he's secretly really concerned with my wellbeing and just not saying anything, well, then, that doesn't do me any good.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Sunny, I'm sorry if you felt pressured by me. It's not so much that I thought you should divorce, as that I felt like it hadn't all sunk in on you what he had done.
MB, I never felt like you were pressuring me or judging me in any way, I just sometimes felt like you didn't understand that I was content with the way things were. Not happy with them, but willing to let them be for a while. But I always understood that you were speaking from experience and concern, so it was all good.
Really, when I hear that your H isn’t considerate of you, isn’t attentive to you, it doesn’t surprise me. Most separated couples don’t continue to meet each other’s emotional needs.
I know. But I've seen it happen, including H's own mother and father, and I just thought we could do it, too. I've always been naïve.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I think you’re wise to move through as much of this as you did without taking legal action yourself.
I really thought I could do it longer than this. Between private prep schools and colleges and a good sized house, there's a lot of cash to be thrown down on behalf of my kids in next few years, and I thought I could play the game long enough to ensure that it happened. And I don't know for sure that I won't, but I'm making an escape plan just in case. Just like H did. He tried to play the game, couldn't do it, and left. It's come full circle now.
My STBX wanted to be a stay at home mom. Her mom was a SAHM that raised the kids, then divorced her dad when they were all in school. X-MIL is now single and still very resentful towards her ex. That was STBX's dream as well. She wanted three children and to be able to raise them. The sex stopped after our third child, and now that the youngest is nearing kindergarden age the bomb got dropped. In many ways I don't think she ever expected a life long partnership with me, but wanted my sperm and support while she raised the kids. Now she's ready to cut bait. And her only regret was "she wished she could've made it until the youngest was in school".
I know if you asked her she would say she wanted to make her M work, and that it was a goal of hers. But I really do think that raising the children was a NEED of hers, M was a want, and that's why she stopped investing in the M and was a overachieving mom.
I said this once long ago and was told I was rewriting history, diagnosing my ex, making excuses when the issue was my mistreatment of her. Truly I'm not interested in doing that. I know our history, I know my actions, and I know what went through her head is irrelevant to what I need to do now.
I just know that I understand the feeling of being played a fool when you thought you were working on something together and the other person had been checked out a long time.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well i was a littel slow on the uptake so have jsut caught up with your thread.
It feels a bit late to weigh in on much of this but i do fully get the frustration that comes from those occassions when we have expectations of consideration that arent met when in truth they arent anything that is beyond the consideration we would should an aquaintance.
But zues was right we can all see your value.
I hope you're having a good day
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi SunnyB,i do fully get the frustration that comes from those occassions when we have expectations of consideration that arent met when in truth they arent anything that is beyond the consideration we would should an aquaintance.
Jim, you have nailed it exactly. I'm only looking for the level of courtesy he dishes out to every service worker in this city. The man is incredibly charming. Except to me. And one of these days I'll stop caring......
