It's nice to have dreams and think about what you would like to do...but a fixer upper is not for the faint of heart. You purchase them and you do not have a clue as to what the problems are behind the walls and floors and they can be money pits and take up huge amounts of time. Besides, you didn't have the time, money or energy to continue fixing up the place in Ohio. You want to be in a place whereby it's in good condition w/little or no yard to keep up. Your time is already limited and why put that added burden on yourself.
I agree that it would be in your best interest to move closer to the town you are currently working in. Just think of the friends and neighbors you could have for support who know you from the paper. Even if you don't stay at the paper, the support would be wonderful and it would cut down on the time, gas and mileage of your vehicle. It's time to start looking and planning for the move. Your lease is up October 1 isn't it?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Problem is...when I figure out what I can afford, along with the debt owed to the attorney and my dad, I can't much better than a fixer upper.
I don't know...I had a two-hour discussion with a pastor today who moved to this area about a year ago. Now my brain is all a muddle.
He's already leaving. He is a very logical, practical man with a background in business consulting and ministry. Interesting combo! He's lived about 4 different states, working in various churches. He said this is the most poverty-stricken area he's ever lived. He's leaving because, as he nears retirement, he isn't interested in living somewhere that needs this degree of help. He said the people have this combo of New England-ish "don't help me--I can do it myself" along with the isolation of living in a climate where 200 inches of snow per years keeps everyone shut off, literally, for lengthy periods. People are very stuck in their ways and keep to themselves. Add this transient population from Fort Drum, outrageous rents, few to none jobs to support people in a healthy way...well, it's sorta depressing. In a story I wrote this week, one major mover and shaker in the village told me how it's criminal how the rents have been pushed so high that all people have to choose from are dumps...when you pay say $1250 (what we pay) to $1500 and you have to pay for a lot of filth. Kids are going to school hungry because families can't afford rent and groceries. One kid came to school last week and told a teacher that all the food the school sent home to help for the weekend was gone because another family moved into their home. He went hungry for the weekend.
Both of these men are from outside, like me, and have a pretty healthy perspective of what's outside this area. And the contrast between what we see and what we know is outside this area is sobering. So many families live and pay rent to reside in trailers/dilapidated apartments.
I can't tell you how nice it was to talk to someone with an outsider's perspective and have them "get" where we were coming from. I told him how we chose to live about 40 minutes away because the area was so much more cheerful and the people seemed more hospitable. We live in a town with the Kraft factory and things aren't nearly as impoverished.
The pastor and I started discussing a story the I did this week on poverty in this area and it was pretty illuminating for me. As we talked, we both got to talking about things we both were struggling with...He's looking for somewhere to retire and I told him how D12 and I were looking for a place to settle into for the long haul.
The poverty in this area is staggering. The area that I cover has 50-65 percent of the county-wide student population eligible for free and reduced lunches based on incomes. There's a growing trend of families doubling up on the other and living together in spaces because the rents are so high.
We may be a here a bit...My lease is up in October anyway. I will just have to figure out how to earn more income and keep driving and get D12 closer to some kids...feeling a bit overwhelmed again.
I did have this one lady at an organization reach out to me to give me some resources to help with D12. The counselor suggested I had many Asperger traits and gave me homework to see what help is available for D12 and Me in terms of help with budgeting, paying down the debt, dealing with day-to-day...
Sadly, many of the resources are in Vermont/NH/Mass...But, I am persevering. Can't help but feel the solution to a lot of this is right around the corner...I'm just not sure which corner to take. Maybe I will take all four until the I find the one that works.
Last edited by LoisB; 04/29/1511:10 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The pastor I spoke with today has a background in strategic planning. He said he'd be happy to sit down with me to create a strategic plan with the whole career/where do I belong thing...I think if I wasn't so overwhelmed today, I'd be excited. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It sounds like things are starting to look brighter for your D's and yourself. You have so many more options now. Take all of the offers of help with planning and diagnostic help for yourself and D12. Once you have more info, you'll be able to the find the right Dr.'s, and counselor's. It's a gift from God that others are offering to help you, just when you need it. You'll find your place in due time. Wait for the right opportunity. It's on the horizon. You just can't see it clearly yet.
One day at a time, one hour at a time and one step at a time.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Just had a Blessing Alert!! There's this little girl who lives down the street. She is 10 years old and seems very lonely. Her dad is in the service and she has moved around quite a bit.
Well, it's 8 p.m. and she shows up at our door to say that her mom is in labor and at the hospital. Her dad hasn't come home from work and she and her two brothers aren't allowed to cook when no one is home. These kids have been sitting alone wondering what's going on at the hospital.
Then, the brother shows up. He says to me, "My dad's girlfriend is in labor and I can't reach my dad. I called my mom and she said if no one is home before 8:30 p.m. to go ahead and make dinner."
So, I ask this 12-year-old boy, "Where's you mom?"
"Oklahoma."
Then, a stepmom comes up in the conversation. This a different woman from the OK mom and girlfriend already mentioned.
What the hell are we doing to our kids? I think three mothers is more than enough.
Anyway, it felt good to help them. I gave them some microwave-able food and some apples. I get now why this little girl shows up at the door every time my car pulls into the drive. I think her mom is in OK. Or, the "mom" in NY is a little difficult. I know they aren't allowed to play with chalk outside for fear it will get on dad's tires.
Counting my blessings. Loving my daughter. Relieved she isn't living with her father. Or having to deal with his addicted lifestyle.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
That was such a sad incident last evening, however, I'm glad you were able to help them out. I imagine the kids were scared and hungry. I realize the woman was in labor, but the father should have had some plans in place, i.e., someone to watch the children and ensure that they were fed. So sad.
Maybe when things settle down, you could go over and introduce yourself and have the little girl visit w/your daughter. It would expand her circle of neighbors who could possibly become friends.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The Forester and I decided this week that it was too hard to continue communicate long distance. We both would have these stressful days and want to connect at the end and...well, he's in Ohio and I'm here. I actually tried to stop communicating for a bit and he reached out to me. Started it all up again. After one particularly hard day, we were teasing back and forth and, for my part, just longed to have someone to fall into at the end. He was the first to say, "I kinda hate this."
So...I just need to find another...not now...but, sometime...another young, virale, nice man who is passionate about farming and has a great sense of humor and reads Thoreau. That should be easy, right?
It sorta set off a wave of grief. But...the wave of grief...(not angry in the least with him)...but, can't help, with my history, to feel some rejection...even though it was actually sorta flattering. He hated he couldn't be with me...That's nice.
I find myself crying for no reason. A lot of it is just stress. But, I do feel a loss. He's a pretty interesting, special guy.
But, I've had these dreams...I had one last night where I screamed and raged at my mother. Just raged bloody murder. All the anger I've been feeling daily...at all of it...I felt it in this dream. I woke up with some clarity about where it comes from...People choosing NOT to be there for me. Often, choosing to be somewhere that seems more fun, with someone else...Me left holding the responsibilities and figuring I will be treated fairly for all I invest in others...But, ending up with no one to count on, just me.
Now, I know this is because of a belief system which I can alter, with some work. But, I'm not sure I ever felt the anger portion.
Spent a lifetime feeling tons of depression and sadness...Remember all the Woe is Me days on these boards???
Well, now, Heather is finally feeling the anger. And, it is all-consuming. Especially without any AD's. Taking some St. John's Wort, Vit. D...drinking Chamomile Tea.
But, this is built-up anger from decades past.
Spoke to my mother this week. She did her thing again..."So, how's the paper? How's the divorce? How's D12?" Never any offer, at least one with follow-thru to help...It may be best for me to just avoid her for now.
I received the itemized bill from the atty again...he clearly is holding my W2 hostage and refusing to show me the divorce settlement proposal until I pay. I've had some other feedback on this and that's not ok. Feeling less badly about calling him "The world's suckiest atty." --seriously...$11k??? For what?
Anyway...I told him I would be happy to arrange a payment plan and he could take automatic payments...but, I'm not putting us in any financial hardship to pay this man back. I think 15 years of poverty is enough. Even if I pay $25 for the next 50 years...that's what I'll do. Wow. I feel the anger as I write this.
I will call to make another counseling appt. tomorrow.
-Angry that I'm paying $11K for an attorney who really only got me close to what the judge woulda given without any legal representation...I'm angry with how unfair this all is. And, I know there are women who have gotten much, much worse...but, that doesn't make it ok. I think until I DO something about this...even if it's write an article about how to handle a situation similar to mine when the other party lashes back and costs legal fees..IDK...pisses me off so much...
I think it all comes back to the abandonment. Over and over, trusting people who don't have my back and take advantage. And, leave me to handle the mess. Yep. I think that's it.
D20 did it too. Promised to help for one year. Bailed. I'm proud of her though. She has been offered a promotion to supervisor at one of her jobs.
And, this is from childhood. I have some deep trenching to do on this subject. I'm not sure I'm able to ever choose someone who will NOT do this.
Need to redefine my beliefs, attract a better bunch of peeps. Maybe work harder at trusting and supporting myself to handle more?? Was thinking how different I am than I was even 6 months ago.
When I speak to Smokey...he seems so childish and almost silly in his adolescence.
Ok. Blessings.
The little girl is over now playing with D12. She is a bit of a nuisance, but D12 can handle her for a couple of hours. She showed up last night after a long day and we had just gotten home. She told D12 that her parents told her to find somewhere to spend the night because they wanted to be alone.
I asked the little girl to clarify the home situation. She said that the woman she calls "Mom" is really her father's pregnant girlfriend. I asked the little girl where her mother lives and she said OK. I said, "That must be hard. You are very brave."
She said, "Nope. My mom doesn't really talk to us. It's no big deal." And, I get the impression, this little girl of 10 has written off her mother...sorta how my girls have just shut down their father. He's gone.
Again, what are we doing to our kids?? And, what sorta of backlash will all of this have on society when these kids grow up?
Anyway...
Had an interview with a man who has ALS yesterday. He and his wife have been married 42 years. They are facing...??? While his situation is better than most with ALS, he has lost his ability to walk and nearly can't use his arms...all in the past 2 years. He reminded me of Matt in his love of the outdoors and desire to be outside and sorta soft/sensitive insides...before the drugs and denial. The couple met in high school. Heavy stuff. Made me look at my situation a bit differently. Paying $11k for a divorce doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world.
Still...grappling with the anger. Such anger. And, I need to see someone regularly to deal with it. How to pay for it?? I don't know. I've been working on a budget this week...
Met with the company that manages this property. The one woman went through a difficult divorce. She's from NYC and very blunt, awesome and doesn't hold back. She didn't offer to lower the rent...which continues to frustrate me. I've still been looking for something more affordable and I'm seeing many places with more to offer and less rent...I'm paying $1250 + I pay all utilities and have to handle plowing and the lawn.
And, yes, I'm putting an ad on Craigslist today.
The rental management company ladies gave me all sorts of suggestions from asking the state for help in rent to suggestions about my divorce situation/tax situation. The woman there suggested I go ahead and file. I can use a copy of the W2. She also suggested I make it clear to Matt, AGAIN, to send me directly the divorce settl. proposal... Bottom Line: The rental company was supportive. And, that was nice.
A woman in the town I cover offered us a really disgusting store front for a rental. She would pay all utilities and give us a low rent. I'm not sure I'm able to take this favor...for one thing, there's no bedrooms and it smells. It's next door to my office and she agreed to allow us to do whatever to it to make it live-able...IDK. It kinda looks like a fire trap. There's no oven either. I'm handy and all...but...Man, the low rent would be so cool though and D12 would be right next door. ??
VERY nice to have someone make the offer. Again, didn't feel so alone.
The ALS man and his wife. IDK. When you go through this level of crud in life, I find I'm able to connect with others who have similar sucky experiences?? Make sense. I'm learning that I don't really like connecting with people who haven't been through something...HONESTLY...That's the key. My niece recently tried to kill herself, but when I talk to my sister...she's all..."It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine." But, I know they aren't fine. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. I like people who face life's troubles honestly.
I feel blessed that I understood poverty and could offer some support to this man and his wife. I feel blessed that I made some friends.
Found a tutor in the town where I work for D12. She is a special needs teacher at the local school. She is adorable, young and perfect for D12. AND...she gets Asperger's and already knows some kid D12's age to hook her up with :-) Blessing!!
I had a house fire to cover for the newspaper. I also had a Lions meeting I was invited to attend. It was the same day, afternoon actually, that the Forester and I decided to stop whatever it was we had. I was low and moving slow. I was late to the Lions. Had NO idea they planned to have me their guest of honor. :-)
They waited for me. They treated me like a celebrity and invited me to join.
People really like me there. Blessing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It has a shower stall in the like the middle of the joint with a curtain for a door. Hmmm...Still, I'd literally be right next door to my office. We'd be on the first floor. It's kinda an old ratty building, but in case of fire, the fire department is about a half-block away.
I bet she'd only charge me $400 to $600 per month with heat/electric included.
I'd be next door. How do I live in a storefront though?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
