Mustardseed: as a teacher myself, I can relate to how stressful our job can be-- mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
You may want to read some of the recent advice I got from labug, urWorthy, Maybell and mozza... or perhaps my earliest thread with awesome insight from 25 years.
The stuff with the OW and playdates sounds pretty controlling. I would not expect my H to consult me on every activity or playdate he arranges. I would certainly hope that he would give me a heads up before introducing my D to a girlfriend, but I can't control what he does.
please do not contact the OW anymore. Focus on you, on GAL, on managing your anxiety and stress (which makes everything in a special needs classroom so much worse!)... and work on detaching.
Nothing you say at this point will change how either of them feel.
You can do this-- all of it. If you want to get some feedback on teaching stuff, I'm sure I'm not the only one here, and I'd be more than happy to offer support.
Thank you Claire. I will look into your threads. I am going to do everything in my power to let go of their relationship. Unfortunately contact is unavoidable as she is my sons teacher and will be my daughters next year, not to mention our daughters' friendship. I just have to realize that now he is her problem and that will take care of itself. The more I try to control the situation the more I push them together.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Oh gosh, I would be raising my concerns with the school about that I think. Is it really possible for her to continue teaching your kids when she has contributed to the break up of your family?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This week is very important to you work wise. You have a plan and are applying it.
I am glad the first day went well as it is a boost for later days when you may need to make adjustments, some will be fine tuning and others may be because of feedback.
You are really up to this, and are applying effort and sense to it. Soon you will start to enjoy the successes you get. It is a virtuous spiral of improvement and performance. As a result of circumstances your initial performance needed revising and Msd you are doing that. I am pleased you are also letting everyone know there are changes to come and adjustments. That way you will get buy in.
I am really looking forward to reading about more days and in particular I shall be with you as your cheer leader on Friday.
Really pleased for you Msd.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I survived the week. Right now I am feeling very good about things involving work. I'm kind of hoping I am able to save my job. I received some supportive compliments from coworkers who sat in on the meetings with me, saying that I did great for my first time. I hope my principal noticed. I know she was worried, and honestly given my fragile state the last couple of weeks I don't blame her.
The meetings went well, and I think the medication helped. I got all of my reports done last night so it was fresh in my head. I said my piece, often having to start the meeting, and contributed when necessary. I focused on the things I felt the most confidence about, and relied on the data and reports for the information that I was unsure of.
The one thing about the meds is that I realize that it works really well right away. I feel sane and normal, and confident in a really healthy way. Then a few hours later I start to get very drowsy, and right after the drowsiness kicks in, the anxiety starts to come back. The worst feeling is when I have the drowsiness coupled with the anxiety. This happened during my fourth meeting, and I felt myself trembling when I spoke. I took another pill right after that meeting and was fine the rest of the day. It is such a relief to have that part done with, and I think that now I can devote all my focus to getting my planning right.
I met with a therapist earlier this week. I didn't even get into my work issues when I spoke to her but just unloaded about H and OW and my complicated situation. My goal is to stop handling things so badly, but I felt like she was validating my bad behavior because she was surprised by how complicated my situation is. I don't want validation. I don't want anyone telling me that my feelings or reactions are understandable. I want some one to tell me how to move on. I want someone to come right out and say, "Here is the line. This is your boundary, and this is none of your business." I wonder if the the first session is just supposed to be information gathering. I don't want another excuse to vent--I have been doing too much of that and it is getting me no where. Just making me obsess and hold on and feel justified in doing so--which only makes things worse. I want someone to tell me to knock it off, and to give me strategies to get me to the place where I was over the summer.
I thought that I had it all figured out last summer. I felt like holding on and letting go was completely my choice and in my control. And through prayer and faith I could take control of my life. Right now I don't feel I have a choice. Like my body and mind have completely been hijacked. I keep trying to give it up to God, but it is so tangled up all around me that it just refuses to go. Maybe I am depressed? I've never experienced a situation where I wasn't able to apply mind over matter before. Is that what it feels like to be depressed?
I'm home alone tonight. I was supposed to go away to celebrate a cousin's birthday but I was afraid that between the travel time and visiting time I won't have enough time to get my plans done for next week. The kids were going to stay with my SIL because H has some stuff going on. They were excited so I didn't change their plans. I appreciate the alone time, but I am also feeling kind of lonely.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I ended up going out last night with a friend from childhood. I took a chance and FB messaged her because I am in my home town and I noticed that she goes out in town often. I felt a little embarrassed by reaching out like that, but I am so glad I did it. We had so much fun! She is very outgoing and has a lot of male friends. Being friends with men is something I want to work on. All of my closest friends have always been females, and I think not knowing how to be a friend to a guy might have been detrimental to my marriage. We had a passionate, loving, and committed relationship for many years, but I don't think I can really say that we were friends. Obviously he felt more comfortable opening up to someone else instead of me, so I am sure he feels that way.
The one thing that I never thought would happen was that I could find another man attractive. I have closed myself off from men since meeting my husband. He had some jealousy issues with some past relationships and flirtatious friendships from my past, and he always commented negatively when men looked at me. I didn't want any reason for him to feel threatened by anything so I cut it all out of my life. Last night my friend asked me what kind of man I am attracted to, and all I could think of was H. But then I started to look at the men differently. I allowed myself to put that wall down and just enjoy the men in our presence. It wasn't flirtatious, maybe a little, but very innocent. And I realized that I am able to find other men attractive. I felt comfortable having another man's arm around me--whereas before last night I would have felt very tense and guilty by that.
H has always had female friends and I never felt threatened by it until OW--mostly because that friendship was kept so separate from me. Now I see what a double standard I had about that. I don't even really think it was his doing, but my own. I know that before H most of my friendships with men became intimate in some way, shape, or form, so I didn't trust myself to be friendly or comfortable with other men when I was in a relationship. And as much as I might say his jealousy had something to do with it, I realize that it is a pattern that I had in previous relationships as well. Once I made a commitment to a man, I cut the rest of them out (except family and friends' significant others). So now it is time for me to learn how to be friends with men and not feel guilty about it.
I have so much work to do that I don't want to do. And I am running low on the meds--but I know I am going to need them to get through the week so I am trying not to take any today.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
