I also did some research this morning on the Stockdale Paradox, and what an amazing, and powerful concept. So as I understand it, it's looking this horrible situation right in the face, and having the faith to believe that I will have the positive outcome that I want in the end. ie: I have faith that my husband and I will be back together, and live a very happy loving life together.
Being optimistic, not fully taking stock of thr situation, and creating false hopes and timelines.
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Lucy, you seem to be two steps ahead of where I was when I joined which is good. I would really keep focusing on you and making yourself be the best Lucy there is. Then you will be happy no matter what and your H would be a fool to leave you.
Congratulations on the weight loss!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Hi Lucy, sounds like you are doing pretty well. I also found the Stockdale Paradox helpful and often think of it. In terms of overall faith, I don't even have faith in such a specific outcome (H and I being back together again) - more an overall faith that life will be good again going forwards, whatever the outcome of this sitch.
And then rolling sleeves up to deal with the intervening brutal reality in a way that is honest, authentic and true to my values...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The Stockade Paradox, opened me up to the Secret, to the Law of Attraction, to "Think and Grow Rich" by N. Hill, and to "Success Principles" by J. Canfield. I am trying to do what you are already doing (own a business).
It is amazing to me the principles in business books and how they are similar DB/DR.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Yes, quite an interesting concept, isn't it? For now, please work on what you can control, that is making any positive changes that you feel you need to make.
BTW, way to go with the weight loss. Woo Hoo!
Don't give up hope Lucy.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
If you can let go of hope, and do the DR routine in the meantime, that is your best chance I believe.
There is reference here to the Stockdale paradox, about the optimists being the ones that don't survive. I found it helpful when I got here to research that.
Here is what Zelda is referring to:
What the optimists failed to do was confront the reality of their situation. They preferred the ostrich approach, sticking their heads in the sand and hoping for the difficulties to go away.
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
"What the optimists failed to do was confront the reality of their situation. They preferred the ostrich approach, sticking their heads in the sand and hoping for the difficulties to go away. "
That's not what the Stockdale paradox is. The ones who didn't survive were the ones who put a timetable as to when they would be rescued. They had EXPECTATIONS. The ones that lived, KNEW they would be rescued, but didn't have EXPECATIONS as to when. They let go of things that they knew wasn't in their control.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I love the optimism and the Stockdale paradox! We can only control ourselves and i like Mr. Bond's interpretation of the Stockdale Paradox. I am realizing that is it very important to NOT have expectations and NO timetable. Just work on ourselves!
Me-35 W-34 Married 6/2011 T-6 years S-2 BD-3/22/2015
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
Im continuing with my weekly counseling, and my Weight Watchers meetings, eating healthy, (down 28 lbs total now!) and keeping in touch with friends. I've been taking care of a lot of things that need to be done around the house, and trying to keep busy.
I do have some progress to share also. The DB coach helped me put together a letter to my husband, and after some very small positive communication (BABY STEPS!) between my H and I last week, she said I could go ahead and send it to him. I waited a couple days, and sent it to him yesterday.
That afternoon he contacted me via text, and asked if I could resend it, he had accidentally deleted it. So I did resend it to him. I know he deletes things he gets from me, because "she" uses his phone, computer, and his truck too. So I feel he read it in the morning, when I let him know to check his email, read it, and deleted it. I feel he probably had been thinking all morning about it, and asked me to resend so he could read it again.
As he had texted me, I kept the line of communication open between us. Last week, what really opened him up was when I quickly handled a couple things he needed me to do for the restaurant. So yesterday after he had contacted me, I kept that line of communication open, in a very positive way. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him, and he did say no.
I continued, I needed some help with the lawn mower, it was flashing a light that I didn't know what to do with, so I asked him a few questions via text. Next thing I know, my phone is ringing, and it was my H. We had an amazingly pleasant conversation! (BABY STEPS! I always try to remind myself of this!). It was like talking to the husband I know, and love.....no anger at all in his voice.
This is a huge step for him, he has not initiated any communication with me since this whole mess started, and he's always been bitterly angry towards me.
We ended the conversation with him coming to pick up our second mower, so he has something to use at the restaurant, and he said he will change the oil for me in the other one I use here.
He is still with "her", but she is starting to put the nails in her own coffin, and I believe he is starting to get tired of her. I'm not going to let myself focus on that point however, I'm just going to continue being the positive person I've been working hard to become, growing from this experience, and working on me.
Last edited by Lucy105; 05/07/1503:21 PM.
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
