Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

[Miman2]

Journaling:

So my trip is almost at an end. Heading back home in a couple of hours.

Yesterday's interview went rather well I think. I'm surprised I didn't break down in the middle of it. I guess I had enough going on with meeting new people every 30 mins. or so. That helped keep my mind busy enough that I didn't start to wonder back to thoughts about the W.

The first IC I saw through work called at lunch to check up on me to make sure the new IC she referred me to was working out well. I told her how we seemed to be stuck in crisis management and how we're just now starting to work on issues, and how I've even looked around a bit to see if I couldn't find someone else before deciding to give my current IC a bit more of a chance.

I tried the Headspace app last night before bed. It was so relaxing I fell asleep a bit while the narrator was quiet. By the time it was done I was more than ready for bed. I woke up a couple of times in the night last night but maybe not as often as I have been.

Waiting around this morning to head back is a bit tough. After breakfast I came back to my room and just had this overwhelming urge to cry. I don't think I was even really thinking about the W or the sitch. I guess I was feeling a bit lonely and depressed. I had even taken my meds this time.

Spent a bit of time this morning trying to take care of me as best as I could while being out of my own environment. Read up on some other people's sitches, read some religious blogs, did some Meetup planning and a little online shopping around. The distractions help a bit, writing it down now helps quite a bit more as well.

I vaguely remember thinking about the W and the sitch first thing this morning and finding myself get angry and upset about things. At this point I can't even remember what specifically I was getting upset about. The only thing I can think of is maybe it was her unwillingness to work on things.

I have another phone interview at a new employer tomorrow. Tonight I'm looking forward to getting home and hopefully I haven't been robbed blind by the W while I was gone. By the time I get back there won't be a whole lot of time to get out and do any GAL tonight, but I guess I have a whole weekend to look forward to.

[Miman2]

Journaling:

Wonders never cease to amaze me.

Either she didn't know I was out of town or she actually respected my request that she didn't go over while I wasn't there. Either way the cats were still in the apartment and nothing seems to be missing.

I had another one of those bittersweet dreams last night. Every night the mom and I pray over the phone together. One of the things I pray for is reconciliation with the wife and that's exactly what was going on in the dream.

A part of me worries that the reconciliation in the dream is the closest I'll ever get to working things out with the W. The other part of me hopes that it's a sign of things to come. Either way having those dreams are jarring. Although I don't seem to be as shaken as some of the earlier ones have shaken me.

Avengers 2 is out, I want so badly to ask her to lunch and to go see it with me. I never thought I'd even have to face the possibility of seeing it without her. There's another CoDA meeting tonight I was thinking of going to. I'm toying with the idea of trying to squeeze in going to see it before the meeting. I guess I'll see if I can pull it off or not.

[MrBond]

"Either she didn't know I was out of town or she actually respected my request that she didn't go over while I wasn't there."

Why are you surprised? Do you have that much lack of respect for her already that you're not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt?

[Miman2]

Probably because she's been lying about things she's been doing and who she's been doing them with since BD. It is kind of hard to maintain a high level of respect for anyone who does that. Just last Monday she flat out told me that she wasn't spending her money on staying in hotels with the OC, and low and behold a friend saw her and OW at a hotel party last weekend.

Maybe because I feel like the entire sitch is one giant betrayal.

But mostly because she has come into the house to take things without saying anything at all before. She came in and out without a word, not even a heads up, or even an after thought. I wanted to change the locks SO badly after that but never did.

She has mentioned she wants to take the cats and here she had almost 3 whole days to do that all to her hearts content with a 0% chance of getting caught or running into me. To me that seemed like a giant, guilt-free opportunity for her to do what she wanted and take what she wanted.

Even before leaving for this trip I wanted to change the locks while I was gone. I wound up "giving her the benefit of the doubt" and decided not to. Thankfully she didn't betray that trust.

[MrBond]

"Probably because she's been lying about things she's been doing and who she's been doing them with since BD. "

TBH, she really doesn't owe you any explanations. She tells you things just to placate you. You see them as "lies" but in reality she just tells you something because she doesn't want to deal with you and just tells you what you want to hear.

You're at that point in the process where your fear is now changing to anger and resentment. If you're not careful it will change to unforgiveness and then you'll move on to someone else. Problem is that because you didn't spend the effort to learn and understand how your actions affected your W, you'll end up repeating the same behaviors with someone else.

[Miman2]

I've been toeing the anger/resentment/no-forgiveness line for a while.

I keep pushing the anger/resentment away and ignoring the things she's doing. All while telling myself she's out doing her own thing, there's nothing I can do about it and I can't let it get to me.

Occasionally I allow myself to feel the anger/resentment & lack of forgiveness. When I do I start to tell myself I'll be better off moving on with my life with out her. I tell myself she's made her decision and she's not going to change it.

At the end of the day I choose to move on from it all and hold on to the hope that one day she'll want to work on things. When she does I'm willing to forgive and forget and move on.

The only problem is I keep trying to convince myself that she's not the type to reach out to anyone and that I should probably try to reach out to her to try and to get the reconciliation ball rolling. :-/

[Vanilla]

MMn

I would like to reprise my thinking on MrB wisdom. Of course she is out doing her thing, it's what WWs do, like dogs bark, or alcoholics drink or toilets flush.

Your WW will let YOU know if she wishes to R, you will not need to reach out. WW is out doing her thing for now. You can not know the future, if WW will want to work on your R, then she will make that very very clear. At this time, the kindest thing I can say is breathe and let WW complete her path.

MMn know this, you have the time to work on you, there is no need to move on with your life. You can stand for your M, stand for yourself. If you move on then you may move on without knowing, without learning, without understanding that which your higher power needs you to know. You may move on but you move on without the life lesson your soul is aching for you to learn. This means Groundhog Day until that lesson is learned.

Stop, breathe awhile. Become, DB, perform Sandi guidelines and go to CoDa, embrace the knowledge of their twelve steps, join the fellowship. Reach out to MMn, learn who that is.

Change the locks, protect yourself, get Intel and detach.

V

[Fogg]

Your WW will let YOU know if she wishes to R, you will not need to reach out. WW is out doing her thing for now. You can not know the future, if WW will want to work on your R, then she will make that very very clear. At this time, the kindest thing I can say is breathe and let WW complete her path.

I completely agree with this part. That is something I have struggled with since the start, not so much now. Thinking I am responsible to bring W back. Feeling like if I don't do something I miss an opportunity to get her back. The truth is thinking this way only keeps you in a bad place of feeling responsible. It stops you from detaching in a major way. You are not responsible for her actions, she is. If she wants a relationship with you, you will know. Right now she doesn't, she wants to continue her path and see where it goes, and you have to respect that and let go.

Let go of that thinking. W will make it clear if she wants to come back and you can deal with things if/when they cross that bridge. Focusing on it too much now keeps you from moving forward.

[Miman2]

Thanks Fogg and Vanilla.

I am working on learning on taking care of myself. I'm working through both the Codependent no more book and workbook. The book has several chapters that cover taking care of yourself, while the workbook goes through the CoDA 12-steps themselves. I'm going to CoDA meetings twice a week, seeing an IC, GALing, working out, keeping up with work, applying for new jobs and going to church. The only day I don't really have anything going is Tuesday evenings.

That being said I feel like I'm on a good trajectory in DBing.
I know that I need to wait, and I'm not talking about literally waiting, for her to reach out and for when she wants to reconcile.
I know that I need to wait until she's in the frame of mind where she's ready and committed to working on the R.
I know that making a move on anything before that wouldn't be in the best interests in terms of reconciling.

The only problem with waiting for all that is that it all relies on one assumption.

That assumption is she is a well adjusted, socially normal, extroverted individual who will reach out to people no matter what when she feels like talking to them. Something my W has never been.

I know I can't rescue her. I know that I can't control her or convince her to work on things.

The hard part is ignoring the fear that she's done her part in trying to work things out and I'm not meeting her halfway.

The hard part is ignoring knowing her for 13-years and never once seeing her reaching out to anyone she's wanted to reach out to, family included.

The hard part is convincing myself that if she really wants to work on things and really means it, then MAYBE she will actually get over a lifelong social phobia of hers to actually get the ball rolling.

GAL Report
Whirlwind GAL weekend. Friday night's CoDA group went pretty well. Turns out the group goes out for dinner afterwards so I got to spend a lot of time socializing afterwards.

Saturday there was a huge board game group get together that I went to. 12-hours of table top gaming, socializing, and fun times to be had by all.

With all the excitement and activity over the weekend I had to take Sunday down a notch so I could tend to things around the apartment.

All-in-all not a bad weekend, one of my more active ones in a long time. Hopefully I can keep up the weekend activities at this level a bit more.

[Vanilla]

MMn

I love the GAL, it is very important to me. It has grounded me and made me sane. 12 steps are a good fit for DB, they bring us to our higher power.

If W doesn't want to socialise that is her choice, just as much yours to socialise. This may be something about W you have to accept, she may choose to not reach out and socialise.

is this a deal breaker?

Can you accept W as she is because W will need to accept the new improved fantastic DBer as you are?

V