I hucked a waterfall.

[Mozza]

Even I, as an opponent of pursuing, think it's ok to send her the video if she asked for it. Just make it short and simple.

Try not to think of whether or tone is "odd" of anything like it. It's mindreading and wrong 95% of the time, from what I read in the success stories.

[mahhhty]

Lost... Of course I would. You are right.

Mozza... You are right about odd. I thought about that later. It comes down to trying to understand her perspective and bc I don't have it speculating what it may be... Which is the definition of mind reading.

[mahhhty]

Food for thought...
I watched the secret last night with my Mom. Aka two time cancer survivor. It was amazing to me how she related to the movie. She actually broke down a couple times bc it rang true to her.

Thoughts are things. Act as if. Visualize. Have specific goals. Man is what he thinks about.... All of these concepts and more are in the movie.

I've read three business books either how to's or motivational and all talked about the same principles.

"If you think you can or you can't... You are right." - Henry Ford

[mahhhty]

Had a great run with the munchkins. X was traveling, so I had them Wed through this AM. Over the weekend we saw the baby chicks, went to our neighbors birthday party, went to the playground, and worked/played outside. All and all a great weekend!

I also started a new book, which is fantastic. I'm having some trouble getting back into the grind, so I need to focus on that. I will check in further tonight. Good luck with Monday Everyone!

[Mozza]

I watched the secret last night with my Mom. Aka two time cancer survivor. It was amazing to me how she related to the movie. She actually broke down a couple times bc it rang true to her.

How did you react or how did it make you feel to see her like this? One of my big changes since BD is empathy for this kind of reaction. Before, I would feel surprise at seeing someone so moved, but now I understand much better the internal process, as I've broken down (always alone) real bad in front of the TV, for the slightest trigger. I realize better that people who are crying often live something intense.

Thoughts are things.

What is this?

I'm glad you had a good weekend with the kids. Increasingly, I'm a big believer that moving on, detaching is not only about keeping busy, but building a life that we love. Heck, I so look forward to my plans that I wouldn't want WW to come back immediately, even if I still would like to R!

[mahhhty]

Hey Mozza...
Thanks for checking in. Here are my responses...

How did you react or how did it make you feel to see her like this?
I paused it and we talked a little about it. She identified that many of the principles or concepts are items she implemented during the cancer fighting process. As I can't comprehend what she went through, it has always been hard for me to talk to her about cancer.

What is this?
Thoughts are things. Man becomes what he thinks about. "The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michelangelo.

I have read some business books to support my start ups. The best ones are Think and Grow Rich by N. Hill, and The Fundamentals of Success by J. Canfield. It is absolutely astounding how some of the principles of DB are in business books. It is even more astounding how successful people frame their thoughts. They have a very clear picture of what they want, and make those things a priority.

[lost18]

Hi Mahhhty,

I hope you see as much growth in yourself as I see in you. I love that you are able to change relationships (for the better) with other people in your life.

I am making a note of the business books you have read, I would really like to start my own business and need to start taking action instead of thinking about it.

Lost

[mahhhty]

Lost... That means a lot. Thank you. I do feel myself moving forward. I do feel like divorce pushed me to change my entire life, either accept it or fight it. By accepting it and learning, I feel that my future is brighter now than it was at the end of my marriage.

Be Warned... Another Journal Entry with a question at the end...
I paddled last night and am shaping up to paddle again tonight. I can't say enough that I love paddling. I love living in the moment, and searching for flow moments.

Yesterday before I went paddling, I had an IC appointment. We had a good conversation about my recent activities, about this board, about the impending coffee meeting, about my reactions and controlling behavior, and about detaching.

My IC was never one that tried to understand the DB principles, he maintained that I should always be moving towards a detached state, as I can't control her, shouldn't try, and should leave her to her own devices and life as long as it doesn't impact the children.... Which coincides with MWD principles.

However, we then started to discuss detaching. I view detaching as a Catch 22 (and Mozza mentions this a little on his previous comments), the more I detach the more I come to realize that my life is mine. The more I do things that make me happy. The more I feel my connection (on any level) to my X deteriorate (As I rarely speak to her, it is practically non-existent). The more I do things I like, the more I fill up my time and live my life, the more the connection disappears, the more I think about her less, the more I detach and around and around.

So here is the question, for those who have reconciled by detachment, or have read about others reconciling by detachment can you explain those stories or point me in the right direction? I have read most of Mozza's links, but I am interested in reading more.

[Mozza]

So here is the question, for those who have reconciled by detachment, or have read about others reconciling by detachment can you explain those stories or point me in the right direction? I have read most of Mozza's links, but I am interested in reading more.

From my reading of the success stories, the reason that detachment lead to reconciliation is based on the Dance of Pursuit and Distance. As long as your ex knows that you're trying to win her back, she'll keep her distance. But when she sees you slipping away, she's afraid of losing you for real and she becomes the pursuer. It's something that you might fake early on, but over time you need to truly detach, to truly not really care what they do or think, for them to feel it. Vets talk about it and it's happening right now on these boards if you follow NH115 and even TenBook to an extent.

Honestly, I don't even know how it works in my own sitch. I've been distant and limiting contact with WW since September, never pursuing and cutting all non-kid contact since early February and nothing's changed. I tell myself that these things take time and I try to use the gift of time. This is also important: GALing leads to detaching. My take is that your GAL should thrill you, not just keep you busy. What if I told you that you have a good six to nine months before any of these things have an effect on WAW (if ever)? How would you spend these months, freed from the hope that something could happen in the meantime?

You might also want to have a look at the first three chapters of Models by Mark Mason where he explains attraction, neediness (repulsive to women) and vulnerability (attractive). It's quite an eye opener on what you need to do to attract anyone, including WAW.

Hope this helps.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

So here is the question, for those who have reconciled by detachment, or have read about others reconciling by detachment can you explain those stories or point me in the right direction? I have read most of Mozza's links, but I am interested in reading more.

In most situations, the biggest reason "detachment" works for reconciliation is that most WAW situations involve an affair. Affairs rarely endure and most end within 2 years. Once they end, the wayward spouse often has an awakening (or repents) and seeks out the betrayed spouse. Because the betrayed spouse has "detached" he or she remains willing to CONSIDER reconciliation whereas the betrayed spouse that doesn't detach completely frustrates themselves and much sooner than later ends up HATING their wayward spouse and never wanting anything to do with them ever again.

Essentially. Most couples reconcile given time. Detachment buys more time.

Simple love tank mathematics.

In the meantime, if you are never going to reconcile anyway, might as well get the detachment process started now. So detachment is a win-win as long as you don't mess it up falling in love with someone else and THEN your X decides she wants to reconcile but you are divorced. She'd just be another single woman for you to consider or not.

In your situation I don't buy the persuer distancer concept and line of thinking that by detaching your wife is more likely to pursue you. She's got her own agenda. She was never a cake eater. You leaving her alone appears to be exactly what she wants. Might as well jump in a briar patch before thinking that she's going to wake up simply because you detached. That's not to say you can't attract her back by being a great new you (who happens to be detached and not needy or clingy) but that's not reflective of her pursuing because you left her alone and took away her ego kibbles. She seems to need you for nothing...not even collaborative parenting.

Speaking of collaborative parenting. Have you ever read about parallel parenting plans? Might help you detach better instead of pursuing her to collaborative parent when she's not seeming to really want to. Something to consider.