It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[Zues126]

Thanks Toots. Very much in line with NMMNG as well.

I'm feeling more and more comfortable with who I am. Still struggling with how a future partner will be able to accept me.

When I play pool sometimes I can't even picture making the shot I need to shoot. If I can't make it in my head there's no way I'll make it in real life. Funny how you know you can't win even before you shoot the shot.

Same with M. Right now I can't picture a woman staying with me. It seems inevitable she will feel like she's settling, she's giving up her identity, she can't be happy as long as she's with me, and that she'd rather be free to have happiness in her future than to be stuck with me. All I can picture is her resentment and spew, her disrespect and contempt.

Clearly I still have a ways to go. But the biggest two things I'm looking for in my next woman would be commitment, and someone that can be accountable and manage through their resentment.

So for any women that feel they don't have much to offer, if you stood by your M through a bad marriage and you're not walking around with poisonous amounts of resentment towards your ex...you are quite the catch in my book. Not that you get there overnight...nothing wrong with going through the stages of grieving, as long as you just visit anger and don't live there forever.

[koalada]

The last 2 days I have started with my next 180 "make necessary decisions and behave as a father and head of the family".
Usually I would have negotiateed with W about who will talk to neighbours, who makes the phone call and so on. I would have been insecure and unreliable. This time I just took charge of the tasks and I guess she has noticed.

D14 is in deep emotional trouble. She is afraid of school, spends way to much time on the internet and had her "coming out" (with 14!?). She is all messed up inside. She is seeing a therapist since a few weeks and tomorrow there will be a parent-therapist meeting. She has always behaved older as she is, this is nothing new to us. But this time we are thinking about a stricter approach to take her out of this "I am an adult and the life of an adult is exhausting and I can not deal with it"-thinking. I have told W to wait for the meeting tomorrow and to make a decision in the next days, without procrastination. We will let her know, that there will be more boundaries and parents she can rely on, although she might not like it.

The last years, this family and M has been like a ship with a depressed and weak captain. It was difficult to rely on me and so W became desperate and saw the ship floating around without any clear direction. This needs to change and I am working on it.

[koalada]

Wow, that was awkward. We have just been to the meeting with the therapist of D14. She also asked about the marriage situation. At this point W discovered, that I am not going to move out asap. Her face went through different expressions: sadness, disappointment, anger and resignation. We have not spoken about it afterwards. But I guess she is shocked. Have you got any idea, how I could deal with this situation?
I have clarity over the fact, that I do not want the D at this moment. And I know, that I do not want to help her with the D. But it felt sad, that she has obviously totally different ideas about the future.
But I want to remain cool in this situation. So how should I communicate with her? No R talk? What about small talk? When we speak it is usually a bit awkward, because of the elephant in the room. What would you prefer? Silence or small talk? It is hard to sit beside her in the car, without talking to much.

I really need some thoughts from you about this.

[Cadet]

So how should I communicate with her?
No R talk?
What about small talk?
When we speak it is usually a bit awkward, because of the elephant in the room.
What would you prefer?
Silence or small talk?
It is hard to sit beside her in the car, without talking to much.

I really need some thoughts from you about this.

Does she talk to you?
How do you know that she is upset?

Personally I think you speak with actions and not words.

There are NO words that are going to FIX her or make her
feel better.
If she wants to move out then that is her choice.

[koalada]

Does she talk to you?
Yes. She tries polite conversations. She is not nagging or anything. Just normal stuff.

How do you know that she is upset?
That is me mind-reading. Funnily enough I just gave someone else the advice not to pretend to be a mind-reader. There you have me...

Personally I think you speak with actions and not words.

There are NO words that are going to FIX her or make her
feel better.
If she wants to move out then that is her choice. [/quote]

So I just continue my 180, GAL and detachment, the 37 rules and do not interpret anything at all? Stay true to my goals and let her d if she wants to? Well, as I have said...to give advice is one thing. To use it on your own life is quiet another pair of shoes.

[Cadet]

Does she talk to you?

Yes. She tries polite conversations. She is not nagging or anything. Just normal stuff.

I personally would mirror this kind of talk.
Don't go completely dark until she has filed for divorce or is actively involved with someone else.

Let her initiate the conversations and then speak with as few words as possible(more with your actions) but mirror her.
Unless she is acting in some way that is not agreeable, then just walk away to another room.

[koalada]

I stick to my 180's. It is not always easy, but I am working on it. I have stopped procrastination and giving vague answers. I am behaving more like a captain, without pursuing W or ignoring her boundaries. And validation, validation and validation. I am working on the point "detachment", because this is one of my greatest problems.

No separation agreement, "clear-rules"-talk nor any threats nor ultimatum from W. yet. She is still polite-distant and none of us talks about their emotions or anything related to M.

I will focus on my changes and work on them.

[koalada]

Today W started a talk about the M. She told me again, that she wants the D. I told her politely, that this is not in my interests. This family and the 20 yrs together are important to me and that I am not at a point, where I would throw all this away. She said, that it would be a "good example" for the kids, to show them, that you can always start something new and you don not have to stay in a "terrible" situation. The kids would suffer, because of the atmosphere at home...but I know, that they do not.

Then she said, that she does not love me...and I told her, that love can develop out of respect and shared life experiences. Then she said it would not be the only point. She would be "afraid" of living together with me, because I would be unpredictable. When I asked her about a specific situation, she could not name one, but said, that she would not have to justify herself. And this is odd. If she had specific points, she would have mentioned them, to reinforce her decision. Btw., she values me as a person...but bla bla bla.

She will probably consult a lawyer, to get an idea, what to do next.

This conversation made me sad and confused.

Any ideas from your side?

[koalada]

My guts tell me, that an OM is somewhere and that she is looking for reasons to justify the D. Should I think about this sitch more or should I be less conversational the next time? Tough love? Any concrete ideas for upcoming conversations? Should I care about my guts? That I think she is not honest to me and just wants me to help her to end this M without a lot of trouble?

Am I too dumb to understand her POV? If she is not honest to me, I have no desire to talk to her again.

[koalada]

Has anyone an idea? My main question is: How to communicate, when W is always polite and friendly, but still clear with her approach? Is the rule still valid: Don't belive anything she says and only 50% of what you hear."? She seems to be so final with her decision.