Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[NoleGrl]

RealMe, thank you for asking. Yes, I am eating right (for the most part) and keeping up with my exercise. I go to the gym five days a week. H and I used to do triathlons together, but I got burned out. Within the last four months I have been back training and did a sprint a few weeks ago.

TenBook, is this a trick question? Just kidding. Well....right now not much. But, I would like to think that this person he is now is not the "real" H and he is acting this way because he is hurting, in the fog, being a WAS....and the "real" H is the person I fell in love with and married. Who knows if that is true or not. The person I married was kind and loving and made me a priority in his life. Even though we are complete opposites, we complemented each other. I liked the fact that he could walk into a room of strangers and talk to anyone. He made me laugh. He was patient with me, even when I pushed his buttons.

[Di-mond]

Nole,

I am in the same boat as you. I have no children with my H. Once he moves his stuff out there is really no reason for us to stay in contact.
Right now, him and I are on somewhat friendly terms and are communicating regularly. Last week....not so much. Things can change in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes I wonder if completely detaching would not be easier for me.
I hold out hope, but don't want to be hurt again.
Tough situation to be in. However...as wise Cadet has said in many posts:
We have been given the gift of time. This time is for us to work on ourselves and to find our own happiness without our husbands.

[JellyB]

Just wanted to say hi, and let you know there are others here without children. And yes the NC is scary, but out of my control.

there are lots of similarities between your H and my ex. And I also had issues with not feeling like a priority and then losing the plot. I too am an introvert and like my alone time. But when I want company with my man I want it in my way on my terms. I realise now I did a fair bit of 3 year old tantrum throwing to get my way! Lol look folks no hands JB, is learning! Lol ( sorry just had to take proverbial out of myself)

Hang in there NG! The emotions come like waves, you just need to let wash over you, try now to thrash about, and note if you see rip try to avoid it, just saying. Lol

I just wanted to say too, from how you talk about yourself and your life and your interests, you sound dynamic, focussed and a major catch! Have you forgotten how fabulous you are ? Just curious....


Hugs to you NG.

[NoleGrl]

Diana, I know what you mean by things changing in a blink of an eye. Just a few weeks ago, H was questioning me about a shirt he found at the house, why I took the pictures of us down, reaching out to see how my day was, asking me to meet him for lunch and giving me hugs to NC for days at a time, only now contacting me to talk about splitting our assets...

JB, Emotions are like waves for sure. Yesterday I felt good, but this morning I woke up super emotional and feel like I am going to cry at the drop of a hat. I can definitely relate to acting like a 3 year old to get my way though.

It's so hard to remember how fabulous we are when our WAS' are saying how horrible we are and that they can't stand to be married to us. I guess that is what GALing is for, to get back out there and find the person we were before this.

[NoleGrl]

So H texted me again this morning asking me to email him my proposal and to move forward with getting the house appraised. I have not responded yet.

The last time we met to talk "finances" it turned into a R talk and he was cold and mean and said he didn't love me and want to be married to be anymore and I backslid all the way to 0 and cried and pleaded. So, I think he knows that this is not what I want. But on other occassions he has said this is what I wanted.

So, my plan was to respond "ok" and then say that I do not want to get a divorce, but if that is what he wants I will not stop him. I wanted to make sure it is clear, but sometimes I don't always make the right decisions. Thoughts?

[MrBond]

Why is he expecting you to get the house appraised and do all the work?

[NoleGrl]

You know MrBond, that is a really good question.

[Zues126]

Zues,

Can you please explain how you've arrived at this conclusion?

*********The biggest threat to the LBS's growth is the WAS's behavior.**********

To me, no one can ever threaten your own growth unless you permit the behavior to interfere with it. If someone wants to act "as stupid as stupid gets", that's on them...not you. I fail to see how the WAS' behavior is the "biggest threat" to a DBer's growth.

I've witnessed amazing growth among many DBers here despite and in spite of their WASes ornery behaviors and choices.

Again, how does a WAS' behavior threaten one's personal growth??

Wonka- Absolutely a LBS can grow regardless of what WAS does. The threat I referred to was when a WAS is acting really destructively, it makes it all too easy to focus on their behavior. Getting caught up in their drama, thinking that "they're the ones with the issues", or "I only acted how I did because they were crazy, now I have proof, look at them".

That's the threat. It was a warning to "stay in your own sandbox" as 25years says. I know I had that problem when my WAW did...doesn't matter, a/b/c craziness. Doesn't change the fact that I have my own ship to run.

Thanks for asking, I hope no one misinterpreted that.

[Zues126]

It's so hard to remember how fabulous we are when our WAS' are saying how horrible we are and that they can't stand to be married to us. I guess that is what GALing is for, to get back out there and find the person we were before this.

THIS. Absolutely.

That is why I am not interested in dating. No- I shouldn't say I'm not interested. I am sorely interested in the idea of having bright attractive women spending time with me and helping me "prove to myself" that I am a catch.

But the problem is that if I don't believe that on my own, without validation from someone else, there will be problems. Maybe that would lead to me trying to control her behavior to make her love me so I feel good about myself, even if I was abusive in the process. Or maybe that would just lead to me always feeling insecure, and only covering it up with medication from superficial interactions with other broken spirits desperately clinging to each other to drown out our loneliness.

Point is, you're right. It IS very, very hard. Maybe especially for me, a guy that has battled feeling insufficient all of my life. There have been times I am nearly overpowered to find someone to love me. I just want to see if I can transcend that with growth and time. I like the idea of being able to choose to be in a relationship because you want it, not because you need it.

And Mozza- to be fair, it's possible that my commitment to M stems from my desperate need to not face being responsible for my own emotional care. That I consider breaking the vows to be abandonment of the worst kind, because in some ways it felt worse than death. I admit that and am working on it. So that's one reason I believe in commitment and cling to a M.

****OK, after all the rambling, here is my mission statement:

I'd like to be ok on my own not so I can walk away from an M when it doesn't go the exact way I want, but so I can be strong enough to allow a healthy M to grow (for better), and strong enough to care for myself and remain committed and mature when I go through periods where my needs aren't being met and I'm not being validated by my partner (and for worse).

[JellyB]

Here here Zues! That mission is so worth achieving. I wish I was half as eloquent as you!