The owner of this website, Michelle Weiner-Davis wrote this on her blog:
Originally Posted By: MWD September 12, 2011
Ten Things You Need To Know About Affairs
3. Most affairs end
It’s important to know that, while affairs can be incredibly sexy, compelling, addictive and renewing, most of them end. That’s because after the thrill wears off, most people recognize that everyone, even the affair partner is a package deal. This means that we all have good points and bad points. When two people are in the throes of infatuation, they are only focusing on what’s good. This is short-lived, generally speaking. That’s because reality sets in and infatuation fades. If the betrayed spouse doesn’t run to a divorce attorney prematurely, it’s entirely possible and even like that an affair will die a natural death.
What this means is that your affair, now turned marriage, has most likely come to it's predictable end.
If your first wife isn't remarried, I'd encourage you to spend the next couple days figuring out how best to apologize to her and own every single thing you did to her and your son from that relationship, pray for her forgiveness and then be the best father you can be to that son. Maybe she'll take you back. Probably not right away but in time and with consistent repentant behaviors she may consider it.
I know it probably sounds ridiculous but, IMO, it is the only true path back to happiness. I'm presuming you had no biblical right to divorce wife #1 in the first place so marrying anyone (your current wife or any third wife) wouldn't be a biblical union so either you remain unwed or go back to wife number one.
I'm sorry that I don't have more convenient advice and hope you are not upset by this. If you have a problem with this advice please take it up with God.
I have to wonder if you checked the history here to see if your 1st wife posted here 4 or 5 years ago trying to save your marriage to her back then while you were running off with this woman. Maybe now you have a lot more empathy for the pain you put her (and your child) through. Being cheated on [censored], doesn't it?
IN THE ALTERNATIVE, if you insist on trying to reconcile with this twice wayward wife you must realize that being wayward works for her. She left her first husband and got you....a supposed improvement with more money, so leaving you for another man makes complete sense. She's got her own money so she doesn't NEED you anymore and relationships are disposable to her. She has a very low commitment threshold and values only her selfish gratification and happiness above everything and everyone else. Perhaps the best way to get this kind of serial cheating person back is to give her more gratification and happiness than the other man she is currently with. You reported her first husband just sat there and let her walk out on him with his daughter without any fight so that plan is what she expects and counts on as she leaves you. She feels entitled to it and the fact you participated in it the first time makes it even harder for you to feign indignance (why is it wrong this time but not last time, just because it's happening to you???). So that leaves little room for any of the typical ideas to work but I'm not telling you you can't try. Call the divorce busting office and counsel with their coaches. However, it appears to me that if you sit back she just leaves you like the first husband and you are a hypocrite if you get angry at her cheating this time when it was OK when she cheated with you.....SOOOOO an alternative plan, maybe, if you can stomach it... you just keep feeding her ego, entitlement and selfishness and let her cake eat to her hearts content long enough and without any resistance or flack that eventually OM will get sick of the game, sick of competing for your wife's attention, sick of the drama and dump her and leave her to you.
I am sorry and sympathetic but you kind of signed up for this with full knowledge that this woman doesn't value the commitment of marriage. It appears to be who she is. The big question for you to figure out....is this who you are??? It's never too late to turn away from sin. Many people in your situation have gone back to wife #1 and remarried. It's not common but it happens.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I'm sorry you find yourself here and it sounds like you've gotten some great advice. As you know, DB is about working on yourself and doing what works. Make Stuart the best guy possible and perhaps save your R. There are no guarantees except death and taxes.
I'm no expert and only have this to say. Obviously, you can only work on you. However, if your wife suffers from an ED, (and I actually started battling this at age 6 in the 2nd grade- I was way ahead of my time:-), there are ongoing, underlying issues that are always there. This doesn't give you a pass or the opp to say it's all her. However, most people with EDs are rather complex in how they see themselves, how others see them, and this can thoroughly complicate Rs. I realize humans are complex in general again, EDs add an extra layer. We want to control something in out lives.
Focus on yourself and your child. Become the person you want. Good luck!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
What this means is that your affair, now turned marriage, has most likely come to it's predictable end.
Georgia,
I value your opinion and you have your right to yours. You and I agree on a lot of things especially religiously. I struggle every day, every moment trying to apply what I read and have learned in the Bible to my sitch. For every passage I read that helps, I find one that doesn't. I feel right now as the book says that WW is out in the desert, naked and alone and is awaiting God to take her back in and rejoin her with me....but I also read that I have the case that I've married someone who is having trouble with being a Christian (although she's still going to church) and as such, I have the right to annul our M. So where do I stand? I stand for not placing my personal values on WW decisions and what her faith is telling her (even though I feel I have the right as her H,) I just need to look at MCS and use the bible to guide my actions.
Sorry for this and I don't want to make this too controversial, but this whole post rubbed me the wrong way. The bible also shows us to not be judgmental of others, because we all have and will continue to sin. I know what scripture says, but its also not on us to apply scripture to their situations. We can use it as guidance and I hope that was your intentions, but I didn't read it that way. I look at the concubine washing Jesus' feet and see that His heart opened for her. Not for her past transgressions, but because he sees us all as his children.
There are numerous examples in the bible that God showed His grace on people that have been through these situations. I know, there's also passages about adultery and what that leads to.
Let's keep this a place of healing.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I thought this site was brilliant up to now. I think this is utterly preaching when you do not know the situation of my 1st marriage. And how does this post help me?
I feel I am an honourable man, with good morals, yes I left my 1 st marriage but I have learnt from that. All that came with it. pain. Guilt, hurt....i committed to it never happening again. That's why I am here. To get help and direction and support.
Stuart, dont give up on this site. GB means well. Sometimes we come across posts that really irk us. Believe me, when I was new here I got a lot of them. Chalk it up to "internet communication". In other words, we are only able to communicate a small amount of what we are feeling through a post and others may or may not interpret it the way we meant. Consequently their response may or may not be on par with what is going on. GB is not here to judge you or condemn you, but try and make you think. I agree with GB on things and disagree with others. But every person posting on your thread WANTS to help you in their own way.
The mere fact you are here posting speaks volumes as to your character and your heart. Especially being a male. (no offense to the ladies, but men do tend to be more guarded with feelings). Keep posting. People here will offer you all kinds of advice. Take what feels right to you. At the end of the day, you have to live with your choices. Not the people here. Everyone here has had an experience similar to yours and they share from that experience. If there was a magic answer, or correct path, there would be one poster and one voice. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different to some degree. In time you will find yourself posting on other people's (I hope) threads sharing what you have learned from your own experience. It may help some, it may rub some the wrong way. But share.
Keep at it, and keep posting. This forum was the best thing that could have happened to me almost a year ago. I hope a year from now, you look back and think the same thing.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I feel I am an honourable man, with good morals, yes I left my 1 st marriage but I have learnt from that. All that came with it. pain. Guilt, hurt....i committed to it never happening again. That's why I am here. To get help and direction and support.
Hello Stuart,
Would you mind if I asked what happened in your first marriage? Just a brief summary?
You will get help and support and direction from this forum.
I will dedicate a prayer in your name tonight.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Of course. 1st marriage, went very quick, we did know each other really. Didnt live together until we married. Found out quickly Had nothing in common from friends to hobbies to outlook on life. Not much money so i worked hard, wife didn't, i did house work, wife didn't and so on...... Tried to talk, but she blanked it, as if it would go away. Tried for 5 years as i believed in my vows. Then met current W through sports club, guess you can guess the rest.
I know i have and had a role in where we are today, but The complexity of my wife, hi intelligence, low self esteem hidden behind a very confident shell and past issues, i now know are playing a massive part in this.
She has always needed approval, especially when it comes to looks, deep down i am more and more sure that this her way of refilling her own self esteem as in "look i can still attract"
Only my views, but by no means do i shy away from my part.
