Affair Over but Stuck

[Hurt06]

She wants to take the kids and move out?

How can I stop her from taking the kids?

[Sotto]

Hurt, I'm not up to date on your sitch - but have you seen a L already? If not, I would consult with one asap. I'm afraid I don't know how things like this work, but I hope you manage to agree an arrangement that is in the best interests of you all.

((Hurt))

[RAI]

Hurt,

I just read up on your sitch. I am going through very similar. I am in the same house and BR with my WAW. She is still in contact with OM. I know exactly the hard time you are having.

I agree with Toots. You must get a L ASAP. You need to know your rights. In the meantime, there is a very short book about the 10 most common mistakes men make in a D. Even if you are not planning on D, you should read it pronto. It is possible that your W will serve you D papers in the next while and you need to be prepared. A few short days ago you were still focused on R, but you cannot deny that your W is taking steps to separate. She seems to be positioning herself to extricate herself from your M. examples: trying to recruit your ILs, asking you to leave, etc... Denial is a recipe for disaster. You need to detach and look out for your best interests.

I think this has been drilled into you already, but just in case: DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. On a related matter, do you really thing your W has the wherewithal to leave with the children? How does she propose to do it? What will she tell the children? It seems like an immature plan. I would keep communication abut these things to a minimum. Right now, the less you say, the better. Still, you need to know your rights.

best of luck,

RAI

[Hurt06]

Update

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support. The big talk came today and several more lies were uncovered as well as the fact that W spoke to attorney last week. Claiming that it was only a consult and no money was exchanged. I quick phone call confirmed that to be a lie and money was paid and I am on the conflict list.

In-laws, just as predicted were telling me that I have to move out because its easier for me as a single man instead of her with the children which she refuses to leave. Separation seems know unavoidable and R is completely the last thing on the three of there minds as her health issues are all my fault and I am the problem. There solution is for immediate separation whether its the W moving out with the children and me funding her apartment and expenses in hopes that she is able the physically get better and then after some undefined period of time she may or may not want to work on R. Or, I move out. If this is not something I am willing to do then she will be filing for divorce.

In all Honesty I am speechless for them to think that I would agree to any of the "terms" that were put on the table. I simply stated that I respect the W's decision that she needs space and she is free to do what she needs to do for herself. I have sought much counsel from my therapist, our pastors, previous counselors and and marriage coaches, and other Christain men. I explained to them that not one person thinks that me leaving the house is the answer. And it doesn't feel right in my heart. No Christain men can find any Biblical reason that I need to leave the house and send a message to the children that Dad is living somewhere else. The In-laws and W continued to tell me that my presence in the house is hurting the children and driving the W's health further into dangerous territory. I would just like to also point out that the Doctors cannot find anything wrong with my W. We have had countless tests run, endoscopy's, blood work, etc. The tests all comeback neg. There are some hormonal issues but she refuses to stick with any medical advice or medicine to get better. We ended the conversation with I respect everyones views and all I want is whats best for our family.

Later in the afternoon her dad and I were having a beer and the subject came up about the lies that were told during out discussion and that she had admitted the A but none of the pertinent details, Such as the last time I gave her space the man came into my house and she dated him the whole time we were separated when she was supposed to be seeing the MC and IC weekly. He almost fell out of his chair with a deer in the headlights look. He said that changes a lot and wants me to disclose all the details to her mom in front of W to get everything out on the table to be able to see what needs to be done.

I think that part of the conversation was against DB'ing but we just stubbled into it. I am very close to her Dad and we are in alot of ways much closer than my real dad. He considers me one of his own. This has been very hard on the whole family.

I started making calls today and will have a L hopefully by the end of tomorrow.
Its sad to say that I am forced to move into protection mode but as everyone is telling me. "she has checked out"

I'll stick to DB'ing and while continue to hold to my beliefs and the Lord.

[HopefulStill]

I don't see anything wrong in your conversation with your FIL. Your wife's health issues are likely due to the turmoil within her, not something that you are causing. She is ripping her family in two and the guilt must be killing her.

You have to be the strong one for your family, your wife is letting emotion dictate her path right now, and our emotions are never a good guide. Once the affair bubble bursts, your wife will begin to see more clearly, and logically.

HS

[Hurt06]

More conflict.....in-laws have moved into "you don't love her or the kids" mode and are furious that I will not leave the home or pay for her to leave the home with the kids. They want me to move out and continue to pay every expense for my W with no timeline and no expectation that the marriage will ever be saved. If this is not executed almost immediately W is filing for D and I am choosing to punish my kids by forcing W to file D.

I not really sure who the children are at this point. I have never seen or had any adult talk to me is such a disrespectful way or act more like a child and I am am not talking about my W. I realize that she is upset but this entire sitch is outa control.

I have done a ton of things wrong in my marriage but I do not deserve to be treated or talked to like this. And the weird part is I actually feel terrible. I guess its just hard to see our entire family being tortured by the selfish acts of the W.

I don't have any words......

[pilot]

Very tough situation with the in-laws Hurt, and I wish I had experience to draw from which could help. Fortunately for me my in-laws have been very kind and supportive through out this process. Now I in no way think they will favor me over her but everything has been good to this point.

That being said, do you know if your in-laws know about your wife's affair? If they do then you can politely suggest if she needs financial help that perhaps he might be the one she seeks it from. Then again, that is my passive aggressive side You might just politely disagree with their position and remind them that you are living in the family home and your kids will remain in the family home. If their daughter wants to leave the family or take time out from the family she is free to do so. Or you can just brush it off because ultimately you are not going to convince them of anything.

Hate it for you, and wish you the best...

[Sotto]

Hurt, I'm no vet and maybe wait to hear from one before you do this. But if your in-laws do not know about the A, you may want a short calm statement to tell them.

I'm sorry you feel that way. But W has chosen to become involved with someone else and disprespected the sanctity of our marriage. I am not moving myself or our children out of our family home as a result of her infidelity.

[Hurt06]

Any Vets have any thoughts about this sitch?

The in-laws know about the A....not sure they realize the A is with a D attorney

[Cadet]

They want me to move out and continue to pay every expense for my W with no timeline and no expectation that the marriage will ever be saved.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Any idea what you will be required to pay after a divorce?

I think she should move out!