I'm not 100% on your sitch but couldn't help but notice some recent similarities.
My H was gone to us and pretty absent in the first few months.
Then he started reaching out about things we used to talk about. I ignored it because I didnt want him to cake eat. I still didn't have the DB thing down.
Anyway when the boys started basketball where we had to be around each other a couple hours a week I started to experiment. I would smile at him from across the court (this was about a month in) before that I kind of let him take the lead but I was fun laughed and had a good one and so did he. Then I experimented with not engaging - he was an a*s!!
Who knows what this is from your H. It may be nothing or there may be trouble in paradise and he's seeing if you're receptive to him being friendly. Just thought I would play Devils advocate a little
I'll keep this up for a while and monitor results (if any)......
I think this is the best plan all the way around. Who wouldn't like to speculate on these new developments? It would make good chatter with a bottle of wine (or two). But probably unproductive as hell and a waste of a bottle of wine!
You're a pretty savvy DBer. No matter what the outcome is, you're a winner in my books. Trust me, this skill will come in handy when your daughters get to the age where you're on opposite sides of the planet.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Texted a little back and forth today with STBX about D7 and her soccer camp. He was pretty chatty and gave me a fairly full description of how her offensive vs defensive skills were coming. Probably the longest text I've gotten since BD. Will continue on and see if anything develops.
So I do have an issue that I've been thinking through and I'm not sure entirely how to approach......
I know in an earlier thread, I mentioned that STBX has started chewing tobacco again (D7 relayed this bit of info). My MIL and I discussed it when she was here a few weeks ago and she said "I bet he's smoking again too". Apparently before we met and dated he was a full on smoker....I never knew this (I had the impression that in his youth he smoked at the occasional party). Sorry to offend anyone here, but my grandfather died a miserable death from long cancer after smoking a daily pack of Lucky Strikes for most of his life, and I have strong, negative opinions about that particular habit.
So, much to my horror, last weekend, D7 started to pantomime that she was smoking, including a blissful expression as she inhales and a spot on imitation of the exhale - quite the miniature Bette Davis. She doesn't watch any movies or television where people smoke. There's no parents at any of her extracurricular activities that smoke. So that leaves two possibilities - either she's getting it from the other kids at school (who are hopefully just pretending), or she's seeing it at her Dad's. Remember when I was griping about how they always insist on doing all the girl's laundry with the smelly detergent? Suddenly, that little detail seems more sinister.
Of course - I asked D7 where she had seen people smoke, and went so far as to ask if she had seen her dad smoking and she insisted she had just been watching people do it in cars that drive by. And honestly, she seemed pretty uncomfortable. There was too much detail in her imitation for the car story to check out.
So, I'm not sure how to approach this. This is one area, where I don't remotely care if STBX gets mad should I bring it up- but based on his recent track record, if I ask, I'm pretty sure he would just lie to me.
I was thinking of telling him about D7's pantomime and saying something like "Of course, we don't want D7 to get the idea that there is anything glamorous about smoking - so I just wanted to make sure you were aware so that you could help reinforce the message".
Well, I've read and re-read and came to the same conclusion both times so I guess I'll say what I'm gonna say.
First of all, my MIL passed away in 2004 from a heart attack caused by her emphysema. She was on O2 as long as I knew her. It was an ugly death, she was emaciated, and as far as deaths go (I've seen plenty during my 10 years as a hospice volunteer), this was really hideous. My own parents smoked heavily, and because of that, I do not choose to endorse the filthy habit. I have friends that smoke, and I honor their choices. But I have a smoke free house, smoke free car, and a smoke free work place. I also will not date smokers.
That being said, I would leave him out of it, cease mind reading and just keep your communications open with her. For the past few years, there have been some horrifying PSC commercials out there - the guy with the stoma that talks about shaving difficulties (using the vibrator to talk); the woman Sherrie who was a cheerleader in high school who looked like a barely alive skeleton and ultimately died. Use those commercials as a talking point with your D7. While my D21 is an athlete and despises smoking, those commercials really made an impression on her.
Keep your fight in your own house. Otherwise, it's stepping into the realm of "none of your business". She's your business, and the only thing you can do is educate her if you really and truly think you need to do that.
My sister used to hide my mom's cigarettes all the time. We both hated having our small smoke filled house. Neither one of us EVER wanted to smoke. Yet we did the pantomines as well. We bought those candy cigarettes (WHO thought that was a good idea???) and pretended all the time. It never translated into a desire to migrate to the real thing. Chill.
So in case this isn't clear, I vote for you not to bring this up to him. It seems a little OTT and controlling. Not to mention a wee bit judgmental.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
LOL. Now that you mention it, I did the candy cigarettes too! Fair Enough. I'll let it go.
And anyway - when push comes to shove - I know that he knows its an awful habit.....I was truly stunned to learn that he used to smoke at all, which is part of the reason its been on the brain a lot.
I'm still getting used to the "None of My Business " thing. I understand it - but I'm still in the habit of thinking all things child related are my business. I know that's not the case.
But, wait guys. Raliced, are you thinking he's smoking in front of the girls, as in, they are breathing second-hand smoke? That's serious stuff to me.
X2
i know there's this whole 'not your business' stuff (which I admit I am really no good at) but there are some things that are and if you truly believe this is a significant possibility I would investigate however you can and approach this without sounding accusatory. Sometimes it's not what we say but how we say it
You know RPP, I did consider it. There was a time, when I would have said "STBX would never do that", and of course now I have a little voice in my head that says "You never thought he would cheat and walk out either!"
But....I still really can't see him doing that. And frankly, if that much smoking was going on, all the laundry detergent in the world wouldn't be able to hide it. I'm sure the smell would cling to their skin and hair somewhat. I thought, that if he is smoking, he is probably sneaking outside occasionally.
I'm still going to keep the possibility in mind though. If they were breathing second hand smoke routinely, I agree it would merit a discussion.
And on another quick topic. I set up a Cozi calendar with STBX and was filling it out for the next few months. I sent him a message asking if he was going to take Father's Day off and which week he wanted to take with the girls (this was part of the custody agreement - we each get at least a week in the summer to take the girls on vacation if we want). He replied that he "didn't know anything about it". Apparently he didn't pay any attention to that part - even though he had to sign off on it? I know this is a recurrent theme that I see on other people's sitches, but I really don't get how nonchalant and disengaged he is about all of the details of divorce. It baffles me.
I've spent the morning texting back and forth with STBX. He has both girls and will be returning them this afternoon (Yay!). Both last week and this week - D3 has started vomiting while at his house. He was trying to figure out what was causing it, mentioned that the house was spotless etc. My guess is there is some sort of allergen in the air that is really abundant where they live right now?
So first off, this is just part of divorce that blows. I hate that my children sleep elsewhere during the week - and knowing that they are sick while I am not around exacerbates it. Does it ever stop feeling unnatural? Gah!
And this circumstance kind of brings up two things...
I've been mulling around the topic that came up on my thread earlier this week. When it comes to the kids and they are in their father's care - when is something my business and when is it not? I guess I feel that anything that has to do with the health and well being of my minor children is my business. (And I'm not really talking about the smoking thing here - I accept that I was probably making a mountain out of a molehill on that one and my evidence was pretty flimsy anyway).
When I try and envision what a future as "co-parents" would look like - this is one area that seems pretty muddy.
And - I want to give STBX credit here - he does seem to proactively tell me when they are sick and basically asks me what he should do. And that brings me to the other topic that bothers me.
The "none of my business" thing pops up because I really have no idea about what goes on at their house and for obvious reasons STBX is not very forthcoming. However, honestly, for most things that require a child related decision- STBX seems to want to defer to me. For example, when I ask a question about how he would like to handle something on the schedule, the answer is inevitably "whatever you want" or "whatever you think is best" or even "I will defer to you". I've tried phrasing the questions differently, asking open ended questions, not even asking the questions, directly saying "No, STBX it is your choice" and the end result is always the same.
This is what he did during the marriage. The fact that he didn't want to own any decisions was a huge source of frustration for me, that I addressed directly many times. And then after BD, I remember saying to my DB coach that it felt like he always wanted me to drive the bus and that now he was upset about where I drove us. I guess I'm a little worried that the same thing will happen now - that he will expect me to make all the kid decisions and then resent me for doing so.
I'm not very articulate today - I hope this makes sense.
