Thanks Zephyr for the reply. I have been keeping up my PMA and Gal. My H has complained that I don't talk to him anymore about what's bothering me and so my IC thought this might be a good time to open up to him using I statements and nonblaming language. I'm not sure what it would gain me though other than knowing I let him know how I feel without drama.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Maybe is there you can start with something bugging you that will be a little less emotional charged for you. It may be a good way to start - being able to be super composed and positive. Ultimately. Is the ring a deal breaker for you...because if it is I understand. If not, then maybe it is something you can just let it go...we need to learn to let things go to not build and harbor resentment.
I am sure you can come up with other behaviors that may be deal breakers that you need to work with your I statements and boundaries to protect yourself and your feeling from continuously being hurt. I have set up an IC meeting for next week to focus on just this topic, what behaviors do I need to not allow To hurt me in my life anymore.
That's a good idea to talk more with my IC with, Zephyr. I did bring it up with my H last night, and he acknowledged that he thought it might be hard for me to take. He then asked about my plans for the weekend, so I followed his direction and did not get upset. I seem to be coming out of my weeklong spin which is good. I felt good that I spoke for myself, and that I did not have any expectations in his reaction. So his lack of one, minus the validation didn't hurt too much.
Thanks for the help and support in this area, Zephyr!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Ok, and here's another question. If I have no proof of a PA or EA do I set boundaries with my H with my S? I mean I have girl friends and boy friends that I bring my S with to as friends. If my H is still saying that someone is just a friend, and I'm still on the fence as to whether he's lying or not...I can't deny him having my S at her house playing with her son can I?
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
With regards to update- I would stay quiet. I would message him if absolutely necessary, and I found he would begin to message me first asking how baby is- and then how am I. With regards to keeping the potential ow away from your s- I really don't know what the right answer is. I know I possibly came out like a huge b*tch as I told him straight she would be having nothing to do with our baby.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks Cherry. I asked my H if he was still just friends with the OW or had it moved to a different level. And he said just friends and then wanted to know why. I explained how we have both made comments in the past when divorced friends had brought their significant others into their child's life and how inappropriate that was. He agreed but said he still didn't know what I was getting at. So I got blunt and said that as he wants to move on that he or I might start dating and do we want Z to meet or play with those dates. He seemed appalled and said that we shouldn't be involving out S in our dating. Then he took our S and went to his friend's house. That's what started my thought process.
I don't want to push him away if he is just friends with her (yea I know highly unlikely but it has happened) but I don't want to just sit back either.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Eirinn, you know the stats on how likely it is that a WAH has a woman in the wings when he wants out of the M. Now, your H may be one of the few that doesn't, but as there is already this woman on the scene, I suspect not.
I think you need intel to confirm the status of their R. What intel options are available to you? If you knew what was actually happening, you could adjust your approach accordingly.
I don't think there is any point asking your H stuff like this. If he is having an A, he will just lie to you about it...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't think there is any point asking your H stuff like this. If he is having an A, he will just lie to you about it...
Hello Eirinn,
Toots is correct. I don't think it benefits you asking your H about the status with the OW.
Please hang in there and don't give up, ok?
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hi Toots, I really don't have any Intel options as we live rurally and I work and have all my friends in one town and he works and has his friend an hour away. He locks his phone all the time as he works with highly confidential information.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I asked my H if he was still just friends with the OW or had it moved to a different level. And he said just friends and then wanted to know why. I explained how we have both made comments in the past when divorced friends had brought their significant others into their child's life and how inappropriate that was. He agreed but said he still didn't know what I was getting at. So I got blunt and said that as he wants to move on that he or I might start dating and do we want Z to meet or play with those dates. He seemed appalled and said that we shouldn't be involving out S in our dating. Then he took our S and went to his friend's house. That's what started my thought process. 