Rysinmans climb after WAW! #2

[RysinMn]

Great perspective complex and great question. This is a conundrum.

[RysinMn]

So it has been a while since posting here on this forum i figured i would update everyone on everything thus far!

This coming Thursday i will officially be moved out of our house and into my own apartment. I have had very little contact with W since the trying to kiss me incident. Not sure if i mention that she asked me for my orders taking me to my new duty station. After a few questions about why she needed them she stated she was having problems at work and was thinking about quitting. Now this is a job that she has loved since the beginning. But the boss found out she was brining OM to work during the affair and i was still deployed.

So i guess things have gone sour for her since leaving me for him. Well i tried to contact her about the keys for the house but did not get a response for a week. Yesterday i get a text telling me she was sorry, but she was so stressed out about events in her life she had to get away and go see her mom, and that she will be gone for almost a month. Crazy i would have to say, considering just two months ago she told me that her life and happiness was going to be here in Hawaii and she was never going to leave the island and that i was on my own.

It is amazing how things change, my GAL is in full swing, im living my life for me and my happiness and now she is the one that is no longer happy. To be honest i have begun to really think if reconciliation is what i really want for the future. Does everyone go through this type of thinking once they have completely detached for the situation and relationship? I decided to buy myself a new truck this past weekend, gave me a little anxiety signing the papers but i decided that i deserved to spoil myself and make myself happy for a change. And i have to say it felt great driving that truck off the lot. And i couldn’t be happier about it.

Things are definitely looking up for me and my future thanks to everyone who has ever given me advice!

[Complex]

Glad to hear man. Unfortunately our questions stayed unanswered lol.

It's common knowledge that everyone gets to a stage of not knowing if he or she even wants the reconciliation. And even during reconciliation I've heard that it can be very hard and you have to get over yourself and just truly believe in it bc it will feel wrong to some extend.
But that's not our concern right now.
You have to make your own decision if you'd actually take her back one day and more importantly under which circumstances. Wat would she have to do?
Maybe just try to figure that out. Makes things easy. If she wants to come back one day she has to do the things that you want from your R. Otherwise it's probably not going to happen, or let's say it shouldn't. Or you'll find yourself in the same situation in a few years again. You both have to do soul searching and self improvement. Not only you.

[Ontheup]

Hey Rys

Great to hear you continue to progress and move on with your life.
The truck is a treat to you. My councillor says to do things that make me feel good. Be that just lazing in the sun (when its out in England) or buying yourself a new gift. You've been through (continue) one of the most painful experiences a human can go through. The pain effects you physically as well. This is proven fact, so yeah, you wanna buy a new truck and it makes you feel good, then you buy the new truck! Be kind to yourself.

Ad far as R, I feel the same. I have moved on a lot certainly in last 2 months since I've moved out so I do still think about but I'm very indifferent as to whether I would. highly doubt it will ever happen.
You know you'll be absolutely fine without her and be a great catch one day for someone else. Nice position to be in.
If your wife does realise she has made a mistake and wants to sort it out I agree with complex. What does she have to do to make that happen? She has to be the one doing the work

Try not read what is going on with your wife and OM. I know we al do and I do agree it doesn't sound like she's in a great place right now.
Quick story: My friend at work got chumped 2 years ago. GF ran off with some younger guy. He was/still is gutted about it. I'm trying to help see that he can move on with his life. Anyway his ex out of the blue rang him 2 days ago. Numerous times and got arsey when he didn't answer straight away. She rang to ask how he was and what he was doing for the bank holiday. WTF! she hasn't given a sh!t and now ringing to see how he is. Funny how they seem to come crawling back. See it so often.

[Train]

You're normal, Rys. That's what we call detachment. It's a healthy place to be. It's also often the time when you start looking really attractive to a WAS. That's what happened in my case, and I've seen it in many others' cases. I'm not saying that to get your hopes up. (But if you're truly detached, it *wouldn't* get your hopes up.)

Of course your W is unhappy. If she would have picked up just one book or just one article about infidelity before cheating on you, she could have predicted her inevitable unhappiness and possibly made choices accordingly.

Most every person who cheats eventually ends up unfulfilled. That's too bad. Meanwhile, the LBS - at least the ones here - have been working on improving themselves and their outlook on life, making authentic changes to bring self-confidence and genuine happiness.

You're better off no matter which way W twists in the wind.

Good for you.

[25yearsmlc]

So it has been a while since posting here on this forum i figured i would update everyone on everything thus far!

This coming Thursday i will officially be moved out of our house and into my own apartment. I have had very little contact with W since the trying to kiss me incident. --- But the boss found out she was brining OM to work during the affair and i was still deployed.

So i guess things have gone sour for her since leaving me for him. --- Crazy i would have to say, considering just two months ago she told me that her life and happiness was going to be here in Hawaii and she was never going to leave the island and that i was on my own.

It is amazing how things change, my GAL is in full swing, im living my life for me and my happiness and now she is the one that is no longer happy. To be honest i have begun to really think if reconciliation is what i really want for the future. Does everyone go through this type of thinking once they have completely detached for the situation and relationship?

Not everyone gets the chance. But if they do, imo, most LBSers become the WAS at some point. No, not for forever.

But unless the original WAS convinces the LBS that there won't be a replay, it's hard to go backwards.

My h was surprised at my reluctance to join him (anywhere, actually). He did say a lot of things I needed to hear and he did have total transparency (his idea too).

In hindsight I probably should have explored more of what he had learned b/c there have been issues springing up, now years later, that would better have been addressed at the time.

But I digress. The short answer to your question is that for the people who detach AND for whom the WAS shows renewed interest, most of us do question things

b/c even if there were legit issues inside the marriage before, (and there usually are, even if they are not "evenly split") any rational person would hesitate before risking another broken heart.

It's totally reasonable to ascertain WHY the former WAS wants back in the marriage, and if the reason is that you are the second choice but the first choice didn't work out,

my advice would be to hesitate a lot more. It's possible that you can become, in her eyes, the first choice. But until you do, why risk it?

But make sure you are not being punitive either. Sometimes that's a fine line to walk b/c you want to give her another chance --- IF it feels "safe" enough,

and yet you also realize that none of us get guarantees anyway, AND you have to find the line between healthy self respect and false pride.

it's not always a clear line.

And if there are children to consider, well, then, the children have to be considered.


I decided to buy myself a new truck this past weekend, gave me a little anxiety signing the papers but i decided that i deserved to spoil myself and make myself happy for a change. And i have to say it felt great driving that truck off the lot. And i couldn’t be happier about it.

Things are definitely looking up for me and my future thanks to everyone who has ever given me advice!

In case you don't know it, THIS ^^ is a successful DB story. It's NOT always about reconciling but it is always about becoming the best you, that you can become.

You sure sound like a man only a fool would leave.

((( )))

[CaliGuy]

X 4 ^^

Rys I have read your sitch for a bit, have not posted much just due to the fact you have been given solid advice and better yet you have walked through this so well.

So i guess things have gone sour for her since leaving me for him. Well i tried to contact her about the keys for the house but did not get a response for a week. Yesterday i get a text telling me she was sorry, but she was so stressed out about events in her life she had to get away and go see her mom, and that she will be gone for almost a month. Crazy i would have to say, considering just two months ago she told me that her life and happiness was going to be here in Hawaii and she was never going to leave the island and that i was on my own.

Funny how when we LBS's arrive at true detachment and actually settle into our GAL's this tends to happen. Its all fantasyville till the reality of the situation hits them, we have to deal with that reality much sooner so we tend to be used to it, now she is facing the fallout from her actions.

It is amazing how things change, my GAL is in full swing, im living my life for me and my happiness and now she is the one that is no longer happy. To be honest i have begun to really think if reconciliation is what i really want for the future. Does everyone go through this type of thinking once they have completely detached for the situation and relationship? I decided to buy myself a new truck this past weekend, gave me a little anxiety signing the papers but i decided that i deserved to spoil myself and make myself happy for a change. And i have to say it felt great driving that truck off the lot. And i couldn’t be happier about it.
Things are definitely looking up for me and my future thanks to everyone who has ever given me advice!

I can not speak for everyone, just myself on ^^^^ that. I think for me I was so focused at first in saving the M and praying the A would end I could not think of anything else and would jump at a chance for R. Now ... after GAL and getting myself together .. like you said I have come out the other side and for me R is on the table, heck the W is actively looking up ways to fix all she has done. My sitch is different than yours as its a MLC issue but those feelings are the same. I was spinning (still am I think) for now what a month trying to figure out if this is really what I want. Do I want to R with her, or has that ship been through to much to salvage ... its the million dollar question.

Kudos on the truck, I did similar and bought a Harley, I was almost emotional when they handed me the keys, cranked up other bikes, honked horns and welcomed me into the family.

You have walked this with dignity and grace, handled yourself very well, I would be shocked if your W did not have some serious "Oh Chit what did I do's" .... what ever the future might have for you both you are in control of, it will be your choice.

Well done

[RysinMn]

Thank you everyone for the support and the kind words, things are getting better for sure, and i now know that i will come through this a better person. Once i actually decided to forget about my M and worry about myself things completely changed for me. My entire outlook on MY life in general changed. I have realized only i can make myself happy, and that i relied on someone else for far too long to help make me happy! some days i miss my W and what we had but for the most part i wake excited to face each and every day, and to achieve my dreams and lifes goals!

[twinmom]

I'm glad your life is so positive right now. You REALLY did take the high road and any woman would be lucky to be married to you.

[HeavyD]

well done!