Ugh journaling. So I haven't been well so my mom came round to keep an eye on baby. I fell asleep on the couch and was woke up by my H coming in. Thing is he woke me from a dream, and in my dream we were like dating or something- more like a flash back of our memories fooling around having a road trip messing around on a beach or something. For a minute its like I completely forgot our sitch. Then he moodily says he's getting changed and going out. And BOOM it hits me. And it feels as though I have just been told the BD all over again.
This hurts, hurts, hurts. So rather than turn pathetic. I'm sat in my room. Holding in the tears- trying to act poised- he is most probably out with the other woman so don't want the last thing he saw of me as many. Gonna keep absolute cool and happy looking til he walks out the door. I'm tempted to tell him I'm gonna go out myself. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Maybe it's cause I'm not well or something, or crazy sleep deprived but I can't deal with this BS no more. I'm fed up of being a back up. He says he needs to decide between us, but she is on a pedestal and he only has time for her. And I don't get why he has to be such a d*ck about everything. I asked how he was in just a polite friendly way and get barked back that he is sh*t as usual. He is in self distruct mode!! I just don't get how he seemed to come out of it and realise he faults for like a day and say he is gonna change and then boom he is straight back in it. I know it's not my problem- and focus on me. But oh my oh my!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, hang in there! He is the fool, right? You are the one only a fool would leave, right? Celebrate yourself with a good movie or puzzle (ok, i like puzzles, not everyone does). I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you zephyr, I am- I know I am. And I know I am more of a woman than this ow. She is a pair of ears and a mouth telling him the stuff he wants to hear. I told him i was going out (white lie, no way I am- been sick all day but he don't need to know that). He asked where, I said why? He got a little angry and said "alone" so I said no, I'll meet some mates. Probably wrong, but I dunno, I didn't wanna seem like he breezes in for literally 5 mins and I am sat here needy looking. Helllll naaaa. I just hope him thinking I'm going out makes him do something stupid but - I can't control him. I guess I'll get baby to bed, then have a pamper evening. Face mask, nails. Pedicure. And then a nice internet shopping spree I think.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Retail therapy is becoming too much of an addiction I think!! You never know what you're gonna get from them really do you?! I guess that is the beauty of detachment- need to work on it somemore
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
he gets in, comes to say hi. I'm cheery enough, he asks me a question. I answer perfectly fine in a relaxed tone. He leaves the room in a complete mood telling me I don't need to be a d*ck. I struggle to see how it could ever be perceived as that!! Is it script that a WS has no patience at times for their spouse? He is so up and down- one minute he will make out he cares about me- the next he is biting my head off.. !! Seriously need to sleep and pray tomorrow is better!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, I just made a long post on Pyrite's thread. I found a way to put into words something that's been in my head for a long time. Check it out, and afterwards my next comment will make sense:
He's so used to exchanging poor behavior he's not sure how to handle what you're doing. He's expecting something else, and he's prepared for arguments and hostility, so he's coming in with guns loaded to every exchange. He's not quite sure what to make of what you're doing.
Now- can you be strong enough to keep responding the way you are despite what he does back? If so you MIGHT be able to break this cycle. Doesn't mean you don't have boundaries, just means you don't change your behavior and excuse it by his. Make sense?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I get ya! I read your model and it was great, made a lot of sense. And your right, it does become a habit. I guess it's going to take longer than a couple weeks for him to realise that me being happy and not responding to his moods is a genuine change. I've bit my tongue a lot so far not to rise to it- and God willing will continue. He is confused by the fact I'm so relaxed- he has mentioned that to me already.
Positivity I guess. Take each day as it comes. Trying to think what GALing I can do on this rainy day today.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
you did great staying poised!