Is there a bottom?

[bravo61]

update:

couple of days ago the XW blew up my phone w/angry texts. accusing me of using the kids as spies to find out what she does, with, friends are, ect. she just wants us to be "honest and polite". that S shouldn't know about her match profile (he saw it when she popped up a match for me). that she is uncomfortable w/me viewing her profile that she says she has since cancelled (guilty of this but have stopped) and of the kids keeping secrets from her.

i told her that i don't know what she does, don't want to know, and its none of my business.i just let her know that i have been honest with her the entire time that i've known her and been polite with her regardless of the circumstances. i told her that the kids come to me w/their concerns and i just listen and love on them. that they share things with me that i will not tell her because she won't believe them or she'll say i'm manipulating the sitch.

she's mad because S caught her in a lie when she said that she wasn't gonna date anyone (turns out she's been on a few dates-admit that gave me a twinge). she told him that she will not go out again.

went to S baseball game yesterday and saw them all. XW told me that she is proud of me in not falling into the depression that i carried around with me in our marriage. she asked me to sit with her. she realized that she forgot to get snacks for the team and said "crap, that must ruin your impression that i've got it all together". i told her that everyone forgets things from time to time and she's doing great.

bad thing is, if i don't get a job soon i'll be homeless. i can get a job back home but that will mean moving 2000 miles away from my kids. so i've essentially in the space of a year gone from being a full time dad, to part time dad, to potentially a 2x a year dad. this is killing me. all for things that could have been addressed with communication and reflection on my part.

the worse thing is is that the other day she even said that she wished that i would've just left the house and came out here without a job and we would've made it. rips my heart out knowing that just one or two things would've made a difference.

God please help me.

S is more resolved than ever for us to be together as a family.

also she is going to Disney World with her b itchy work friends the first week in may and told the kids that "she's going down to FL for work stuff with her friends". S had an epithany while watching disney channel the other night. he said "wait, Disney world is in FL. Mama's going to DW isn't she daddy? she lied AGAIN!" i just told him that he would need to ask her that, it's between them.

[bravo61]

this will be the first trip to DW for her without me since 2002. we used to go at least every year sometimes two or three times. i wonder if any of those times will hit her heart? prolly not, just thinking out loud.

man do i feel pathetic!

[raliced]

Bravo,

While I know all the stuff with your X pains your heart, I'm going to pass over it for right now (other than to say, yes, you probably shouldn't be reviewing Match.com with your son).

All of your energies should be focused on task #1. Getting a job. I know that it takes a long time for applications to wind around law enforcement agencies and that best case scenarios, it will be a couple of months before you start work again.

How's it going? Have you applied to all the possibilities - investigated any possibilities to fill in the gaps while you wait?

Give us the update.

[bravo61]

Ral,
you are right in reference to match with the S. i did not show it to him, he saw it over my shoulder. he had asked if i was on any dating sites and i told him yes but that i was just looking for a friend (as stated in my profile) and he wanted to see my profile. i hit the wrong button and the daily matches came in. that being said, it doesn't matter, i should not have done it. with that, i have always been honest with him to and i know that it gives him a feeling of security that dad will never lie to him. i feel somewhat complicit with her lies to him and them.

my #1 job is to get a job. i have applied to prolly 35 jobs that would pay my bills along with 5 agency jobs. i'm waiting on unemployment to kick in (hopefully) in around 3 weeks. i've applied to DHS for an investigator job so we'll see how that goes. i definitly want to stay in law enforcement but i'll do anything to stay in my kids lives if it pays the bills.

[raliced]

Good job Bravo,

Give yourself a pat on the back.

I thought I remembered you saying once you were in the Portland area? Did you check the agencies across the river in Vancouver?

[bravo61]

yeah Ral, i'm looking into that as well. thanks for thinking bout me.

so a friend sent me to another website to check something out.
i was listening to Joe Beam's podcast on controlling and that was ME. i had no idea i'm so ashamed of what i did. i made her feel stupid, unloved, not respected as a partner. i can't believe i didn't realize it. no wonder she felt like she was walking on egg shells. God help me, what have i done? i took a precious gift from God and i abused it. everything bad that happens to me i have brought on myself! of course she would want to run. all these decisions (even the poor ones) are HERS and she's so happy to get to make them.

i can't believe that i was so in denial and couldn't see what i was doing because my own pain. i'm such an ahole. divorce stinks but i would give up my life to take away the pain that i caused her.

[Ahoy]

bravo, in my case, I'm the one moving away, but my STBX will get our D14 all summer, every Thanksgiving, a week at Xmas, spring break, Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, Good Friday weekend, MLK Day weekend and two other long school holidays. It works out to 70/30 time split, but it will actually be closer to 50/50 since he will have holiday days and all summer (he doesn't work summer). If you do have to move away and you have an accommodating X who recognizes the importance of parenting time with both parents, you could see your kids more than 2 x a year. The cost of travel is a lot but I've discounted the child support to offset that. Just saying there are ways -- but of course it's not ideal.

[bravo61]

thanks ahoy.
yeah i know it would be more than 2x a year it's just that we've gotten so close since i've come here and committed to being the dad i always should've been.

i did see the X tonite at my S game. i stood on one side and she stood on the other. i was pleasant and smiled at her during interactions and actively listened. i wasn't needy or clingy at all. she asked if i could watch the kids tomorrow nite so she could pick up another shift. and of course i said i'd love too. it's just one of the times that i will help her out and not get credit for it. the thing that does bother me about that is that she will throw in my face later that i do "nothing" for them. but that's ok. i'm stoked about seeing the kids. she would say that she's being nice to me to give me extra time. um, that's saving you $150 on sitter costs but lets just gloss over that.

she's also going to Disney World next week and leaving the kids here. kinda shows where he priorities are but i will still be praying for her. i truly understand how she felt when i was seemingly uninterested in my family. that is the only thing that keeps me from hating her right now.

i will mention the other day she admitted that she did not want to get a divorce but she "had to". whatever the hell that means. she also said that she lays in bed at night worried about paying all her bills. i just listened and didn't try to fix anything.

[Bob723]

Hello Bravo,

I'm thinking about your situation and I truly feel your pain.

I am adding you as the 3rd person from this forum that I am going to dedicate a prayer to tonight.

I'm not a bible expert or "super relgious" but maybe this verse will give you some comfort:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Hang in there please.

Bob

[bravo61]

grab some tissues.D just came into my room with a coloring sheet. she looked at me so earnestly and said, "Daddy give this to mama. she'll love it and forgive you. then she will marry you again." i told her that i'm sorry i can't give it to her mama, she started crying saying "please daddy give it to her. then we'll be a family again. do it for God. please daddy".

Yeah, and I'm brainwashing the kids according to her.