Here is my comment and question. Being you have been on these forums over 11 years, what changes do you see in yourself during this time?
I can see some changes and may comment later on what I see. I have read most all of your thousands of posts, Over the past 6 years and ones elsewhere too.
Do you think that these changes have helped your recovery?
Does the Mrs ever have any comments about YOUR changes? What does she see?
Hopefully these questions are OK.
Of course they are okay; I'm always happy to answer and I like the opportunity to introspect (can that be a verb??)
I think how I've changed on the forum is very different -- and in some says, almost opposite -- from how I've changed in my marriage.
On the forum, I give shorter answers these days, cut right to the chaste, and could probably do a better job showing my "softer" side and giving more context, more of my backstory, more of the "why's" and not just the "how's" and "what's," and in giving more examples (good and bad) from my own sitch.
In my marriage, it's been exactly the opposite. I am MUCH more accepting of my wife these days, and I'm much better at looking at all of her (very large number of) GOOD attributes and not just getting resentful over the few things she does not do well. I'm more forgiving. I work daily at speaking her love language, instead of focusing on whether or not she's speaking mine. I think she would tell you (because she has told me) that I'm more encouraging of her, and her interests and concerns.
I think there was a time early on here where I was coming across as too "holier-than-thou," and that's because I truly WAS acting that way in my marriage. Once I began to adopt a philosophy of "you know what? Just because I may be better/stronger IN THIS ONE AREA (that my wife is lousy at), WHY IS THAT SOMEHOW SUPERIOR TO ALL OF THESE *OTHER* AREAS, where my faults are so much worse? It's basically the biblical concepts of "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," and the simultaneous teaching that no sin is any qualitatively worse than any other.
I learned to meet my wife where she was, and WHO she was, instead of some projected image of who I wanted her to be.
It became much easier to forgive my wife for her affair when I began to openly acknowledge my own contributions to our marital dysfunction, and to openly discuss those with her.
The only other thing I can think of is that I have never, EVER "lorded it (her affair) over her" in this entire 8 years since. She's never actually told me that that was something she was worried about, but I think she must have been.
Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?
Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?
Yes - thank you!
And my observation - FWIW is that you seem a little softer now, more emotional - less hard line. All perfectly natural as men as we get older and have less testosterone and more estrogen.
So maybe it is me that has changed in the way that views you. But I appreciate your candor and self introspection.
I am sure with all the well wishes that the users also respect and appreciate your guidance.
So again Happy anniversary to you and the fetching Mrs.
Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?
Yes - thank you!
And my observation - FWIW is that you seem a little softer now, more emotional - less hard line. All perfectly natural as men as we get older and have less testosterone and more estrogen.
I do think you're probably right. And I appreciate the anniversary thoughts!
I'm off to take the fetching Mrs. Starsky someplace realllllly nice (Ruth's Chris, our favorite). As always, she will be the most beautiful woman in the room, and I will be happy to be with her and to have wine and ribeye.
I am so proud and happy for you and your W's accomplishments together. You allowed God to take a nightmare and use you to help thousands. You are blessed, we are blessed, and God is honored. I pray for His richest blessings to continue to shower you and Ms. Starsky for many years to come.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Congratulations to you Starsky and your wife... I am so happy for you!
Praise be to God is right! I pray daily for guidance, to help me forgive and become a better man and for everybody here on this forum.
Starsky, you have given me and others such great advice and so much hope.
I can't find the words to express how appreciative I am of you and happy for you I am.
Regards,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Aw, happy anniversary, Starsky! I always love reading your posts. Hope you two have a wonderful time :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
