Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Thanks Heart. I understand this completely. But for some reason Mr Bond seems to think that I don't. I acknowledge that I have helped to give this impression by talking about what she did, but I thought for the most part I have put this in to the context that it is intended. Obviously I haven't

[Pyrite]

Not being totally committed to the marriage is usually a defense mechanism. It can be "sour grapes", it can be a way to avoid looking in the mirror. It can also stem from resentment as discussed (look how she treated me, I deserve better!). Finally, it can come from a tendency to "get it over with". People think it's easier to give up so there is no more limbo. What they don't realize is that the consequences of the D will be just as eternal, and the consequences of the lack of skills will be even greater by walking away.

Neither you nor your WAW want the M you had. The question is would you be willing to build a better M that worked for both of you? The new M is better because of shared history, children, and MOST IMPORTANTLY because you will both have developed the skills needed to get through a war together. Run from this M and it's possible your life becomes a series of 7-10 year R's that fall apart at a certain point. But if you learn the skills to get through a crisis like this, you will not only have a better M, but you will have a lasting M. SO THE ROAD TO SAVING YOUR M IS ACTUALLY THE SAME AS THE ROAD TO HEALING, BECOMING A BETTER MAN, AND PREPARING FOR YOUR NEXT M WITH A DIFFERENT PERSON. Since those roads don't diverge why not walk the path, avoid burning bridges, and giving yourself the best of all options?

Doing this a section at a time - at work. Absolutely Z. This was one of my arguments after BD. Of course she didn't want to hear it. In a sense the D R is like the M R. We will always be family, through the children. Our wedding day started us down a path to last forever and so will D day. BD was just the first step and in a way the easiest or simplest. My 4 year old has cycled back in her grief and last night was begging/crying to come and stay with me. She doesn't understand why it is more complicated than me just giving Mum a present to be my best friend again.

I think I have posted here as well. After BD I even said to her that this is an opportunity for us. I can see that when we are retired and the kids gone, we might look back on this as the moment which gave us a beautiful M. I still do believe that.

I am torn for all the reasons you mention, an something Sherman mentioned weeks ago "could I be happy if she DIDN"T change anything". I suppose the answer to that is NO. But, I think the reality is that these changes MOSTLY need airing and the freedom to communicate when they are occurring. On both sides of course.

[Pyrite]

-Post your destructive behaviors in your M
-Don't mention your W's behaviors AT ALL. Just yours, and how you impacted her.

OK - OK I have to collate this list. I haven't listed them as they have been all wrapt up under one banner

Please dont get the impression that I am avoiding self-growth.

Thank-you for the lessons. I can appreciate your comment about NOT having the lessons Vs the M. I posted earlier that I have realised things about myself in this short time that will (hopefully) make me a much better person and the most important thing in my life - a better father. I can see my girls when they are teenagers benefiting from (hopefully) growth in this period. And to be honest, I would NOT be even thinking about this without having been kicked so hard emotionally and stripped bare.

Edit: I think I posted this here. I have said it before in my head anyway. I mean when my girls are teenagers and finding themselves etc. To be able to guide them from a "wiser" position than that which I was in before.

[Pyrite]

examples of my poor (1&2 type) behaviour towards my W

- I pressured her into at least feeling guilty for not having sex
- I always had to be right
- I belittled her opinions
- I rejected her affection in the last few months before BD
- I rejected her offers to help and criticised her
- I corrected her English and grammar
- I was short and grumpy
- I made her feel like she had to physically get out of my way when I was doing housework
- I made her feel like she couldn't ask me for a favour (e.g. stop dishes and mind kids while she had a shower)

[MrBond]

"Thanks Heart. I understand this completely. But for some reason Mr Bond seems to think that I don't."

Because your own words show that you haven't. I and the other vets have been here long enough to recognize when someone is just going through the motions and when they're actually changing and applying DBing principles correctly.

Zeus is doing it correctly.

"I acknowledge that I have helped to give this impression by talking about what she did, but I thought for the most part I have put this in to the context that it is intended. Obviously I haven't"

That is correct because you consistently contradict yourself. It's like two children pointing fingers at each other assigning blame. You admit to what you claim was "your fault", and then you quickly turn around and say, "but she did this".

The fact that I actually talked to you about using the word "but" and how it negates the sincerity of what you say before that in a phrase. And then you came back with a rebuttal shows that you haven't learned.

The list is a good place to start and is what is explained in the book to do.

[Pyrite]

damn - it doesn't take much to get me unravelled. My W just called. Last night she moved into out M home for her week minding the kids. The 4 year old was distressed and wanted me. I texted her this morning to make sure she was OK. As usual no response. She called me and left a message. I was hopeful it was about my daughter. Last night when I spoke to my daughter, and W was present, she even thanked me and was complimentary for calming her down.

But all she wants to talk about is that she had real estate agent in last night to discuss sale of the property.

this is her priority? I suppose it is - she is anxious to get on with her new life. but I am angry. just like I am angry whenever I see mail come for her and she has reverted to using her maiden name.

she wants me to call her back, but I absolutely can't right now, it will end badly.

i want to establish where the family will be relocating before we sell the house. is this too much too ask?

[Pyrite]

i want to tell her that I am not ready to sell the house yet.

is this unreasonable?

[Pyrite]

i also want to give her the ultimatum that when he acknowledges my communications then I will respond. I suspect like everyone else here she conveniently ignores me, even when it is just business, but then gets cranky when I make her wait 10 mintutes for a response

[Pyrite]

damn - a 2n and 3rd message. i listened to the most recent of them. My daughter is distressed again nd wants to talk to me. the rest of the message she abused me for paying the girls too much attention and making them miss me.

anyway, i called to speak to my little girl. I'm going pick her up tomorrow afternoon and drop her back at night time.

she mentioned the house again. she is eager to sell it an m of to somewhere that suits her better.

i told her that this was not going to happen until we sort out where the girls re going to school etc. no oubt we will discuss the more tomorrow. Ouch!

she admitted that she doesn't even read my emails.

i dont like talking directly o her because it is 1: painful
2: her cold demeanour makes it more painful
3: she rubs it in and accuses me of being a pathetic child for not being as "cold" as her

please advise!

[MrBond]

"this is her priority? I suppose it is - she is anxious to get on with her new life. but I am angry. just like I am angry whenever I see mail come for her and she has reverted to using her maiden name."

You are angry because for once in your relationship, she is in control and not you.

"i want to establish where the family will be relocating before we sell the house. is this too much too ask?"

No, but that's not what you're doing. She doesn't want you to get a foothold in like you used to. She doesn't want you to keep controlling the situation as you have in the past. I know I've repeatedly mentioned this, but you don't seem to understand. You're going to have to learn how to compromise with her and communicate. Rather than you expecting her to do what you want her to.

"3: she rubs it in and accuses me of being a pathetic child for not being as "cold" as her"

I don't see where she actually SAID that. That's your own hurt feelings coming through.

If you really want to start changing the direction of the boat, you are going to have to STFU and quiet your own ego. Actually LISTEN to what she has to say and understand it. Then validate that she actually has a right to think on her own. You don't seem to want to acknowledge that.

Learn to listen and you'll be able to glean some insight as to what to do. Keep reading DB.