My sitch aside, it's funny MIL is kind of the same way and WW and I used to talk about how MIL would stretch the truth to a point that others saw it was fabricated, but we would say that it seemed like MIL actually believed what she would say. Because you couldn't convince her otherwise. It seems WW is like that now.
For my sitch, I'll tell you that I have spent more time than I care to admit trying to figure out 'how' W could interpret my actions into what she's said to me and/or others. Its one of those things that I keep trying to look at it from a different perspective and still can't get close to what she's saying. Especially since it seemed to give her 'pain' but I couldn't tell if it was genuine or a cover for the A. I'm not sure she really knows.
Anyway, it doesn't matter and I think I'm at the point of detachment that I really am not concerned about what's going on with her, because like you all said only she can help herself.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Also, WW called me to talk about taxes. She was much more collected and we had a reasonable conversation. I told her that I'm not trying to make this difficult, but we agreed to an approach, she changed it, then after I had went separately she wanted me to change it back. I tried not to lecture her, short of saying that we need to improve the way we communicate about things with the separation.
Through it all, I still see a very self-centered 'what's in it for me' attitude from her right now. She hasn't shared anything with me for 8 months I found out how much she paid for the house on Zillow. Now that she found out that she owed money, was all over me about why don't I share stuff with her and questioned my honesty because I didn't tell her what my tax refund/bill was. I know that there's no way to solve that, but I hope and pray that it thaws and she starts looking at how her decisions affect those around her. A man can only hope....
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Yeah, its weird because W wants nothing to do with me at all from the beginning, which seems to be slightly different than other WW. Even stuff/decisions with the kids, she does everything possible to avoid me. As far as detaching, I keep saying I'm there, but I think I'm much closer this time. I came to the realization that there's no way I could take her back in her current mindset. Hopefully, she'll get some help.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Went to file our taxes (again) after the call over the weekend. Short of it is that we found that it was worse filing jointly, so we stayed filing separately. At that point I think she realized how accommodating I was, because I could have been a jerk about it (although it wouldn't have been fair.) She had a big payment and I had a refund, so I said to her that we could add my return to her payment and it evened out.
She was miserable the whole time until I said that and then was more upbeat. She looked at me and I think she realized I just 'lost' a couple G's. Now that wouldn't have been fair, but I looked at her and I said.
"WW, I'm going to leave this as the only thing I say; but we need to coordinate things like this regardless of what's going on with us."
She said she knows and understands. Not so good getting rid of my 'parent' attitude, but she messed up big time and I think she realized I bailed her out.
So in other news, D4 told daycare "all about" W and my incident Friday. Daycare said she knew something happened because D4 kept talking about it. D4 said that Mommy was yelling at Daddy, but Daddy was talking real softly to Mommy. D4 said she just wanted to cover her ears while Mommy was yelling. Then asked daycare what 'taxes' are. So much for thinking kids don't comprehend what's going on around them.
In other, other news, D4 told me they went to the Park with OM, GF and their son. So....yeah.....I guess if its still an A; its not going anywhere. Not sure if their "done," he's just leading her on, or there's another BD for GF (I think this is least likely, its been 8 months since WW made her 'stand') I just know that WW is not going to be out of her fog until that's completely done with NC. I pray she can see this what it is......Patience MCS, Patience.
Last edited by MCS; 04/14/1512:06 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks, if you had asked me 8 months ago if I'd be where I am right now, I'd say no. You can do it too and will if that's what you need to. It's the one day at a time approach. I often say that if you were given the choice to put yourself aside for a while to offer a better life for your kids, would you? Everyone of course says yes. That's where I see myself, I'm going to be fine regardless but I need to hold on until God lets me know what my next step is. It's the old adage that you read, focus on you and your kids and hand the rest over to Him.
I'm not sure what tomorrow brings, W could have her fog lift or I find someone else, but it's all part of the plan. I just need to do the best I can and understand that I'm only going to be shown the next step and not the destination.
I wish it didn't take this long to accept this viewpoint, but it's all about only taking on what we can handle at the time.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Yeah, its weird because W wants nothing to do with me at all from the beginning, which seems to be slightly different than other WW. Even stuff/decisions with the kids, she does everything possible to avoid me. As far as detaching, I keep saying I'm there, but I think I'm much closer this time. I came to the realization that there's no way I could take her back in her current mindset. Hopefully, she'll get some help.
MCS I think this is because WW is afraid, you will have to let her work her stuff until it's unravelled and then you can breathe a little.
My dear MCS, this will be a long journey for you I think. Eventually the penny may drop for WW that she needs help. Then there may be change.
In many ways it's the castle and the picnic.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/15/1505:38 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yep, definitely no pics out there. Like I said, I live in a small town. So while there were pages and pages of women. I knew some of them.... former neighbor from down the street, a teacher at D5's school, someone else had a big family picture and someone I work with was one of the people in the pic.
Thank you for this. I hadn't even considered doing this. One comforting thing about this site is that we all bear a heavy heart and have been through the ringer. I'm much more detached now, especially since I've taken control of the sitch. I love my wife and the life we've built together, but part of me wonders if it would be much better if I were to just file for D and move on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around DBing as so much of it is counterintuitive and difficult to actually practice. I'm in so much pain, despite being more detached, I often wonder if I'll ever find someone again.
On a positive note, if not for my sitch, I would have never started working out again. In the last two months I've dropped from a chubby double chinned 215 lbs, to a solid lean 185 lbs. I run and do P90X. This has helped my attitude so much. I've bought a bunch of new clothing and when I look in the mirror, I actually like what I see. Although I'm 42, I'm in as good of shape as I was in my much more athletic 20's. I too live in a small town, and word has gotten out that W and I are struggling. During GALing, I have been approached by long time acquaintances that appeared to be light hearted pursuit. I haven't even considered any of these advances as I don't want to jeapordize any chance I may still have with my W.
I don't have much to add, but appeciate all the hard work you have put into MR and the way you have detailed much of your process. It seems you are doing everything right.
At what point do you just throw in the towel and move on? I still haven't quite figured that out. I have only been at this for a few months, but have thought many times about saying eff it. Get busy living or get busy dying. But, deep in my heart I know if my W were to eventually change her ways, it would be best for our children and for our each of our lives. Of course, I won't tell her this... not for quite some time.
Sorry this is so wordy, but I wanted to comment on threads that I really appreciate. Also, I may just peruse some online dating sites just to see what's out there and know people in my area have/are going through the same thing I'm going through.
Last edited by SadDood; 04/15/1508:28 PM.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
MCS I think this is because WW is afraid, you will have to let her work her stuff until it's unravelled and then you can breathe a little.
My dear MCS, this will be a long journey for you I think.
V
V,
Unfortunately, I have to say I agree with you. It stinks realizing this, talking with her (mind reading) its almost like she has moments that I think she realizes the problem is not me, but inside her. She'll just look at me, her eyes will soften, etc. That's usually when I back slide and say "WW, you need to go get help" Then, boom, the wall comes back up.
This whole tax thing's silver lining is I'm much more detached; but its also helped me realized just how much work she needs in order to come home. I'm at the point that I'm not sure thats in the cards, but I'll know that when the time is right.
Talking to some of (our) really good friends (the ones that convinced me of OM) and they've seen every step for me. They say they see me doing much better, but I see that they are in the 'protect MCS' role and are trying to say that WW is not 'sane' right now. It stinks, these were some of WW's closest friends Pre-BD and know her almost as well as I do. They saw her compassionate caring side and that's why we've all loved her, but everyone is putting that into question right now. I'm glad they are so honest with me, but It's tough seeing some of them having doubts.
From week 1, I've been called to 'Love Her' and 'Be Patient' every time I'm down, I get something to remind me of that. It's horrible to see her struggle while the solution seems so easy. I know its not for her. Like I said, I don't know the destination, but have faith that whatever the next step I'm called to take is all I need to focus on.
Lonely, lacking intimacy, lacking companionship MCS is an 'okay' MCS for right now. I'll know when the time is right, V. Whatever that next step is.
Last edited by MCS; 04/15/1511:54 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
former neighbor from down the street, a teacher at D5's school, someone else had a big family picture and someone I work with was one of the people in the pic.