Not dumb anymore (3)

[Burger]

In a tough spot this morning. Very sad last night. For GAL I went to a friends for a cook out. Really good time, but I couldn't help thinking how much my WW would have enjoyed their company as well.

I've been reading this morning and found this phrase:

"What if it was a gift?"

After thinking about it for a while it has helped cheer me up a little. It comes back to what Cadet puts in every welcome post:

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

What if my WW having these EAs, and then me having her leave the house was a gift?

• It has set me on a path to a healthier me.
• It has set me on a path to better manage my depression.
• It has set me on a path to have a better relationship with my children.
• It has set me on a path to learn how to be happy with myself.
• It has set me on a path to learn how to manage my anxiety and self esteem.
• It has set me on the path to have a much more active life than before.
• It has set me on the path to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in quite a while.
• It has set on the path to becoming a better husband (maybe?) or boyfriend for whoever is next.

It has set me on a path to learn and become a better person.

[Zues126]

Got not much to add other than I'm glad to see your posts.

Have things been basically the same the last few days?

I'm glad you're GAL. I know it's sad at times, but it's critical you do things that make you feel like you.

[Burger]

Hi Zues,

Not much to update here.

I usually see the WW once a week to give her any mail that has come for her, or anything she needs from the house. I really look forward to seeing her each week.

I have not heard from her this week though, which makes me a bit sad. But maybe she just needs the space from me. She has said the visits are hard on her, she always cries when it's time to leave. I remain strong and don't cry in front of her, but once she has left I usually do.

Sometimes you just need a good cry.

[Zues126]

When she stops by does she come in to the house at all, or just meets you at the door?

This may be stupid and against DB, not sure- vets, can you chime in?

Would it be a bad idea to move things around inside the house, repaint, or do something else to make it "your space"?

I just think that if you keep the place exactly how you left it, that symbolizes that everything will be preserved awaiting her return if she has a change of heart.

On the other hand if you take this opportunity to say "ok, you're not here anymore...I guess if it's up to me I'll set things up how I like then" and start turning the place into a man lair, that might be a little more of a reality check that you're not waiting for her forever. She might feel "hey, that's my place!" In my case since I moved out my DB Coach advised me to get an apartment right away so it didn't appear I was "pressed up to the window looking in and hoping to be invited back".

This would be particularly true if you WERE moving on. And changing things up in the house might actually HELP you to feel differently. You know, a fresh start.

What will you do with the freedom you now have? If you knew your WAW was never returning, what changes would you make around the house?

[Burger]

She comes inside the house, sometimes I meet her somewhere else.

I have started re-decorating some of the house. I've put up a lot of the art that I like, and re-arranging some of the furniture too. Making it more my space.

If she ever comes back I will have lots of re-decorating to do, but for now this is becoming my place.

I do still have the pictures of us around though. I'm not ready to remove those yet.

[Burger]

Feels like I took a step backwards yesterday. *sigh*

When WW came by she didn’t seem that interested in being there, was in quick and gathered her stuff up and then ready to leave. I felt desperate to talk with her a little, so I asked a few questions about her therapy, she seems to be doing ok. She also stated that “it wasn’t making these visits any easier,” and started crying. I then told her I look forward to seeing her each week and wished it was more than once a week, and then I hugged her, instead of waiting for her to come to me.

Looking back I saw her begin to withdraw from me a bit and I panicked. I was in pursuit mode.

I think my expectations were too high after the last couple visits went so well. Apparently my detachment is going horribly.

[Burger]

Just want to journal a little, get some random thoughts out there.

It appears that the WW has become a teenager again, all her emails or text messages are filled abbreviations. Things like k for OK, u for you, ty for thank-you, r for are. Punctuation is also optional. It must be a byproduct of all the online flirting with younger men.

While reading the Toots thread I discovered the Daring Greatly book by Brene Brown. Her Ted talks were excellent, I would recommend them to everyone. I Kindled (I think that's a word now!) the book and plan to start it soon.

I'm going to start doing more volunteer work. With everything going on in my personal life I need something to make me feel good. I have a few ideas. A friend has an event coming up to package items to send to an island in the Caribbean. I will volunteer a weekend to help his group. I'm also hoping to go on a mission trip in the fall to spend a week there helping the local communities where the packages end up. I've also contact the local Habitat for Humanity office to see what I can help with.

[Sotto]

Hi Burger, I'm glad you found the Brene Brown stuff useful....Underdog originally recommended her, and I'm very grateful.

Good for you with the volunteering options. I love the volunteering I do in the charity bookstore and have met some lovely people..

Let us know how it goes. Funny with your W's texting. It may say a lot about her state of mind atm..

[Dawn70]

Just popping in to say hi and catch up, Burger. Unfortunately, I don't have any sage advice to offer, but I am here, reading and sending support your way.

[Burger]

Thanks Dawn and Toots. I appreciate the comments.

Question for group:

I've been feeling very disappointed the last couple of days with my WW's behavior over the last few months, more so than usual. It's getting close to that time of the week when she starts asking to pop in for a bit. I'm thinking of telling her to skip coming by this week. I really don't want to see her right now.

Should I tell her I'm busy? Should I tell her I just need some space and don't want to see her? Or should I suck it up and act 'as if' everything is great with me? The last option gives her some visibility into the "everything is cool here and I'm moving on. Look at all my good changes" mentality.

Thanks for your thoughts.