I know that flooding reaction well and its a major pain - something im trying to figure out because i can know all kinds of stuff about reactions and behaviours (and NVC) but its difficult to apply any of it when flooded. As an aside I love the way your acedemic nature has you referencing your sources.
Do you still want to send a letter then? what do you think it might say?
I know we only know you from what you post but I can't say you've ever come accross as even slightly narcissitic.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
What on earth would make you think you're narcissistic?
To a certain extent, you can read those lists of 'qualities' and recognize them, but so many are pretty healthy and normal.
If we are truly reading your innermost thoughts, I sincerely doubt it!
The anger stage - probably because you are still feeling hope and compassion for your H. Anger requires feeling your values were infringed upon, injustice, all those things. Perhaps you are too kind or well adjusted to feel wronged in this?
Hugs, Gan.
From a distance it looks as though you and your H were compatible and the sparks stopped and he wanted more sparks in his life. If you truly want him, I cannot say that NC is your friend. He wanted a 'better relationship' with you but couldn't define it. I read this as you are tremendously important to him, but he doesn't know how or where to file you now. What I will say to you is going to sting perhaps, because my bestest friend (male) told me the same thing in Nov:
Your H has already divorced you and made the decision to work at accomplishing that a while ago. Emotionally.
This doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you. You loved each other for 15 years. You said he sounded like he was crying at the end of the phone call.
I say you not only have the gift of time, but the gift of a fresh start with him if it is what you want. If he is amenable to the idea of seeing you as a friend, I'd take him up on it, and enjoy each other, flirt, re-connect and re-attract, show him the sparks can be there.
If you can accept the idea your M is dead, and go at this with no expectations, I'd say that's your best shot.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I think this is a difficult one, and I'm in a similar position to Gan, with a largely NC sitch. In fact, I haven't seen my H since August and the last time we spoke by phone was Feb. In our sitch there has been an OP involved, so I went pretty dark.
I think the NC does help with detachment, and I feel my life is pretty peaceful now. Is it a good idea to 'pursue' friendship in hope of re-attracting your H? And being a bit flirty in the process? IDK.
For me, given the OP (and I don't know present status of that) I would feel pretty vulnerable. Gan, I imagine you may feel similar, not knowing if there may be an OP somewhere on the scene. Plus, didn't your H also say he didn't want to meet up or chat more often - even though he wanted to be 'friends'?
I agree that with childless sitches like ours, it is harder to 'remind' your S of how great you are, and of changes you may have made. But I'm not sure if 'friends in hope of some thing else' is the way to go. Particularly at this point in the sitch, where we are still somewhat raw, but definitely moving forward.
Just ramblings really. I would love the chance to show H 'gorgeous Toots' but don't know that I would want to put myself 'out there' pursuit-wise, to do it. self-protection versus trying to re-attract I guess....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, Maybell, V, Jim, Zel and Toots for your thoughts. I feel so lucky to have you around (virtually).
It's ok. I did a narcissist test online and I am only average. So I'll put that one to bed ;-) Just something about this whole situation makes me wonder if i’s me who is off my nut, you know?
Maybell Why did he say he left? He said he was unhappy. Wants more fun, more passion. Wants to date other people. The usual. The things I do own up to though: (1) I didn't validate his feelings enough - he interpreted this as me not listening; (2) I sometimes let work get the better of me and brought home work stress. We both let things slide in the ML department. In Scharnch language, we were "emotionally fused".
Vanilla First, your tone cracks me up. So delightful, yet to the point at the same time. Makes me smile. Is it mindreading if I base my assessment on words that come out of his mouth and his actions or rather non-actions (not making any move toward me in 10 months)?? Re flooding - I do ok with the self-soothing. I’ve read that women do tend to be able to settle themselves faster, and I’m inclined to agree. I’m less concerned about how it feels to me, and more concerned about how it is for those on the other side of it (i.e. H). So it’s the intervening first that I need to work on. What do you suggest? Yoga and meditation probably help…I’ve let those slide while I’ve been travelling but I am getting back on the bandwagon this week (did back to back classes yesterday + meditation this morning). I’m not sure if I’ve been stuffing away my feelings. I do think I have sometimes been parking them someplace with the intention of coming back to them when I know how this is going to play out…like sometimes I catch myself getting worked up over some particular line of thought and decide I’m just not gonna go there because it’s speculation or what not.
Jim Tanzania was amazing, mind-blowing and so fun to get out in the field. Crazy to think what I was doing just 10 days ago - feels like a world away. In terms of the letter - I guess I was mostly thinking of validating some things he said and let him know that I’m taking his lead when it comes to interaction (just as I feared, he now seems to be rationalising us not getting back together because we haven’t had any deep conversation in forever…because you know who is not initiating them).
Zelda I’m not sure if I’m feeling much hope these days. Compassion sure (I believe H true is/was unhappy) but not hope. H didn’t say he wanted to be friends, he said “he wants to have a better relationship with me”…but seems to want to do so without having more frequent interaction. I can’t reconcile those two things in my head. I don’t feel that I can pursue friendship as that seems to disregard his wish not to have more frequent contact.
((Toots)) It’s all I can say to you my friend. I don’t know what we are to do about our fellas!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Jelly - thanks for stopping by. Just posted on your thread.
Been a busy couple of days with parents in town. Now it is their turn to head to the UK to visit my sis.
The weather has been a shocker here. Last week we had what would have been called a category 1 cyclone had it originated closer to the equator. Then there was a hail storm that caused several warehouses to collapse under half a metre of hail! Now they're predicting another deluge later in the week. Sheesh!
Trust that means good things are happening with the weather in everyone else's part of the world!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
At least its not average weather. Besides you cant go jetting off round the world every week
I can see what you're thinking with the letter but i suppose i question whether thats how he would read it (regardless of how well its written). I'd be relatively confident he knows how you feel, but if hes in self justification mode there is not much anyone can do to break through that unfortunately.
So important question - does your H now owe you a small herd of cows?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim - I think it's my dad he owes some cows to. I know what you are saying re letter. For all the talk about letters since the beginning of this debacle I've never sent one. I guess the idea was just to try something different. Not sure what I'll do...
Gg, thanks for stopping by. Haven't checked out your thread in a while. Will check in later today. More rain here, ugh!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
