Rebuilding my Castle...

[vge1]

Aww LoisB. I'm sorry that your mom is kinda maintenance required type right now. That's all you need huh?

I just caught up with your sitch. My prayers for you and your DD.

It'll all work out for the good. Keep moving forward. I admire your courage and stamina. You are one tough cookie.

With everything going on in the world - your priorities are your DD and your safety and well being.

Rents are high everywhere. Is there a church or some other resource that can help? Can you get help from your siblings? You know we want the best for you and your DD. You will get through this even when life seems weirder everyday. YOU CAN MAKE IT!!

Prayers for you and your DD. It'll all work out for the good. Remember..those who come into your life and try to harm you are really helping you move up.They just don't know it. For God doesn't allow suffering for waste. Focus on the good!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

[job]

Heather,
You are going to have to find a way to accept your mother for who she is. You are still expecting her to jump on the band wagon and help you out...it's not going to happen and she's been like that for a long time. She's your mother and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about her behavior, but you can do something about the way you interact w/her. From your postings, each and every time you have interactions w/her you get spun up...learn to detach from her drama. As to her question to you about what are you going to do about it? Absolutely nothing. What happened during the pumping station incident has been done before by younger people and let's face it, people don't always think before they do things. I'm just glad no one was hurt or the place didn't blow up.

After interacting w/her, let it go. Your focus has to be on you and your family. You only have control over what you do. I know it frustrates you to no end about your parents, but they are not going to change at this late date in life.

As for Matt's lawyer...maybe Matt has directed him not to send the settlement paperwork to your lawyer for a reason, i.e., maybe to get you to change your mind and take less...but at this point, who knows what is going on in the enemy's camp. BTW, when is your hearing?

Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to find your place of peace, calm and happiness.

[LoisB]

I just feel so damn alone...and I am.

[LoisB]

Powerless over someone else's stupid. And, this stupid impacts my life negatively...things are made harder for me because someone else could and should help, but they choose not to. My needs don't count no matter how valid they may be...even if I'm being treated ridiculously unfairly.

[job]

Heather,
I do understand how you feel, but your parents will not change and in their eyes, they may very well think that they've helped you quite a bit over your life time and now think that you are a woman in your 30's/40's who should be quite capable of taking care of yourself and not expect her parents to come to the rescue each and every time things don't go the way that you had hoped.

You continue to "expect" them to be there to help you, i.e., financially or bail you out of whatever comes along. Maybe they are tired of doing it and besides, don't you owe both your father and your mother money? Maybe they would have been more willing to help you had you repaid them in a timely fashion, i.e., even if it were only $20 dollars month. You can't continue to take and take from people and then "expect" them to come to your aid. People get tired of this type of behavior, i.e., even parents. You should know how that feels because Matt has taken from you so many times and given nothing in return.

Heather, I'm not putting you down here, but from where I'm sitting, I can see both sides and do understand where you and your parents are coming from. It's not about how much money they have or spend, because it is their money to do with what they want and they don't need to justify what they are doing w/their money and most importantly, they don't have to share it w/you or other family members at this time. No one knows what they have stated in their wills and that could be when you and the other family members will get your fair shares, but right now it's theirs and they will decide whether to help a family member or not. It's about them wanting you to stand on your own two feet and not rely on them to bail you out. They want you to be accountable for your actions, learn to budget and learn how to find the answers to your daily trials and tribulations on your own.

I think your parents have been there to help you quite a bit since Matt left. You need to sit down and think about it...your mother has come to your rescue several times, i.e., trip to North Carolina, using her credit card to help you last September when you need help money wise with the place you are currently living in and I think she's also loaned you some money or used her credit card for something you needed. Your father set aside money for your daughter's college and you used it for your divorce and something else and didn't tell him what you did, therefore, your daughter in a fit of anger told him, which in turn, annoyed him because you weren't honest w/him yourself. Your parents have helped you out whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It's not their job to continue to help you out of financial situations as you are now a grown woman and have a job that pays well, as well as the support payments are now coming in. They should be supportive and listen and offer solutions and provide moral support...but they aren't the ATM.

I'm sorry if I have overstepped myself, but it's time to accept the fact that your parents aren't going to continue to provide financial aid to you. You continue to "expect" them to act a certain way and they won't, hence you get disappointed all over again and get angry and frustrated w/them. Please, please stop expecting them to step up to the plate...they aren't going to do so. Have you ever given any thought that maybe you need to change the way that you interact w/them. Have you tried to DB them? The dynamics of the interactions you have w/them may never change, but you, and only you, can change the way that you interact w/them. Sometimes it only takes one to change those dynamics...will that be you?

[Mighty]

When my dad left my mom, he went on to make, literally, millions of dollars. He and his OW have enjoyed all that life has to offer in terms of the physical stuff. My mom ended up suffering through another terrible marriage.

I know that my situation has touched on some of these feelings of rage. How unfair life can be.

I think I am a person who really struggles when things just don't measure up in terms of justice. I see my daughters show the same quality.

Heather, you posted this on bea's thread. Of course, when I read it... I think I saw something. It was two days ago... it was a brilliant thought, but I was tired and going to post later. Well... my brilliance last all of... seconds. I can't remember exactly, but I will try my best. Try to follow along, as my brain is like an old Monte Carlo which has a hard time starting... and when it does... the parking break is always stuck. And its covered in fuzz.

Well, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

A LOT, and I mean, a lot of that stuff is affecting you still today. Maybe I'm wrong... there's a good chance. But, I see the words you you to describe your dad and how he went off and THEN made the moola. It was bad enough to leave you guys, but then to leave you and live the "good life." And leave you struggling!

I think you felt a sort of... hmmm... well... like you were gypped! Like he was your dad and he owed that to you. And... yeah, you're right. But... he doesn't see it that way... that's my guess.

And that translates into the money thing with Matt. Yes.. he owes you cp $.

But... you can't count on these guys. Do what you gotta do. But, don't expect $hit from anyone.

Honestly, Heather, that's what helped me the most. In fact, xh does not hold up to all that he owes me. And the way I got screwed over with house... we are talking tens of thousands...

He is supposed to pay for xyz. And college for s18- right around the corner- I don't expect a penny. I need to get s18 a car- I am doing it on my own- with s18. I am looking into ways to save, make more money... yadda.

I guess my point is, it was so helpful for me to cut my losses. I know we have to protect ourselves and fight for what's right. Honestly, the mlc thing... is just a horse of a different color. You aren't dealing with reasonable people who care or have the capacity to acknowledge what's right. So, I chalked it up as... this is the situation I'm in. What do I have to do to get by? How am I going to survive and take care of my kids?

And look.... I didn't get crap from my dad growing up. He had an awesome job when I was little. Alcohol stole his soul for awhile. He lost his job bc of it. And... he was given a choice- get help or get out. He chose the latter. And he had three kids. He didn't work for years. He was on his own. And at that point... my mom was too as far as raising us. He got by like bar tending here and there. But he probably drank more than he made. My mom worked a million jobs. Like.... a million. More than humanly possible. But she did.

Maybe that's why I don't have expectations from xh. My mom was a workhorse. That's how she was raised. She didn't expect things from my dad. At least that I know of. And I didn't expect things from him either.

I've been at a point where we lost lots of things bc of my dad. But, she always kept it together. Things were crazy... but normal. She balanced us- by doing whatever she needed to do. Maybe that's why I just cut it- didn't care. I knew I could have spent this year in court arguing this and that and getting lots more $$$. But my first thought was that it would take away from the kids. Even his $ (now I know THAT wouldn't have mattered- just taken from his other kid). But I knew that I didn't want to spend s18's last year stressed the heck out. I'd rather get it over with and pick up the pieces and deal with it. Happiness and peace. So worth every damn dollar.

OK, I don't mean to ramble. I don't mean to hijack. I hope this makes sense! Honey, I just want you to be happy. I know you struggle. I know you've been given some tough stuff. I know you are so alone and feel like the world is against you. But don't put yourself against you! Fight for you by letting them go. Look at you and d12. Look at your surroundings. That's what you have. You can count on YOU! I know it's tough. I'm sorry you are doing it alone. But you do have people rooting for you. In your corner! You can do this. I have no doubt. If anyone can... c'mon.... you know where I'm going with this!

Oh! And... btw... writing this post actually gave me a lot of insight into my own sitch! Things I hadn't entirely thought about before! Wow! Sorry I had to ramble on yours....

XO, babe!

[LoisB]

Wow. Thanks guys. Really, I appreciate the feedback.

I guess I shoulda clarified before I posted today...It was deadline day and I found myself getting wound up. I was taking AJ's advice and trying to journal the feelings as they came up. I felt an overwhelming feeling and journeled on here for a minute or two and went back to work.

Number 26 is done and it looks good :-) And, I was in a place of overwhelm but still got it done. I feel like I'm a different person than I was. I'm just different.

Got the newspaper done. Handled D20's Fafsa issues. Dealt with D12 who was in a tricky frame of mind yesterday. Handled Matt today and dealt with some divorce stuff. All in a day :-) A year ago, a day like today woulda blown me outta the water. But, I'm good. I'm still standing.

I confided in a friend/co-worker today about my stresses yesterday with D12 and the smoke alarm (did I mention I had to come home early from work because the wind blew and set off the smoke alarms and it set D12 off for the rest of the evening. She had a mild meltdown). Talking about it today lessened the stress. I felt it melt away some.

Did some yoga this morning.

It was actually a pretty good day. A not so bad day.

Had some miracles happen with Matt. But, I will share those later.

But, I have had these really overpowering feelings recently and I have to admit, when I post the feelings on here, I get the impression I SHOULD feel differently. But, these are the feelings I have right now.

By now, I would think you guys would be able to see that sometimes I need a place to vent. Maybe I need to vent elsewhere. I've tried to stay away from the boards in recent months because there seems to be a disconnect lately for me.

The stuff I share on here is not stuff I share with my parents.

Most of it is STRESS. S.T.R.E.S.S.

And, I don't have much of a support system, yet, to confide in. So, I get to a boiling over point and I write on here. It feels as if I'm sharing with friends.

I don't blame my parents. I don't. I'm 46 and I'm a grown up. Plain and simple. However, I feel what I feel and I'm not sure why?? And, it's not just going away. I think a lot of it is just stress. The rest? I don't know.

I haven't asked my parents for a dime since I moved here. In the past 6 months, I've had two tense conversations with my mother...both in the past two weeks. I haven't asked for help in any way. No, I haven't paid them back and I feel terrible about this...but, that's not why I feel the way I feel.

Let me clarify...I want to be crystal clear here...

My mom is my crazy mom. I get that. There are times when I can't talk to her because she is out to lunch and it drives me bananas to listen to her talk about her life in lala land when I'm struggling. These past two weeks are a perfect example. She shops away thousands of dollars on a monthly basis just sitting in her apartment online. That's her choice. HOWEVER, when I'm struggling and she gives off the impression of concern, I flip a switch. These are the times I can't talk to her. I just can't. I FEEL angry when I hear her describe her life or...I FEEL this way or that. I try to put words to it, but, bottom line, I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel ???

I have found some validation from my siblings who feel similarly. My niece had a suicide attempt a month ago and my mother hasn't called my niece. My sister is upset too. There's a disconnect here somewhere and I'm not beating myself up for feeling the way I do. I'm not acting on anything. I haven't borrowed money. I apologized when I spoke a little too firmly with her the other day.

The issue for me is the feelings. And, why they are so overwhelming right now.

I know she has helped me. I don't disparage this at all. When I'm stressed. I vent and if I don't have any other place, I will vent on here. I'm sure I come off as bitter and whatever. Some days I am. But, at the end of the day, I get that my mom is my mom and she loves me. If, however, on a rough day, I have to listen to her discuss her life of online shopping and whatever...well...it's too much.

My dad.I have to admit. I've felt a stronger sense of myself in the time I haven't had to deal with him. Again, how I feel.

I've spent a lifetime apologizing for my feelings. I'm not going to do it this time. I feel some pretty powerful feelings right now.

And, for the first time, today, I handled Matt with a power and self-assurance I haven't had, maybe ever. He tried to pull some crap on me with the settlement proposal and I called him on his crap and, guess what?, he backed the eff off. :-)

I didn't cower. I didn't cringe. I didn't hide in my bed. I faced him head on and suggested we may need to go to a hearing if he refuses to pay the full amount of child support he owes.

[Mighty]

Heather- you sound fan.freakin.tas.tic. I don't discourage your at all from venting your feelings. And, I totally get the- that's how I feel-even if I should feel differently.

So glad you handled things with strength and class today. That is empowering, huh? Good for you.

Just know, when I spoke about my release and cutting my losses, I could just picture you- being free of their burden. Like holding your hands to the sky, smiling, and saying you are letting go of their mess. That you don't have to carry it. You don't need it. Because, girl, you got you.

Carry on, my friend. Vent, release, and keep going.

PS- glad you were able to talk w someone at work today. Its a great thing to have that camaraderie at work.

[LoisB]

Wow. Ok. Clarity is coming full force as I write this down...

The anger is a good thing, for me...I don't know if it is for everyone? But, it definitely IS for me. This is the first time, this past month, first time I've been off of AD's in 15 years. I've spent a lifetime being depressed and then medicating, sleeping and hating myself in various stages of depression in order to live with the people I was surrounded by. I can't tell you how many therapists, psychiatrists, holistic healers, allergists even!...I went to in order to find the source of my depression. Truth was...I wasn't honoring my feelings. For ME...I don't know about anyone else...but, FOR ME, it's been an absolute Godsend that I've finally gotten really and truly pi$$ed off at the people in my life that sorta shiddy people. Still love em. But, not gonna make excuses and force myself to suffer any longer because someone else is sorta shiddy. Including my mother.

I didn't cower. With Matt today, I didn't cower.

People are just people. I get that. No one is perfect. I love my mother. But, I'm not making excuses for her any longer. And, if I feel angry with her behavior, I will damn well feel angry. I won't bludgeon my 71-year-old mother with it. But, I may vent and I may grumble. I will express the frustration of someone saying one thing...but, always doing another thing that is always much more advantageous to her.

Trust me. I've paid my dues where my mother is concerned. I've sat through countless holiday dinners, often dinners I hosted, sitting with the man who abused my siblings and I horribly and then cheated on my mother...

Job, you knew me when I started here. You may have been one of the first people to post to me in October of 2012 when I was in the lowest place I've ever been in my life. I was desperate and so full of pain. And, you, YOU...helped me pick up the pieces and pull it together.

I was a weakling. I was beaten. I was used to being the butt of belittling comments and accustomed to having my mother, father, husband and in-laws---AND D20 beat me up on a regular, daily basis.

Remember those days?

How many times did you say,"Heather, people see in you someone who they can take advantage of. You gotta pull up your big-girl panties."

Well, let's fast forward to today. I walked into the office today with the publisher of a powerful newspaper publishing company--one that encompasses most of Upstate New York. This same man who almost fired me 2 months ago. I was joking with a co-worker. I looked up and said a friendly "Hello" and went back to joking.

You guys helped me get there. I didn't spend more than 5 minutes tops...more like 30 seconds...worrying for about whether he liked me, if I was dressed ok, if I said the right thing, blah, blah, blah...

I was OK. You guys helped me get here. YOU JOB...YOU HELPED ME GET HERE...

Ok. So, for most of Heather's life, she has sat on the pity pot. And, she hid from life.

Yes, my default button when I'm stressed is to head back to the pity pot. The difference is...I will vent the pity shid on here...but, in my real life, not virtual, I will get up and get it done. Maybe I'm getting it done imperfectly, but I'm getting it done.

I met with my rental agency on Friday. Faced it. Met with the people I owed money to.

I'm a different person. I just am. I'm not up half the night worrying about my job, husband, bills, etc...

I still struggle with the feelings. I'm getting that I get overwhelmed and search frantically for someone to help me feel better.

Honestly, I think that comes from a lot of abandonment. And, I have a personality that gets overly stimulated easily so I spin. When I spin...I generally look for a place to pin the spin feeling. I need to know why because it's uncomfortable and I want to feel better.

In the past six months, I've felt a growing, boiling anger inside me. I think it's been brewing for years and years. Heather was always a pushover. Transitioning from a pushover to someone empowered isn't easy. No transition is easy. It's uncomfortable and awkward and I haven't handled it as well as maybe I could have. But, I've kept trucking.

I'm trusting the process because today I felt different. Just different. I AM different.

I'm not a pushover anymore. I've needed the anger to reach this point.

And, you know what? Once I handled Matt with some firm gloves. He revealed some vulnerability. He said that he wasn't the bad guy everyone thinks he is and that he loves his kids.

I was able to tell him I knew he loved his kids. I was even able to tell him he was a good dad and that's what made me sad that the past few years color all the others.

I've NEEDED this anger. My mother is one of the main people who pushed me around for years and years. I've been there for her and dealt with insane situations with men that make me cringe when I think about it. Her addiction is men and my mother has always had a generous supply of crazy surrounding whichever abusive guy she chose. I've tolerated plenty from my mother and I'm finally owning, in more than words, the reality of her person.

Still, like with Matt, once I feel the feelings, get it out...accept what is...then, I will, without a doubt, be there for my mother in whatever way she needs me. It's who I've always been...and, maybe that's what has triggered some anger. I've been cleaning and caring for this woman my whole life. Maybe I haven't shared all that on these boards. My mother relied on my heavily too.

[LoisB]

Thanks Mighty! ;-)