Tonight at Bible study, the couple in front of me turns around and the wife says "Hi Whatis, how's AM?" Holy [censored]! Pastor also told me that his wife had been commenting that AM and I seemed to be getting rather close. Yup, that's a small church. Lastly, Adventism is not like he likes country and she likes rock n roll...it's bigger than that kind of difference. There are many things that make dating non-Adventists a difficult situation. Actually, Pastor and I discussed it tonight and he said it's something that just gets harder, not easier when you marry outside the faith. I don't expect anyone to understand that here. I'm not saying I'd never do it but I would prefer to meet someone who shares my faith.
Hey, maybe I should go for conversion therapy where I can chant "once you go white it's pure delight" until I become attracted to white women lol. I dated an Irish woman once for about four months...she dumped me 'cuz she said she didn't love me, it was just lust. I couldn't understand why that was a problem lol.
Good morning. Just want to say that I have been processing this in my mind. My mind is a little calmer since talking with my Pastor last night. I had a role in what happened. I'm not a complete innocent victim here. I had indications and warnings that something was not right here but I didn't want to be embarrassed by putting it out there directly and I liked the feeling of having someone contacting me and validating me...it felt nice. Sure, I asked her a couple of times to explain her behaviour putting her in a spot that she was unable to respond to properly but I never said "I need to talk about this..." I could have been more direct. I'm sure she just legitimized her part by telling herself that nothing was really happening and why venture into uncharted and maybe embarrassing waters for both of us. So we both just sailed on. Anyway, all I'm saying is that I was not an innocent victim here but made choices that added to the inappropriate way she let me know...but I pushed her to that cuz I wanted a conclusion. The reason she asked me on Sunday was because I told her that I would not be asking her to do things anymore...if she wanted my company she was going to have to ask me. She did...and now I know what the truth is...that's what I wanted, wasn't it? When I met with Pastor I told him that i realize that my view of what happened is probably coloured to make me look and feel justified and I'm sure she has a different perspective. I said the reality is probably somewhere in the middle. So anyway, I could have done things differently too. 'nuff said for now
Now, that said above, she was the one in a relationship and had the most obligation to make that clear. I was operating on false information which she propagated. So I'm willing to own up to my part but not all of it! Anyway, enough of that. What is is and we learn from it. The Lord has delivered me from probably a much worse fate! So, it was mentioned that I should look outside Adventism for partners and/or connections. I don't think people really understand why that's an issue. I became much more aware of this when I had dates with a couple of women in December. It struck me that there were issues in this. 1) Adventists are Sabbath keepers. We observe Sabbath from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday. During this time we do not cook, do chores, make purchases... I don't buy coffee at Tim Horton's, I would fill my gas tank the night before, and I cook meals on Thursday for Sabbath. there's more but you get the idea. We, as Adventists, spend much of Sabbath with each other or doing church stuff together. 2) We believe we are the remnant church...which means through Ellen G White's visions God gave us a special mission on this earth and you can't just in good conscience run to another church 'cuz it would be good for your relationship if you believe in that mission. 3) We are largely vegetarian and those that don't still eat meat sparingly. We do not eat pork or shellfish. Our meals together e.g. potlucks are vegetarian. We believe in the health message God sent through Ellen G White. 4) although many of our beliefs are the same as other Christian denominations many are not. We do not believe in an eternal hell. We believe that death means sleep until the second coming...no one goes to heaven before that. We believe in the sanctuary where Jesus is preparing a place for us, we practice foot washing. We don't wear wedding rings or jewellery....etc.
There's lots of stuff that makes inter-denomination relationships extremely challenging...not impossible, but difficult. So in my mind I would like to find someone who will share my beliefs and practices ...someone who will share Sabbath School homework with me (we do homework each evening), who will understand our practices and not just put up with them. Pastor says it gets harder and harder not easier. So, that's my lengthy but still very incomplete explanation for why I would prefer to have a relationship within my faith. I adhere to our practices and it matters to me that whoever I choose to share my life with is on the same page. I know that goes against the "all religions are one..." and "tolerance" camps preaching but what is is and that's where I choose to be. It may change but not today anyway A year ago (and this Sabbath it will be a year), when I returned to the Adventist church I felt like I had come home. I am an Adventist.
Btw, I forgot to mention that we do not celebrate Christmas or Easter...it's ok if you want to but the church does not recognize those dates as they are not in the Bible. Also, an Adventist Pastor is not supposed to marry an Adventist to a non- Adventist. It's ok to be married within the church, for the Pastor to take part in the ceremony but he is not to marry...someone else must do it. I'm not saying I agree with that but it again shows an area of difference. OK, I'm done.
Wii - Now that you've explained it, I do understand the desire and benefit of dating within your own religion. Thank you for sharing that information as I learned about 10 times more about the beliefs and practices of Adventists then I previously knew. While refining dating to within your own faith certainly diminishes the available dating pool, the upside clearly is that if you find someone who shares the same beliefs and lifestyle as you, then you don't have to ask them to make adjustments to their life in order to accommodate your belief system. Plus they get to share in something that is vitally important to you and a very large part of your life.
I'm sorry about what happened with AM, but I guess better to have discovered this now versus much later. I think it hurts so bad because she was someone you were really attracted to and often the things we want most in life hurt the most when we end up not getting them - at least that's how I'm wired. Cue the playing of Nazareth's "Love Hurts" Ok - my two cents is over!
Nazareth! Devil's music lol. Thx BA, there are Adventist dating sites out there so it's worth looking into...maybe not right at this moment but I know they're there. I came to Adventism through my last girlfriend and honestly fell in love with the faith. I devoured the writings of Ellen G White and SDA Lady used to tell her friends I was a better Adventist than she was lol. Anyway, thanks again and Happy Sabbath to you too
I went to see my Psychologist today to check in and review the latest episode in my life. She said, in regards to AM, "Speaking as a mental health professional...I think she's nuts" she then said "C'mon, you're thinking that too, right?" and I said "Absolutely!". It's funny, my friend Agnes was a psychiatric nurse for a few years and she said to me last night "I think she's a little nuts". Pastor said to me on Wednesday "do you think she might have some mental health issues?" Well, at least it's not just me thinking the cheese is not firmly planted on her cracker...speaking as a mental health professional, of course lol. I also told her I was trying to process this and figure out how I could have done this better. I said maybe if I had been more upfront about things that would have helped. She said "Whatis, you liked her. Do you really think that she would have been honest with you anyway? I doubt it. You recognized there was something wrong, you backed off, you set boundaries with her and when the lies came to light you treated her respectfully and actually lovingly. You handled this as well as any man could have and probably much better than most" She said she realized that in my faith we consider each other family and I did her that service. I told her "I actually texted her and told her that if she was staying away from church because of me, not to. I told her that I would be fine, that the world had not ended and that I needed distance from her right now. I said that this is her church too and she is part of our family. I told her she didn't need to reply but I asked her to think about what I've said" My Pastor said he thought it would be ok for me to do that. I'd said to Pastor "she didn't crucify Christ...she just lied to me and I can work through that" Sure, it would be easier for me if she didn't come back but she's my sister in Christ and we need our church and our fellowship. I said I couldn't be her friend but I saw her as part of our family and she should be here. Weird maybe, but Pastor understood. At one point I said to Psychologist that I hoped she realized that secrets can now be harmful and Psych. said "you don't really think she's processing this do you? I think she's just cut and run and will probably repeat it somewhere else" I think she's right but time will tell. Anyway, that's that for now.
Wii: I don't like what I'm reading here. You both made mistakes. You admitted that. You were interested in her & despite many warning signs (I saw them & repeatedly mentioned them) you chose to persist & pursue. Yes - she sent you some mixed messages but all along - I think she wanted a friend.
She withheld information and that was wrong. But it was also her prerogative. Did she cheat? I don't think so. Did she lie? Perhaps by omission. But I think that's all she did.
She had much more to lose than ou. And she lost it. Her church. Her group of friends. I think that is sad.
She is an Adventist by culture more than by choice. You have chosen that religion but it is not your culture. You can't change someone's culture.
It's your choice how you proceed and what your religion is just as we can choose our friends. But your dating experience within that culture has been a real roller coaster for you.
I honestly think your psychologist was telling you what you wanted to hear. As always - I'm pretty blunt. But I feel sorry for her as well as for you.
I just hate to see you repeat the same patterns that didn't work for you in the past.
Well, this never gets boring. Today Agnes told me that she talked with AM and in the conversation the topic of AM's relationship status came up. Agnes asked her whether she had a boyfriend and she told Agnes she did not. Agnes asked why she told her last week she did and she said "I just made that up...I don't have a boyfriend" Okkkkkk. And Barb, it is sad. I've done my best to mend it...the rest is up to her. I could go on arguing with you till I'm blue in the face (or my fingers fall off) but I won't. You have your viewpoint...I respect it and ponder your points, but I don't agree with a lot of it. That's cool, we're on this site to hear other points of view. Onwards and upwards.
