Introduction - least creative title

[Mozza]

L

I know it seems like R is what I'm hoping for, but it's not. I'm truly hoping to get through this D and just be done.

This is definitely a 180 from how I felt a week ago. I don't have the anxiety or nervousness I had when I was hoping to R. I feel very determined and driven to move on. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Just I'm going to be an awesome father and sell this house guy.

Why is it that you don't want to reconcile anymore?

[TenBook]

Closer... have you been talking your experiences out with any safe friends?

[Bob723]

Thanks Bob. I appreciate the reply and words of encouragement. I think I remember you writing about how your wife painted clouds in the MBR. I imagine it is hard with all the personal touches around the house. I wish you, and everyone that has found this website only the best. No one should have to go through what we are going through. All of us that remain dedicated to our families and try so hard to the best we can with a terrible situation should feel good about ourselves. I forget that sometimes.

You're welcome Closer! What a great memory you have - you are correct about the clouds. It is hard with all the personal touches.

You reminded me of something -- we should feel good about ourselves!

WE CAN DO THIS!

Bob

[Closer2]

Mozza, I should stop saying I don't want to reconcile. I feel like it's too early and she's too deep into the affair. However, it's been 6 months and based on the discussion today, she's bottomed out. It's amazing to watch the script unfold. She was crying, apologizing, she said she felt like a drug addict and hates the person she's become. She never mentions reconciliation and I don't either. She only said she will not go see OM and she needs a break from him.

Tenbook, my safe friends don't get DBing. They can't believe I haven't booted her to the curb or walked out. They do a great job pumping me up by commending my commitment to her and the kids. So that's good.

I'm on my phone, so it's harder to type. I think I did pretty good today when we talked. I rocked the hell out some validation, didn't focus on the negative, didn't play the victim. I was strong and confident. I normal flip on the nice guy switch when she cries, not today.

[Bob723]

I'm on my phone, so it's harder to type. I think I did pretty good today when we talked. I rocked the hell out some validation, didn't focus on the negative, didn't play the victim. I was strong and confident. I normal flip on the nice guy switch when she cries, not today.

Closer,

Good for you . . . keep it up!

Bob

[TenBook]

Hi Closer,

I hope that this is the beginning of a turnaround but I went through that and my STBX's break from the OM just ended up in going back to him.

But I heard the same things. So, I hope I'm not being toxic to you by telling you my own jaded experiences.

[Closer2]

Thanks guys.

TenBook, I don't want to be toxic to myself, but I don't think this is a turnaround for our marriage. I believe this turnaround for her to do what she needs to do to end our marriage and be with OM. She said that she is dedicated to getting the house in order, to the kids, and to me. She said that she will not see OM for 7 weeks and he was okay with that, he understood. How is she dedicated to me? Sounds like she's dedicated to OM.

She did ask me what she needed to do to trust her again. That I could look at her phone anytime. I declined her offer. I don't feel the need to see her phone because we're still getting divorced. I didn't say that to her because I'm avoiding an R talk. There is no R now. I told her I would need to think about it because right now I just don't know.

She said she would show me through her actions.

What actions?

Getting the house ready to sell, getting the kids ready to move into her mother's.

Awesome, your actions to separate me from my kids and your life are the perfect way to show me how I can trust you. Why didn't I think of that?

I wasn't sure if she was serious and I should see that as an action to build trust or if she was insulting me. I found it kind of insulting. I didn't push back because I wanted to process the situation a bit more.

My head is all effed up now. During our M I was a nice guy. I kept my emotions bottle up because I didn't want to rock the boat. She has told me that sometimes she wasn't even sure I had emotions (so you thought I was a psychopath?). After reading books like DB, DR, and NMMNG, I am definitely more honest about my emotions and how I am feeling. However, I don't really want to share that with her right now. She has been having her emotional needs filled by someone else, she has lied constantly, and I can't be open with someone I don't trust.

I really need to get some more coaching. For now, I'm going to distance myself and just monitor the situation. I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to be crushed. I think I need to keep focused on this as a business deal.

How do I trust her again? Is this a sign of R, but because I have been avoiding discussing R she feels that I'm onboard with D? Am I right to think that it's to early to ask for NC with OM?

At least I have some GAL activities planned. I need to plan more because right now I feel like I'm over thinking. I need distractions. I need to focus on myself.

[pilot]

It is good you are able to keep things "business like" if even only in appearance to her. I would say this is not a sign of R because she has not made any indication that is what she wants nor has expressed any regrets about her actions. Good for you for not jumping at her offer for transparency. That being said, remember to keep the path home paved smoothly. Keep being the best person you can and make sure you keep all of your changes visible to her and limit your backsliding. Dont read too much into moving forward with selling the house. If nothing else it could be a chance for you to show off the new you, and more importantly the happy detached you. Whether or not she keeps away from OM for 7 weeks is really out of your control.

[Closer2]

She has expressed regret. She seemed broken yesterday. I have never seen like that. It was different than when I discovered the affair. When I discovered the affair, she was upset she got caught. This was different.

She told me that she hates the person that she has become and she wants to change. I don't want to trivialize what she said or how she feels. I'm cautiously optimistic. I still don't trust her.

[u-turn]

Hey Closer,
I feel like I've been there, first the regret that she got caught, then the regret that she let herself down, but nothing further.

I would definitely tread lightly with this - much caution. Sometimes it just seems self-serving for them.