I am so sorry how hard this must be. Was it clear to him that there is a chance if OW is gone and he seriously works to regain your trust? I read that you just told him you were done and had no hope and wanted to move on.
Did I miss it, the sign you gave him of possibility if he were to work for you?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
At what point am I allowed to start using words to describe your H that goes beyond 'fool' because when i read your updates he is so far past that, 'fool' is now just an optimistic memory.
I think you are showing more and more strength each time you post and to me it looks like your H sees that and is trying every trick in the book. But to me thats what it is at the moment - Tricks.
He still has TauC and has said some awful things to you.
Unless/until he is prepared to really commit and do what he needs to in order to earn another chance with you then he should stop whining to you about how sad he is. This is one of those occassions i would say he really needs to man-up (and i usually despise that phrase). Its his choices so he better be prepared to live with the consequences.
He knows you dont want this and surely must know what it would take to fix things but for whatever reason isn't.
You've been showing tremendous strength in the face of your H and you need to keep doing that. to show him what a good thing he has thrown away and let him feel the loss.
You might want to take a cue from HP's thread and the next time just respond with an incredulous 'Really...?'
For what its worth i do think there is still a chance but your H has a lot of work to do and in my humble opinion i think it is only really, truly feeling the loss of you and his children that will motivate him to do that work.
and by that time YOU might have decided its too late
(((Pink)))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I really told him this time, with all the words, what I don't want, what I think is enough for he is the one that need to work his problems not me anymore.
But I also told him very clearly that I do not want the divorce, that I put the papers just for my own financial security, that I do not want to destroy my M and my Family.
That I wish things are different and that he would choose to work on our M, but it is not my reality and I am tired of lying to myself. I said to him that love is a choice and that he is choosing to give up, leave me and his family and that will respect his choices then.
I told him I am not going to be all depressed and hang myself in the garage, or take a bunch of pills. I told him I want to live well and many years, that I have my kids and a lot of fun ahead of me.
I said that I want to be kissed, hugged, make love and be loved again. And if it is with him, then we can put the work and if not then be it.
He insisted that it is not easy for him and that he is very confused and that he loves me a lot more then I can think. And then I said to him that people that love me this way, I want to put them all inside a trash bag, close it and leave it behind me because I do not need this kind of love that just hurts me over and over.
I told him that the only thing that bothers me the most is that we did not try harder, but I understand that every person has a different value of what a M and Family means to them.
I said that I was beside him for many good stuff, but also for a lot of bad ones. I reminded him many things I did to make his life easier and what I got from it.
He said all what I said is true and that he knows he made many mistakes and took me for granted. I said to him that it is done, we can't change the past, we can only learn from it and move forward.
H said he is confused and thinks every day about us, our M, that he is still thinking if our M can work again, if it is possible to try again and see what happens.
I told him that this is his problem, and his problem alone, he needs to deal with what he wants or don't and I will take care after my own life.
He knows the door is open, he knows I don't know until when, he knows I am determined to let other people into my life... so it is up to him now.
Hi Pink. Wow. That was some day. You were perfect and there was nothing more you could do. I think there is plenty of hope because your H can now see what he could lose. As Jim said , fool, is too soft but it seems to me like he's in the fog still.
You are on the right path. Whatever you decided in the future , the path forward is Pinks path.
You showed strength and coolness is a very tough situation. The real Pink is returning and she's shiwing H that she can be without him.
Well done Pink Life will be very good for you. Take care. Rd. xx
You are a 100% right. Yes, he is a fool. I am somewhat tired of the whole I love you bulls***. You say I have more and more strength, but I am getting to the conclusion that we are the strong ones, the determined people, the good ones, the ones that fight for what they want.
The week ones jump to another wagon. They do not fight, they do not face their problems and instead they blame other people for the gaps in their souls.
That's why they cheat, that's why they give up. Because they don't have the courage or the capacity to face life and do all what it takes to be happy. They are always looking for somebody to do the heavy lift for them.
I am saying all this for my H because it is the truth in my heart right now. But, I am also tired of all this, and I am more offended now then before about his whole betrayal.
I am losing the admiration and that is very important for me regarding a man. Yes, and I agree with you that my H needs to man-up. I tough about this many times before. Unfortunately he thinks that man-up means to meet his A in some hotel.
I told him my door is open now, but I don't know if it will be open forever. I am starting to enjoy my life alone, I am thinking it has a lot ahead of me and that I can do it without him to bother me.
I really want to be free again and whatever the hell I want to.
Thank you for posting this all pink! I have been reading your posts since I got here, right around the time you discovered the PA and you are miraculous! Seeing you grow and grow. (((Pink)))
Pink, your thread has been busy today my lovely DB friend..
You ask is there hope, and others have already answered. I think there is always hope. Even in those sitches where WAS just walks away and doesn't give any indication of any love or hope. Things turn and minds get changed.
As for your H, he has great times/awful times M with lovely Pink. He doesn't know if things can be repaired. Can he go back to feeling like that? But he loves Pink too. Thinks she is beautiful, hugs her, kisses her cheek, buys her a single rose, and tells her that's what it is when she doesn't notice....
For sure, he is not without feelings for you. But then there's TauC - and she makes him feel just great when they are together. It is fantasy land. She is on another continent, living with someone else...or separated...we're not sure....and has a young child. What does he do?
He is torn one way and then the other. One day, he sees how much he loves Pink. Then another, it all just seems too hard. And time with OW is easy - not all complicated like M...
I think that is where he is Pink. And I agree with others that the more he can see you moving forwards, The more likely he is to make a decision. If you had continued to loop the loop with him, I think you would remain in a 'triangle' situation, with little motivation for him to change.
Remember that your changed approach has only recently started, so have some patience lovely Pink, and enjoy doing some nice things whilst he is away. Stay dark and focus on the many joyful things in your life. Your H will do what he will when he will, and this is why it is important for you to stay detached. Not cold - but busy, breezy, happy and living your life well without him.
Take care Pink xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I will let it stink that's for sure. H won't learn anything if he does not suffer. So, I am in a mood to let him grow up at his own speed.
I stopped being his big mama, his secretary, his slave. From now on I am the mother of his children and that is it.
If he wants me back in his life, then he will need to stop the fancy words and start some actions that can provide some kind of commitment. If not, well we are in a D process, so it will run it's course.
I am not saying that all the sudden I am all strong, sure, very happy, I am struggling with my emotions, I am hurting yet. I hate this whole soap opera. But there is nothing I can do besides take care after myself, and this is what DB is all about, and I am embracing this DB thing 100% now.
By the way GG, I had my new light peach high hills on, H tough that shoes were gorgeous. My blouse was light peach too and my skirt was brown, very light fabric, along with a nice gentle brownish make up and some goldish jewelry.
Tough about GG and her kick A** shoes. Did the same.
Yes, and I believe in this too. I am up to the fight, even tough H will see and feel that he is slowly loosing my heart.
I finally got to the point that I can separate my emotions enough from the DB techniques and start applying it. I understand that it is still very easy to make mistakes, but I will try my best to keep in the right direction.
I will fight for my M until I can't do it no longer.
