gan 6 - return to human be-ing

[gan]

Just back from Easter weekend with the family. It as a nice weekend but my head was elsewhere a lot of the time. Finally able to post my replies to your earlier comments. Hope everyone had a great Easter weekend (or regular old weekend if Easter isn’t your thing).

… … …
Calibri: I've not read NMMNG but I get the premise of the book based on what I read here. Yes, I think he probably is a Nice Guy. Am I going to have to make the decision? Maybe. No rush just yet though as we can’t file for another month or so. I do need to make the decision to re-commit to moving forward with my life. Thanks for sharing your story re sending letters. I do wonder how things would have played out had I taken this approach from the beginning and not allowed us to go so long in between contact….

Jim: once again you came to the rescue with your words. Even in my darkest hour you made me laugh with your remark about the UK. It's a great quality, Jim. Thanks for sharing it with me and others on the forum.

Toots: actually I still don't get the impression that there was an OW at BD (could be wrong of course). My take on the stare is that he was annoyed that I keep asking if there was an OW at BD (to be clear, this is only the second time - the first was at BD). If there was no OW I can see how the suggestion would be offensive. On the dating front, he didn't sound super enthusiastic about things, though he may just be keeping it on the down low since he was talking to me.

Vanilla: yes, I think H is re-writing some of our history though he did acknowledge that we had some good times and also makes a lot of sense about how unhappy we were. He often exclaims - gee, we saw our R completely differently...like I thought everything was all peachy, while he saw it as less so. In truth, like many here I was probably a WAW who never walked because I loved my H, acknowledged that no R would be perfect and resigned myself to carrying on. For a lot of the time I felt like I was walking on eggshells whilst wading through a pool of sludge. But I never would have described myself as globally unhappy in my M, just unhappy about specific areas that I felt we needed to work on. Unfortunately I was too focussed on how H was contributing to these problem areas (e.g. by withdrawing and avoiding the issues) rather than seeing my own role in the dynamic (e.g. controlling, bringing home work stress, not wearing my giraffe ears…) Lot’s of regrets rolling around at the moment.

Maybell: Gaslighting? Interesting thought. I'm not sure if H was deliberately trying to misrepresent things or if he himself is confused. If it was deliberate then it was wasted on me - I'm wasn't left questioning my version of events. But something to keep an eye on if I interact with him again.

Zelda: If I met this cloudy person on a date would I be impressed? I find that a hard question to answer. He’s clearly hurt by the course of events and I have a lot of compassion for that. I think he would come across differently if we were dating.

Toots, Gg: My sisters in prolonged periods of NC. Sigh. The only other LBW I've come across who seems to have faced a similar scenario is Labug. Are there others that you know of?

Zeus/Zues: Thanks for stopping by. Not sure that you became negative so much as less hopeful in your sitch...and that happened at a time when I was trying to stay hopeful in mine. But I'm glad to see you back on the boards.

Wonka: I get the impression you lurk a bit here as you pop up every now and then when I don’t expect it. Vets seem to come and go on my thread (MrBond, Labug) but they never seem to get very involved. I’ve always wondered why that is… Do things just seem...hopeless?

... ... ...
And a few more thoughts now that I've had more time to reflect on our meetup:
- H sounded pretty resolute that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me. I know most of you have been here before and you've managed to keep on keeping on. This was a first for me. At BD he "didn't know what the outcome would be.”
- seems like H might not have actually researched D yet as he referred to June as the date we can file when actually you can file something like 28 days before the 12 month anniversary after separation
- he sounded like he may have been tearful when I called him back (as was I). But I suppose that's not surprising - surely most WAS grieve the R even if it was their decision to leave?
- I am not happy with the way I conducted myself the other night. I managed to STFU to a point but then the reptile brain kicked in when I felt H slipping away. I became flooded and said things I shouldn't have (which resulted in him feeling like I was blaming him and no doubt triggered negative emotions in him). I really need to address this. I need to get back into my yoga and meditation practice and be more self-aware. I slipped when I went to Europe.
- I think my optimistic nature is interfering with my ability to accept the situation for what it is. I've spent the last few days trying to remind myself of H's words (he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me) whenever feelings of hope return

[jim0987]

Hi Gan. Happy Easter.

I'm going to take a wild swing at the vets commenting thing. I notice that for the most part they tend to filter out to the people they can connect with and who really benefit from their guidance.

Whenever someone needs help with scripting and validation Wonka appears, if someone is wrestling with wet noodle then starsky is normally around. Labug and Underdog really seem to be cheerleaders for that introspection and self improve journey. And so on...

I think its something like that saying about help will appear when you are ready to receive it. (Anyways I suspect they read a lot more than they post and if you are reading then a big Thank you to all)

One thing that is common is that the more contact with the WAS there is, the more people can give views and advice.

So back to you. Well there's a lot of positive to say about you which you can learn just from your posts. Given the way you don't contact him , lead a interesting life and have improved as a person then to me that says your situation is more about him than you or your M.

And unfortunately there's no advice we can give you to deal with his issues.

I appreciate this all might sound a bit pessimistic or like I'm saying its hopeless but its not. Just saying that you can only control one side of the equation.

As for the optimism, well that's a good thing. But see if you can shift its focus to be optimistic about YOU and YOUR future irrespective of your H. You'll be fine and it'll be good because you already are and it already is.

By the way the UK is beautifully sunny at the moment.

[Calibri]

... ... ...
And a few more thoughts now that I've had more time to reflect on our meetup:

- H sounded pretty resolute that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me. I know most of you have been here before and you've managed to keep on keeping on. This was a first for me. At BD he "didn't know what the outcome would be.”

AT BD, I got don't know the outcome. Then two weeks later I got the "no way we're getting back together" and then I got "I'm open to whatever happens in the future" and then lather, rinse repeat. For six months. That's just my sitch, and I attribute it alot to H's depression and people pleasing and just inability to make a decision in life right now.

Now, having said that -- with the amount of NC, your H may indeed be resolute that he doesn't want a romantic relationship. Can you remind me why you went so long between contact? If I remember correctly, didn't he suggest it?

- seems like H might not have actually researched D yet as he referred to June as the date we can file when actually you can file something like 28 days before the 12 month anniversary after separation

I wouldn't read too much into this. My H dropped bomb #768743523497 in MC that he was going to file for divorce from me, in October, and that he thought that, "I should know." And my retort was....we have to be separated for a year before you can do that. And when my MIL said the same thing to me? That was my same retort. Maybe they just make assumptions, maybe they don't know. Maybe they are clueless.

- I am not happy with the way I conducted myself the other night. I managed to STFU to a point but then the reptile brain kicked in when I felt H slipping away. I became flooded and said things I shouldn't have (which resulted in him feeling like I was blaming him and no doubt triggered negative emotions in him). I really need to address this. I need to get back into my yoga and meditation practice and be more self-aware. I slipped when I went to Europe.

Address with him or yourself?

- I think my optimistic nature is interfering with my ability to accept the situation for what it is. I've spent the last few days trying to remind myself of H's words (he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me) whenever feelings of hope return

*hug*

So, having thought over things, is there anything else you'd want to do, or do differently? I'm a no regrets type gal -- so I always think that way. Are you at peace with it all should the path continue this way?

[gan]

Thanks, Jim. What you say makes sense re the vets. And don't get me wrong - I am so grateful for everyone who stops by. Truly, you, Toots, V, LisaB, Gg, Calibri, Zelda mean a lot to me and I don't even know you! I just your inner most thoughts...

I know I will be ok. I just wanted our M to work out.

[Cadet]

I just wanted our M to work out.

I think most of us here felt that way.

[gan]

Can you remind me why you went so long between contact? If I remember correctly, didn't he suggest it?

Well, most advice on here is to not make contact. Now I suspect I may have had an easier time with NC than others without kids (read: I'm stubborn) and so days easily turned to months. There were a couple of times I reached out via text but that resulted in a non-response or decline for further contact. I've mostly let H do the driving.

Address with him or yourself?

Ha! The letter is drafted but not sent. Nah...I was mostly meaning me. Went to yoga tonight and reminded myself why I started in the first place.

So, having thought over things, is there anything else you'd want to do, or do differently? I'm a no regrets type gal -- so I always think that way. Are you at peace with it all should the path continue this way?

No I'm not at peace with it but I don't think I have many options left, do I?! I did draft a heart felt letter but I just don't get the impression he's open to hearing my perspectives. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I'm off to Tanzania next week so most likely will do nada till after then. Next step will probably be to meet with a L sadly.

[gan]

There was an article in the newspaper the past weekend titled "Living solo in [city where I live]: successful women and lonely men"

"Women who live alone, particularly those younger than under 40, tend to be well-educated, have professional jobs and earn high incomes. By contrast, men who live alone, particularly middle-aged men, are less educated and earn lower incomes than other men. They are also twice as likely not to work at all."

Great.

I was especially delighted to learn that I now fit into the demographic category known as "lone-person household".

Also great.

[jim0987]

Enough with the middle aged, though having said that I realise I'm about to start entering veterans age groups at my squash club.

you should know you also fit into the demographic of highly intelligent globe trotting professionals (who get excellent feedback on their courses)

Tend is the key word, averages and relative calculations can be really misleading plus there is a whole load of causal factors not discussed, for example (and i dont believe this but its an example) if the only thing women tended to find attractive was income then you'd get exactly that finding.

Besides if/when you do start looking then you only need one.... And things will find a way to make sure you find him

[Zelda09]

Ah. Yes. It can feel dismal looking out at the future.

I know I have a few friends who are in this demographic - one or two that are relentlessly picky, quick to find something wrong with every male, hearts closed hard. They have come out of heart break, also.

The key words here in your study are 'most' - look at this forum! There are plenty of men here who have a lot to offer who also got their hearts broken. Divorced men, men who've been single all their life - they're all out there and not all losers, lol.

And you my friend - well, you're a world traveler who I believe will come out of this strong and with a heart open. Don't give up on yourself. I am also scared, and I know what it feels like to be this age thinking, "now what?"

But there was a special moment on my way home (brief hijack, warning) I pulled over and started bawling my eyes out, realizing how things really could never be the same again, how I was truly done, just tremendous emotion. And then - my FB messenger started going off with a friend of a friend asking for me to give him lessons. So out of the blue. I'll admit that in all of my thoughts of the future w/o H, this dude is the first face I picture - he's funny, hot, driven, seems genuinely at home in his own skin, and I love the way I feel around him the few times we've ran into each other socially - I laugh so easily and he has such a bright and kind spirit. I've imagined in my darkest times in DR that this dude is the kind of person I want to draw toward me when I am ready. (I'm no where near ready.) But it was incredible, as I was crying tears of letting go, after all afternoon reading articles about what it is to be with someone who 100% wants you - that at that moment I had the randomest contact from him.

I share this because I think the universe does really give back to us what we choose to manifest, and the signs will be there, the doors will open when we are ready to close other rooms.

I believe in you, Gan! You have done the kind of introspection most people barely touch on, and I believe you'll be richly rewarded in happiness for the future. May you never have another year of waiting on one foot.

It strikes me that in a lot of these situations where piecing was successful, the LBS truly gave up and dropped the rope. Not all of our WAS return even with a rope dropped, that is a certainty. Try to understand nothing you do or don't do will make your H return to you, and if he does, it's his choice alone - and yours finally, if you still want him if that should ever happen.

You did all you could. Go forth and prosper! Be radiant.

[Ggrass]

There was an article in the newspaper the past weekend titled "Living solo in [city where I live]: successful women and lonely men"

"Women who live alone, particularly those younger than under 40, tend to be well-educated, have professional jobs and earn high incomes. By contrast, men who live alone, particularly middle-aged men, are less educated and earn lower incomes than other men. They are also twice as likely not to work at all."

Great.

I was especially delighted to learn that I now fit into the demographic category known as "lone-person household".

Also great.

Bet it was full of adverts for dating sites!
The paper will print what ever it thinks people want to read, so what better thing to print single lonely stories. Then next week it will be success of net dating.

Cynical you bloody bet.