Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Bob723]

You're welcome, Z! Good for you. I know you can take it to the next level. What a great attitude you have. I have learned so much from you.

Keep a stiff upper-lip my friend.

Bob

[Pyrite]

Go Z - for the team, for you!!

you have helped me infinitely and I will forever be in your debt.

i know what you mean about the interrogation bit. it just all seems to hard no matter which way you go. new R or M.

your last Para. sums up what I was trying to say elsewhere - but altering some "words" maybe.

And of course, while the thought of trying to piece my M back together if STBX ever opened that door is truly scary at this point (ALL I can see are problems and broken parts), I believe that those feelings could change and anything's possible. I am not rooting for that at this point because I can't really imaging feeling safe or cared for with
her...but then again she said the same thing and I'm a different man, so who the heck knows, maybe she'll have a change of heart AND become a woman I believe would be able to answer the above questions in a way that would work for me. POINT IS, even though it seems impossible and undesirable, continue to stand I will.

change the genders, the very last bit "I will" AND this could be what your wife(and mine) said to herself, friends, IC when she dropped the bomb.

SO is that the point we are heading for? aiming for? All of the self growth we are trying to "learn", maybe they already did that. maybe they already had that. tell me why I am wrong please.

[MCS]

Zues,

Reading through the last day or so posts, I know exactly where you are. If you aren't aware, I had no clue that anything was wrong in my M before BD and I remember just a month or so prior saying how thankful I am that I never really needed to 'date.' My WW was my first serious GF and we were good friends that developed into more.

Also, I understand the feeling of self-doubt when it comes to women. I've always been really comfortable with women, I'm friends with many more girls than guys. However, the reason is because I'm 'friends' with them and nothing more. I've always been really timid when it comes to anything other than that and I've never been sure why.

Not sure if you know but, WW is totally non-existent in pretty much every way in my sitch. So, while I would love to R (especially for the kids) I feel like I'm at the point that unless there are HUGE changes in her its not in the cards. I'm still standing for my M, but I'm also at the point (as others have said since the beginning) that I don't want to R for the wrong reasons and I see no progress right now. So, I made the decision that I would tip-toe back in and make new connections. Mainly from a social standpoint.

Moral of the story is that through all of this, I see my confidence is much better than I ever thought it would be. The classic trait of being fearful until you try. Now, it may be that I'm pretty sure that I'm not interested in dating, so the pressure is off. IDK. Just letting you know that sometimes we even surprise ourselves.

[JellyB]

Hold the faith guys... Most of us are looking for men who can lead us and our families and who know how to create intimacy. The work you have done here, stands you in good sted, I came to dating and relationships late in life, but in a short time I kissed a lot of frogs looking for the man who was right for me.

From my experience of the dating world you both will be just fine. There is so much more learning you have to do about yourselves and you will learn it. The first time you reject someone when you know they have feelings for you, that will be an eye opener!

I dealt alot with men who were constantly confused about their what they wanted. If you know that you are a relationship guy and not mr mr I'll see what's out there and I might have some causal relationship and see if anything comes of it.... There are women out there looking for you. Women want mr relationship guy! If they don't you will know!

You have to remember there are women out there who have been where you have, sorting through worries of am I good enough, sexy enough, generally am I Enough! They are looking for what you have to offer if it kind honest open and you make her feel like a prize! She may well want to date you and maybe more. But you know she may not!

Btw Zues, a man is good looking and good in bed, when a girl knows that he gets her and he loves her and thinks she is a prize!

And if you look into research about attraction you will find this to be the case. Women find their men more good looking physically the better they are treated and more secure in the relationship they are. As for good sex, well that is relative to the two people involved!

[Pyrite]

yeah yeah, save it i have heard that line since i was a teenager - but i can guarantee that i was never envious of the SNAG in the corner of the room. still who knows, i haven't been single for a while. maybe at 40+ i'll clean up

[gan]

So the question - is there another way to build confidence in your value to a member of the opposite sex without trying to become a playboy? If not, is there something wrong with the path I would then choose above?

I'll echo what JellyB has already said. Each to their own - I'm sure you do just fine, Zues. The reality is that the lady on the receiving end is most likely struggling with the confidence just as much as you! As for your value - well the very fact that you are posting in this forum says a lot about your value!

I know I'm banging on about the books by Schnarch, but one of the other core concepts is about self vs other validated intimacy. Knowing who you are and what you are about rather than relying on someone else's view of you (i.e. being able to share your video with someone else no matter what they think about it) - that's self-validated intimacy....and its the key to being able to tolerate really close relationships without feeling like you've lost yourself.

[Pyrite]

I wish DB coaches had a dating service. If someone worked with a DB coach for 2 years and the M couldn't be saved, they would compare notes and make recommendations. At least then I'd feel like I was fishing in the right pond. But again, all of this will change, that's why I'm glad I have time.

Sounds like a plan Z. All you need is a database(db). hook them up. lethal fire off the interrogation questions. a D-unBed- DB. I'm terrified of being attracted to a woman only to find out she was a WAW, A failed, etc etc." Are you repentant/remorseful? Not that I'm judging - arrrrgggghhhh"

[Zues126]

MCS! Yes, I've trolled your threads. I for whatever reason just haven't found a good point to jump in. But yes, I understand that things are always hardest in your head. I mean, millions of men find partners. If all of them can do it, I don't know why I couldn't!

Py and Gan...I've posted enough on your threads to make the DB forum's server start to lag so I'll keep it short. Thanks for the replies. You've got me. I'll order Shnarch on my next amazon bender. I'm sure with a name like that he has learned a lot about how to self validate

Jelly...Jelly...What great energy. Thanks for the pep talk. Sometimes I feel so old fashioned. But you're right, there are people out there that are a good fit. I've been a little dismissive of the good fit thing before, I felt people spend way too much time trying to find the right partner, and not enough time appreciating the flawed partner they have. But I'm starting to learn that by finding a partner that is at least a fit on SOME level can take very real pressure off down the road.

Overall I think I'm doing ok, and I'm pumped about where I'll be in 6 months, and 12 months. I plan on knocking out those goals. I know that I've come a long ways in the last year. If that repeats itself I might feel like austin powers...:)

[V2pt0]

Bob723,

I will need to take a look at that book. I just bought one of Schnarch's books based off of Gan's recommendation. I think I have about 10 self help/marriage books to read already (LOL) so need to wait.

BW05

[V2pt0]

Agree with everyone else in that you and others are doing the work for future R and will do great. In that regard our Ss are not and will bring same crap to next R if they don't bother to fix with our Ms.