gan 6 - return to human be-ing

[jim0987]

What if you only have chickens?

[Sotto]

Just chickens may mean that you don't get to have the wife, but you do get to look after the cows...

[jim0987]

There must be a cow/chicken exchange rate, though it may need to go through the intermediary of goats.

[gan]

Few cows = few wives
No cows = not Maasai
Goats = important but not wife worthy (I think)
Chickens = not important

[Vanilla]

And giraffes?

V

[Zelda09]

Oh my goodness, 15 cows for sure.

I think sick to stomach trauma feeling is radical change to life as we know it. Would one of your massai women have it if she were to discover she was going to be alone with her H for the rest of her life, the only one to deal with him?

[Sotto]

Hey Gan - just realised you haven't posted for a little while....how are things going with you my friend??

xx

[gan]

Hi Zel, Toots, All. Just getting back to my real life now. Returned from Tanzania last Monday and has been a super busy week at work. Here's the current situation:

1. Not a peep from H since we met up a few weeks ago.
2. I still want my H but he doesn't want me or so it seems.
3. I can and will live an interesting life no matter what happens, but (2) still applies.
4. We can file in a couple of weeks. I have no intention of doing so and I suspect H won't either (but I could be wrong).
5. Our M anniversary is in a couple of weeks. No celebrating there, but if I do want to send a letter that could be a good time.

As for me, here's a few random thoughts that have been kicking around in my head:

1. I'm not sure if I've really changed through this process. I do have some new ways of thinking about Rs (informed mostly by the work of Schnarch) and communication (Rosenberg). I've learned that I have a fierce flooding reaction when I hear things I don't want to hear, which interferes with my ability to live by the new perspectives I've gained above. I need to take responsibility for this and learn to put the reptile brain back in its cage.
2. I feel that I skipped the angry stage and that concerns me. Is it still to come? Have I been stuffing away my feelings away all this time?
3. It's been enlightening to read about some of the personal struggles people have had through this. From the beginning I never had any issues with believing I am good enough. Lately I've been wondering where I sit on the narcissist scale. The fact that I've been paying more attention to how I look when I go out probably hasn't helped! Man this whole thing is messing with my head.

(I think a trip to the IC is in order)

As for goals for the next little while:
1. I need to make more of an effort to build my social network. Having spent so much time overseas, I have friends in far away places (largely through Hs extra-curricular activities) but few here. As an extroverted introvert, I can easily pre-occupy myself with things that stimulate me during my alone time. But I want to feel more connected to others, particularly now that my major connection with another human has...well...become disconnected.

[Maybell]

It took me a looooong time to get to angry. I had to truly believe STBX was doing what I saw him doing before I could get there. And even then I had to lose hope and faith that his choices were HIS and not the result of outside influences. (And I knew for a long time that he'd been cheating and even told ow he loved her). If you still want your H after all this then maybe you're just not there yet?

I've never been really clear on why he says he left. You seem like a delight.

I don't think you're a narcissist. Narcissists don't want to be connected by others; they want to be adored by them.

Welcome back, gan!

[Vanilla]

Hi Zel, Toots, All. Just getting back to my real life now. Returned from Tanzania last Monday and has been a super busy week at work. Here's the current situation:

1. Not a peep from H since we met up a few weeks ago.
2. I still want my H but he doesn't want me or so it seems.

Oh dear, mind reading again!
3. I can and will live an interesting life no matter what happens, but (2) still applies.

shouldnt that read I am living? There aren't many posters here with more adventure in their lives!
4. We can file in a couple of weeks. I have no intention of doing so and I suspect H won't either (but I could be wrong).

then you have the gift of time. Don't you?
5. Our M anniversary is in a couple of weeks. No celebrating there, but if I do want to send a letter that could be a good time.

I truly have no clue what you are saying!

As for me, here's a few random thoughts that have been kicking around in my head:

1. I'm not sure if I've really changed through this process. I do have some new ways of thinking about Rs (informed mostly by the work of Schnarch) and communication (Rosenberg). I've learned that I have a fierce flooding reaction when I hear things I don't want to hear, which interferes with my ability to live by the new perspectives I've gained above. I need to take responsibility for this and learn to put the reptile brain back in its cage.

Flooding is a physiological reaction which is beyond control. So, you have the choice of identifying the triggers and intervening first or soothing after. The attack itself is determined by your biochemistry which is very tough to control, it isn't in my book a question of responsibility more of management. So what can you do to manage this?

2. I feel that I skipped the angry stage and that concerns me. Is it still to come?


Who says there has to be an angry stage? I haven't had one either, it isn't in my genes! Like me you flood instead.

Have I been stuffing away my feelings away all this time?

Do you think you have?

3. It's been enlightening to read about some of the personal struggles people have had through this. From the beginning I never had any issues with believing I am good enough. Lately I've been wondering where I sit on the narcissist scale. The fact that I've been paying more attention to how I look when I go out probably hasn't helped! Man this whole thing is messing with my head.

Perhaps you are on the minus scale of narc, like me neurotic? Or perhaps you are a covert angel? Why label with such horrible descriptions.

(I think a trip to the IC is in order)

As for goals for the next little while:
1. I need to make more of an effort to build my social network. Having spent so much time overseas, I have friends in far away places (largely through Hs extra-curricular activities) but few here. As an extroverted introvert, I can easily pre-occupy myself with things that stimulate me during my alone time. But I want to feel more connected to others, particularly now that my major connection with another human has...well...become disconnected.

Liking the goals.

V