WAW-- LRT in action

[Cadet]

Please stick to one thread until 100 posts.

Threads merged.

[pilot]

Agree with MrBond on that. You are going to have to accept that your W may NEVER want to admit or discuss an A if she is having one. Even if you never find out and she says she wants to work on the M. Be patient. These things usually have a way of coming out. Work on yourself in the meantime. Try not to focus on her and any affair. The worse thing you can do is let your mind wander and create things based on things you are not positive about.

[SadDood]

Okay, first off you're going to have to learn that you can't FORCE or TRICK someone into admitting something they don't want to admit.

You are going to have to get rid of that notion right off the bat. You can't control the actions of another. Have you read DB or DR?

I've read it several times, but a lot of the concepts are just not sticking. Maybe that was a problem in my M. I just want to control everything and I can only control myself.

[SadDood]

Agree with MrBond on that. You are going to have to accept that your W may NEVER want to admit or discuss an A if she is having one. Even if you never find out and she says she wants to work on the M. Be patient. These things usually have a way of coming out. Work on yourself in the meantime. Try not to focus on her and any affair. The worse thing you can do is let your mind wander and create things based on things you are not positive about.

Thanks for talking some sense in to me pilot. One of the problems with my job is that I have a lot of free time to do nothing but ruminate and play on the internet. I often make up scenarios that are imaginary and over analyze everything. When not at work, I don't have that problem. When there's nothing to do, I need to find something to do. Going to go look for projects.

Cadet-- Roger, loud and clear.

[MrBond]

I don't know why you keep thinking there's an A. After going through your story again, it really does sound like your W is someone who is just tired of putting up with your issues for so long and wants a fresh start.

You said in your very first post..."One of the issues in the marriage was that she did EVERYTHING, cooking, cleaning, etc., while working a full time job. I had a assumed that since I made much more money, I was exempt from most chores. I did the manly stuff like take the garbage out, clean the garage. But, I never planned dates or put any effort into showing her that I truly cared. The more I do around the house, the more I realize she's been exhausted. "

Mixed in with your bipolar disorder, I can see how things can get tiring for her. Keep concentrating on that and not an A.

[SadDood]

Thank you for your response MrBond. I actually appreciate your straight shooter style of response (In every thread). Right now, I'm giving her space and haven't talked to her in a few days. I think that's a good start. She wanted space and I'm giving it to her. Like I said, I'm not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing to be spending so much time on here reading all these threads. I may just stick to reading the success stories for now. Those always give me hope.

[MrBond]

Reading the threads is one thing. Going out and living your life is another. It gets easy to hang around and read everyone's story because misery loves company. But you have to implement your changes. Get yourself strong first.

[Vanilla]

Dood

You need Intel. I am a great believer in Intel. Intel rather than snooping. Intel is about knowing your sitch to take appropriate action. Intel is important to know. Snooping will only give you that which W wants you to know.

W if she is in an active A will never give you Intel.

DB and DR are wonderful books and not all of the things in it apply to every switch. That is the wonderful thing about Inel. It will help you to understand that which directly applies.

Sandi guidelines are vital for you to concentrate on you. Dood it is early days.

Your W need not be in an A to be wayward, she could be looking for an A or a Poential OM.

Time to GAL rather than ruminate, it has been my personal saviour. This is simple and straightforward to enable you to detach.

I wish you peace

V

[SadDood]

Thank you V!

I've actively tried to get intel and have been getting stonewalled by mutual friends who know what our situation is. The main one divorced her H without an A and keeps telling my W how happy she is. She is a friend and supports us both (or so it seems), but she could just be covering up for my W.

I'm really tired of thinking about it. I've held strong about not iniating any contact. I can already tell W is wondering WTH. Today she sent a picture of the kids and said she would have them call me. They did, and it made me so happy. I just texted W and said Thank you! Made my day, and left it at that. The last time I pulled way back, she drew closer. Most likely giving me breadcrumbs. Now that I understand this dynamic better, I'll be much more wary in the future.

As for now, I've been keeping busy at work and not thinking about her. I can't control her or her actions, but I can control my own. It mostly bothers me that I haven't seen any of the traits of other WW's. She is still a great Mom, doesn't go out much, and not out late and has never been hostile or abusive. Time will tell. My intel attempts have been unproductive. For now... I'm just going to keep on keepin on.

[SadDood]

Called W today to check on kids. W got very mad at me and asked for a D. She said we need to start the process. She was very upset and cried and yelled at me. Fortunately, I didn't react and acted as if this was fine. I didn't beg or plead or pursue.

Hurt but not devastated, as I was mentally prepared for this. I don't return home for 10 days and in that time I hope she settles down. I'm certainly not going to help with getting the process started. She just said that she's done. Done with everything.

LRT in action for real now. Even read DR again today, and gleaned more from it than I had previously. I strongly suspect A now.