Onwards and upwards.

[25yearsmlc]

Sounds like a wonderful evening.


And you are creating it. Well done!

[Barry]

Afternoon all.

I've not had much time to update things over the last few days..I've been busying myself GAL , so here I am!
I'm doing much better now, and as always, you're encouragement, advice and kind words have been a real help to me.

As I briefly mentioned in an earlier post, I'm now ecstatic to be able to confirm that I DO have a way to get over my financial hurdles. I actually have three options available to me now (from just one unlikely one just a week ago!!). There are pros and cons with all three, but I have a week or so to wait until the third option is clarified so no major decision needs to be made right now.
It's nice to know that I won't lose my home, even though I'm still losing my W.

I've had NC with her other than to let her know by text that I will be able to take her up on the offer. Polite response back just saying thanks for letting her know. She needs time to be able to find somewhere to live too so I said I'd keep her up to date with things.

I haven't filed for D as yet, it's probably going to be next week, once I confirm which option of the three I'm going with. I'm not looking forward to that but it has to be done. Timescale wise, it's looking like around 8 weeks before I can have the consent order filed and approved by the courts - at which time, she can have her money and move out of my house.
I can go home then - I can't wait to have my own space back and spend more quality time with the kids. I've already started thinking about some plans for the house and a few things that I'm going to arrange with the kids to bring us closer again.

My weekend was amazing. I sorted out the above, and had a fab time with the kids on Sunday evening. We had a lovely meal, went bowling, played pool, air hockey...alsorts. I took some really nice photo's as I realised that there are very few recent ones of me and the kids on our own. I was predominantly the one who took the photos as they were growing up so I have loads of WW with them. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely photo's of them with their Mum but I just wanted some of us on our own.

My sister told me about an app where you can get 45 photos per month for just the price of shipping. She's used it for a long time and has hundreds. They are brilliant quality. I got 10 completly free so they are on their way, and I'm going to have lots printed over the next few months. We have lots of family photo's but many are stored digitally (I will be giving WW a copy of all of them). I'm going to pick a few of my favourites and have them enlarged on canvas's etc for when I re-decorate the house. I'm actually getting some for WW too, of her and the kids - maybe a family one too that she can take to her new place. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

There is something else too.

I will admit that I joined a few of the more well known dating sites about a week ago. Not so much to actively look for a date (I was actually seeing if WW was on any of them - she's not, or at least not under her real name or photo) and I've put against my profiles that I'm just looking to make new friends. That is true after all. I have used my name and photo so of course, maybe she will hear about it but hey, she's fired me as her husband so doesn't really have a say in what I do now.

Anyway, on Sunday, a very attracive woman messaged me saying hi, and we've been chatting since then. I'm extremly flattered that a woman that looks like she does is interested in me, and it's put a real spring in my step to be honest. We haven't discussed dating at all, we've just been talking about our lives in general. I have talked a little about my sitch so she knows that it's all still fresh. She's around my age, and sounds really interesting and kind. I'm very tempted to ask her to meet for a coffee (in the daytime) to see her in person. Ultimatly, it is only coffee but it could potentially cause problems if WW finds out.

Thoughts on this guys?

Barry.

[Barry]

I decided not to by the way guys, I'm not ready.

[Sotto]

Wise choice Barry. All in good time, and much in the way of fun and new experiences to be had in the meantime.

Have a good Easter! :-)

[Barry]

Just a quick post to say there's nothing to update regarding the sitch. My WW continues to act as if I've disappeared off the face of the Earth. I don't know how she does it. It's heartbreaking but I have no more tears left.

I've had a nice few days over Easter, saw all the kids as usual at the weekends and sorted them all out with things they needed - yet another car for my S18!, mobile phone for S13, cash for S20 (typical student), and it was a lovely sunny day here today so I picked my D16 up and we went for a long drive in the country with the top down, and had lunch in the park.
I've visited friends and family and also arranged with SIL that I'll go and visit in a couple of weeks time to see my nieces.
Looking forward to that.

Although it was really nice today, I couldn't help wishing that W were with me so I was a little sad. I didn't let D16 see. I couldn't help thinking it would have been a perfect day to visit a quaint village we used to go to, and sit by the river eating ice creams. Those were the days my friend we thought they'd never end...sigh.

I'm told W and her BFF are going off for tattoo's tomorrow, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they were matching ones. I know I shouldn't have an opinion or let any of this bother me any more, I don't even know why it does. I think it's partly because tomorrow will be a year to the day when I asked the BFF to back off (whilst we were separated), and the day after, I moved home.
That's not going to happen this year.

I wasn't going to send anything for W's Bday but I think that looks like I'm bitter (which lets be fair, I still am).
I have a simple card for W, no soppy message inside etc, but I'm considering getting her a card with "Wife" on it instead - it'll be the last I give her. What do you guys think?

She'll be out on the town next weekend, so I've arranged to go and stay with friends in a different city.
I can't be standing around in the cold all night again. I don't think there's anything I can do at this stage that will help, but doing that again certainly won't.

I wish I could let go completely.

[Sotto]

Hi Barry, sounds like you're doing pretty well - and glad you had a good weekend, even though it was bittersweet at times.

Just my 0.2 on the card. I think it's fine to send one, but I certainly wouldn't send a 'wife' one. Maybe just a more neutral card, with a message to say 'many happy returns - enjoy yourself on your Birthday!' Or something similarly neutral.....

It takes time to let her go completely, but you've come a long way already, and if you read back over your early posts, you'll see that....

Take care, T :-)

[Barry]

Thanks for checking in on me Toots, I feel well enough in myself at the moment, I'm slightly nervous about the rollercoaster though.

Right now, I'm mentally preparing myself for the impending D proceedings and all of the heartache that it's going to cause. As I've said before, the thing that hurts the most is that my W shows no emotion whatsoever regarding our sitch - she's almost robotic in her extremly limited communication with me. It's like our lives together have had so little worth to her.
She can't or won't offer any comfort to me because she thinks (and she's probably right) that it will give me hope when there is none.

Many people have said to me that I don't know for sure that she's not upset, and that she could be crying herself to sleep at night over all of this. I admit that it's possible, but I think it's highly unlikely.
When I told her I'd be filing on the 15th April, I said she didn't have very long to stop me from doing it so to think about it carefully.
I realise this was temperature checking but at this stage, I don't need to check, it's sub-zero.

She's not going to stop me...I know that really but I needed to tell her that just if for my own sake.
I have to feel like I've given her every opportunity to call this off.

I think you're right about the card, I should keep it simple. That's the one I bought to start with so I should go with that.

I didn't mention this in my previous post but I know I'm nowhere near ready for dating because I went for dinner on Friday with an old friend from school (a divorced woman).

It wasn't a date, but it was a meal in a restaurant with a woman other than my W. It felt alien to me to sit there with no wedding ring on with another woman. There was no attraction on my part but she obviously felt differently as I recieved a text the next day with romantic overtones in it. I've spoken with her and said that although I'm flattered by it, I'm not in the right place for anything like that. She's fine with it and there's no awkwardness about it. I enjoyed seeing an old friend and the meal, it was a good exercise to see how it would be on a date. I wouldn't like it at this stage and maybe not for a long time to come.

One thing my friend did say to me is that she could see that I was doing well in detaching from W, but that when W does eventually meet someone else, it's still going to hurt. She's right, it will. I can't look at a photo or see W in person without still thinking of her as my woman. That day is going to come, and I just hope I'm strong enough to cope with it when it does.

I'd like to thank you (all) for your continued support. I still need it, even though my M is most probably a lost cause.
I do try to chip in on others sitch's where I feel it appropriate, but find it difficult to offer any really helpful advice to save a M.
I haven't been able to do that, but I am saving myself.

Take care, Barry.

[Kramer]

Keep working on yourself, Barry. You seem to be making good progress with detaching. It's so hard to do so "lovingly", without coming across as needy or pursuing. I think we all see the value in detachment for our own well being, but it is tough.

[Mozza]

Barry, you must have been missing me because it looks like you're baiting me to post.

I couldn't help thinking it would have been a perfect day to visit a quaint village we used to go to, and sit by the river eating ice creams. Those were the days my friend we thought they'd never end...sigh.

Could it be that your idealize the past? Those days were also very hard, with the separation and tension and bad sex an more. It's fine to remember the good times, but not if it takes us away from a fair assessment of the M. sandi2 also tells people that they shouldn't focus on how much they loved their WAS because it brings them no good. I know I've stopped because every time I do, I cry. Also, not repeating it helps to take some distance from it.

I'm told W and her BFF are going off for tattoo's tomorrow, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they were matching ones. I know I shouldn't have an opinion or let any of this bother me any more, I don't even know why it does.

I suspect it bothers you for two reasons. First, you idealize what is happening to your W. Second, you haven't created a fun life for yourself. You've seen what I wrote on my thread and on stacey9's. Instead of forcing you to do anything, can you think of what you really like doing and do a little more of that? Once you align your life with what you love, you can't envy anyone else's life.

I wasn't going to send anything for W's Bday but I think that looks like I'm bitter (which lets be fair, I still am).

No, it won't look like you're bitter. It will look like you're moving on which is exactly what you're supposed to do. She will not be pleased with your card, she will just see it, sigh and think: "He really can't let go. Poor guy." If, IF, you manage not to send anything, she MIGHT notice (maybe not) and have the beginning of a doubt that maybe you're not always, always trying to convince her to come back. Then she'll listen to you more.

As I've said before, the thing that hurts the most is that my W shows no emotion whatsoever regarding our sitch - she's almost robotic in her extremly limited communication with me. It's like our lives together have had so little worth to her.

It was the same for me and it's also what hurt me the most. She looked at me with complete indifference. It's one of the reasons I cut off almost all contacts because I don't want to face it again. I can see two reasons for that. The first one is that our WWs have detached months ago. For the, the S was the end of the road, for us it's the beginning. So don't think that it happened overnight. The second reason is that they see our emotions as manipulative. And in your case, they still are because you really try to convince her to come back. You're not detached and you look for words or actions that will bring her back.

When I told her I'd be filing on the 15th April, I said she didn't have very long to stop me from doing it so to think about it carefully. I realise this was temperature checking but at this stage, I don't need to check, it's sub-zero. She's not going to stop me...I know that really but I needed to tell her that just if for my own sake.

Barry, you're not supposed to say such things because it reduces your chances to R. I don't think that's clear to you. You seem to want to R very much, yet you do these things repeatedly. Reaching out to your W like this is needy and women are repulsed by neediness.

I recommend that your read the chapters 1 and 2 of Models, by Mark Manson. These chapters explain, based on research and experience, what attracts women. You really need to understand this deep down. Now you're acting like the desperate nerdy guy with big glasses in high school who keeps bringing gifts to the head cheerleader who told him No seventeen times in seventeen ways. There is no way your W will go for it. Every intervention sets you back further.

I have to feel like I've given her every opportunity to call this off.

You "have to feel" it? Then you can feel it right now because you have done it. She knows perfectly she can come back anytime and that's why she's leaving without fear. If it gets cold out there, if she sees you in a new light, if she realizes you're a catch, she knows you'll drop everything for her. She's free to explore the world safely then! For sure, she won't come back and realize that another woman has realized what a wonderful man you are and she'll be stuck with the leftovers.

I'd like to thank you (all) for your continued support. I still need it, even though my M is most probably a lost cause.

Well, you haven't been helping it with your begging and pleading to your W, but it's not a lost cause. You just can't judge it at this stage. Your sitch looks like any other sitch, it's just more real to you. But believe me, the sitches of Labug, 25yearsmlc, T0324, Train and all other vets who reconciled also looked this bad in the middle. Stop thinking and saying that it's a lost cause.

You're doing a lot of things right, Barry. You seem to be taking good care of your kids. Your ideas are clear about finance and the future. You just need to get your interactions with your WAW under control and you'll be a stellar DBer, saving yourself and leaving options open for the M. Go for it!

[Train]

^^^^ x 2.