Hey Closer, I feel like I've been there, first the regret that she got caught, then the regret that she let herself down, but nothing further.
I would definitely tread lightly with this - much caution. Sometimes it just seems self-serving for them.
Hey Closer,
Reading your posts today, I can see why you feel so confused. As u-turn put it tread lightly. Somehow you have to try to find a balance between that and keeping that road home paved smoothly.
I like the fact that you were not reacting, taking time to think things through!
Good for you.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey Closer, I feel like I've been there, first the regret that she got caught, then the regret that she let herself down, but nothing further.
I would definitely tread lightly with this - much caution. Sometimes it just seems self-serving for them.
You're right U-turn. It's just self-serving.
Last night, she asked me if she could get the wifi password and I hesitated. She instantly said she didn't want it if I was going to have a problem with it. She then asked me again what I needed to trust her. I was honest. I told her that I can't trust her as long as long as she is having an A, she is divorcing me, and she is removing me from the daily lives of my children.
She became upset and stated again that she feels terrible, broken, ashamed. All her lying and deceit finally caught up her with last weekend causing her to have a breakdown. She has noticed how much I have changed and sees that the changes are real. She feels awful that she kept lying to me while I have been working so hard and she doesn't want to do it anymore. OM has agreed to NC while she....
The "OM has agreed to NC while..." just made everything she said b.s. in my mind. I was at a loss for words.
Maybe I shouldn't have told her what I needed to trust her. I was nervous about that, but it kind flew out of my mouth. She's doing everything she can to make me happy, but I know she's just manipulating me in order to avoid confrontation.
The kids are happy to have her home. I'm happy that she keeps telling me she is going to work on the house. I'm not happy it's hard as hell to detach with her at home.
Take it slow. This is a business deal. We're selling a house. We're co-parents.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
It's so calm around here it's unnerving. W has been respectful and seems to be serious about the temp NC she has self imposed. She has been much more affectionate, which I don't mind. I worry about cake eating. I do like cake though.
I'm feeling much better because she seems to have at least poked her head out of the fog. At least she understands that she has responsibilities with the house and kids.
She made dinner reservations for us this weekend. I suggested maybe another time, we have too much work to do. She asked me why I wanted to cancel and to be honest. I told her I felt like it was a "date night" and didn't feel up for something like that right now. She got a bit upset that I didn't feel like going on a date with her. I'm really trying to be more honest and direct. I don't know if that was the best response though. Still, I would rather pay the price and deal with any repercussions from honesty then to let my resentment build.
It's almost our 10 yr anniversary. I have plans to go out of town that weekend to see a friend. Haven't said anything to W about it because it hadn't come up. I don't think I should unless there's a reason. Could not saying something be considered passive aggressive? Could it be seen as a chance for he to get with OM?
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
You are definitely in a tough spot. On one hand, you may be correct. She may just be cake eating. On the other, she may really be second guessing herself. If she is cake eating, then declining her offer to have a dinner 'date' was the right move. On the other, if she was really having second thoughts, it could have been a chance to have a nice friendly evening together.
From my experience, you probably did the right thing. Months after my W and I separated (we were living in separate towns) we had a few date nights. These nights things seemed like we were back to our best of times together. But even though these nights were really nice, and 'felt' good, the truth remained there was a lot of distance between where we used to be and where we were then. Those nights may have served as a reminder to her, and me, of how things used to be. But until the underlying issues in our M were addressed, they were really nothing more than a brief emotional timeout.
I hope some others with experience chime in soon with their thoughts for you.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
She's become more much more distant since the "meltdown" at the end of last week. I have been focusing on being upbeat and having good PMA. I know it's mind reading, but I feel like she thinks I'm okay with everything. Like I'm a doormat.
She keeps asking me what she needs to do for me to trust her again. I lied and told her that her actions will build trust. I feel like a liar because I don't know how to answer the question. I want to answer her question with a question. Why? Why do you need me to trust you?
She has lied about having sex with OM. Lied about seeing him almost every weekend since dday. However, she has been very honest about not loving me and wanting to divorce me.
I don't want to give up, but I think I should start respecting what she has been honest about. I haven't been GAL like I need to. I haven't been DBing enough the past week and need to refocus.
The decree may be finalized next week. Once it is, I'm moving out.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
She has lied about having sex with OM. Lied about seeing him almost every weekend since dday. However, she has been very honest about not loving me and wanting to divorce me.
I don't want to give up, but I think I should start respecting what she has been honest about. I haven't been GAL like I need to. I haven't been DBing enough the past week and need to refocus.
If she is lying about everything else, how do you know she is being honest about the above?
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I can understand your hesitation about things, so go at the pace your comfortable with. If shes serious about wanting you back she will do what it takes to make it work. I also don't see a problem answering her question about the trust with what you said, you honestly don't know right now. Maybes its time that you need and to see her consistent actions that will do it, maybe not.
That 10 year anniversary is rough, I had to experience it earlier this month but not in the situation your in now so I can emphasize with you on that. Keep being awesome.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You shouldn't project that you're ok with her wayward behaviour. You should project that you'll be fine without her and that you have a lot thinking to do regarding her actions. Keep her guessing.
It's ok to respond to her with a question: Why do you want me to trust you? Why do you feel you have to lie to her? Do you think it's the DB way?
Keep your GAL and DB at maximum level. This appears to be a crucial time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Fogg - That's a good point. She does not want me back. She has been clear about that. I keep DBing and trying to be focused on saving the M. Why? If she asks me what she can do to earn my trust, I will ask why.
Mozza - I'm not doing a good job projecting that I'll be okay without her. She's not guessing. I know that I'm trying to friend her back into the M. It's not working. I felt that I had to tell her something. It was a NG move from me. I didn't want to rock the boat by being honest.
My coach instructed me to focus on 180s that showed her we do have a connection and I was not as detached from our relationship as she thought I was. He even commented that it was a bit different LRT. It was very successful in the beginning. We really did start to reconnect. Her connection to the OM is still too strong and her focus is with him now.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Readjusting my 180s. I think I lost focus after discovering the text messages and then her breakdown.
I feel like I had major backslide for almost an entire week. Due to her telling me that her focus was being at home and the kids. I saw that as a chance to get her back. I tried to show her how great it is at home. I should have continued to focus on my life without her.
I did not slowly and quietly approach the squirrel. I ran at it throwing nuts screaming "EAT SQUIRREL, NUTS ARE GOOD. LOVE ME SQUIRREL!!!"
Maybe not that dramatic. I freaked out the squirrel though.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
