Lorelai: My waking life

[Lorelai]

My old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539156&page=1

Quick rundown:
• 03/13- My youngest daughter is born. H. tells me when she's six weeks old he isn't happy.
• 4/13-7/13- Walking on eggshells while being home with a newborn and toddler. H says he's committed though and even though we never really sit down and "talk" about our problems (he comes from a very passive-agressive, non-communicative family), I assume we'll be OK no matter what.
• Late 7/13-After months of battling both depression and ppd, my children's pediatrician strongly suggests medication, which I had resisted for years. I go on it.
• 8/13- Wake up one morning and can totally feel the difference. Have't felt like this in years.
• 8/13-12/13-Things are better with me and H. We go out for my birthday in Sept. and over drinks I ask if we can talk about our issues, the depression, etc., the fact that I am better and what this means for our marriage. He refuses and says he doesn't want to talk about it.
• 12/13- Extremely stressed over the holidays. Completely lose it on H old-school Lorelai-style— the way I was before medication. Can't keep it together. See OB first of the year and get the meds increased.
• 1/14- After a day of being really snippy and mean and nasty to me all day, I finally ask H one Sunday afternoon what's wrong. He starts crying and I get the "I'm not happy" all over again.
• 1/14-???-Enter Superwife. Not only do I finally have the depression and anxiety under control, but I start taking over a majority of the childcare, I reboot my struggling career, I make contacts with colleagues H has suggested I contact about work for years, but I was too scared because of the anxiety, I actually feel happier than ever. I decorate and beautify the house... enjoy my time with the kids... everything seems perfect except my marriage. H never snaps out of it. The changes are all too little, too late. I wish I had made them when he first said he was unhappy after our second baby was born, but honestly, while I own my mistakes, I was so out of it after having a C-section and caring for a newborn and 2 1/2 year old that strategies for fixing my marriage were the last thing on my mind.
• 5/14- Get referred to an AWESOME IC through my OB who has me read about co-dependence and children of alcoholics. Because she's about to stop taking my insurance, we work almost double time to August to get me to where I need to be emotionally.
8/14- H comes with me to the last session with IC so she can fill him in on all the work she's being dong with me and what I'll be doing moving forward to work on myself. We don't really discuss the actual M or BD in this appointment. Still, I think H being there means he wants to work on our M. I am wrong.
• 10/14- H is mean and nasty to me for pretty much the entire month straight: Me: "Want to go apple picking with me and the kids today, H?" H "Why would I want to do THAT?" And so on, and so on...
• 11/14- I ask H to move out. The situation of him being here and every "talk" turning into another BD was making me absolutely insane.
• 11/14-present- H is living with my MIL. I'm home with the kids. He takes them to MIL's two days during the week, then spends Saturdays here with them.

So what's new? I saw a L about two weeks ago. He was very down to earth and put my mind at ease in terms of finances, etc. I would feel more comfortable if we ended up D if I had a full-time job first, and H has said he would wait for that (he has not seen a L yet or filed anything) but the L I saw said I could file right now if I wanted to and still be OK financially, even though I work as a freelancer and the work can be unsteady at times. One of the things that's frustrating though is both H and I struggled with our careers through most of the M. We're in the same field and it's not the most lucrative. My dream was to make enough freelancing where I could have flexibility for the kids and still make enough to contribute to the household. H meanwhile always wanted to make more money and even the L I saw could not BELIEVE we had survived on such low salaries in the first few years of our M. It was definitely stressful. But now that H. is gone, he's making decent money and my freelance work is literally falling from the sky. If I got another project or assignment tomorrow, I'd have to turn it down. What I'm saying is if H were to come back and work on our marriage, we'd finally be in the place financially we'd always dreamed of, and the kids our healthy, our little home is lovely--everything is in place--but he insists he wants a D and that is going to rip everything apart instead. I'm trying to not focus on all the "what ifs" and not stress too much about when I'll land a full-time job and just live day to day. I didn't do that in my M--I was constantly stressed and worried about the future and the 'what ifs" and that's not how I want to live my life anymore. I don't want to totally stick my head in the sand and ignore the situation either though, so that's why I saw a L, just to get some information.
Sorry about the ramble. I want to get into the habit of posting more regularly here because it not only helps to write out my thoughts, even if I don't have any advice to offer (and I don't feel qualified to offer much advice at this point) I know reading people's stories helped me feel less alone and I want to do the same for others.
More to post. Will update later.

[Lorelai]

Got completely and what was probably irrationally angry at H this morning. I have a ton of projects to finish for work today and the plan was for him to come to the house and get the kids or hang out with them there. He called to say his brakes were giving him trouble and he didn't want to wear them down too much so could I bring the kids to his mother's house. I was glad he didn't want to drive if his brakes needed to be checked, but I was annoyed because he mentioned needing his brakes checked earlier in the week and having to bring them to him was going to be a bit of an inconvenience for me. I don't understand why, when he's living comfy cozy at his mom's, only having the kids two or three days a week, no overnights, he can't find time to get his brakes checked. Do you have any IDEA all the things I could get done if my week involved two or three days without the kids? (though I would miss them terribly!) I somehow ended up overwhelming myself trying to get everyone out the door, not taking deep breaths, forgetting all the things I've learned in this process so far, yelling and being grumpy as I was getting the kids ready... and being tearful and sad as I dropped them off with H. I had to go in and use the bathroom and then I sat down for a minute to talk about the schedule, what they had in the diaper bag, etc. and he was just like BYE!

When did I become so repulsive to this man? How did it get this bad? Every dark and horrible thought I've ever had about myself, thoughts I've had inside since childhood when my mom abused me, he now thinks of me. It's hard to hold my head up high and say "That's not who I am" when the person I love and trusted with all my heart says "Yes it is."

I hate him. Back to work. I only have a limited time before I have to get the kids...

[EyeTie]

Keep your head up. I was the same way until my W left. I was constantly doing projects around the house, working, playing on the computer, watching TV, etc to be bothered with our kids. My kids are 6 and 3 and all of a sudden 3-4 days a week I was alone with them. At first I was scared, hell, I was terrified. But quickly, I realized how cool they are, how they constantly amazed me and it saddened me that I missed so much. Now I lead the charge on walks, bike rides, adventures, movie nights. My W thinks it's all an act (along with my entire personality change) but I really enjoy having them with me.

I am praying that your H has the same reaction at some point.

[T384]

Hey Lorelai-

How are things going

[Lorelai]

Hi TO,

Thanks for checking in. That's so sweet of you! I've been reading everyone's updates but not posting as much. I'm so happy for how everything is going in your marriage. I think about your situation a lot when I get really angry at the way my H is acting toward me and the way you held your head up high no matter how things turned out. You truly are an inspiration!

Things have been up and down. I had an interview the other day for a job I really, really want the other day that would be perfect in terms of growth and setting up a decent future for me and the kids. It's right near my house so this huge life change it looks like we're about to experience wouldn't be as bad because there wouldn't be some huge commute or horrible hours or both where I would hardly see my kids, which is one of my fears.

I feel 50/50 about my chances of getting the job. H meanwhile is mean as ever. My 4-year-old, BTW, she's my D, not my S—I was a little nervous about being discovered on here when I first joined, so I shifted certain identifying details around. But it becomes a pain to post, because I'm always thinking D and writing S, even though she's a bit of a tomboy so her behaviors and activities almost line up with an S4!

Anyway, my daughter has been asking A LOT of questions about Daddy lately. Yesterday she questioned why I was using his dresser drawer, a couple of days before she grabbed a photo of him and said she wanted to use it to make a new dad so we could all be a family, and since H got sick the same week he told her he wasn't living with us anymore (we had been saying he was working because he travels a lot) she thinks he's coming home after he gets "better." When I told H all of this, he said maybe the kids would rather have him in the home instead of me and that's why D4 is saying all these things, so maybe I should move out into an apartment. I nearly spit my coffee across the room, but I managed to stay calm and make it clear that wasn't an option. I've also seen an attorney in the past month or so and he advised to not under any circumstances take H up on his offer to have me move out so he can move back in with the kids, which I would never do. I can't leave my children!

So that's where I'm at. I'm longing to untie myself financially from H other than child support so I can set better boundaries. I also am accepting the possibility of an OW. My sister said when H moved out it's almost always the case--if not a PA, at least an EA or the IDEA of someone else. My H has spent a lot of time with his female boss who I used to think wasn't a threat because she's married with kids, but now I'm not so sure. Last week when he had the girls he took them on yet another playdate with her at this indoor playground at the mall. My D4 told me later. I was upbeat in m response, hiding my distain for this woman, "Wow! That's great!"

Thanks again for checking in!

[Lorelai]

There are a lot of positives going on in my life right now, but I still cried a little last night after I talked to H on the phone. I recently got a new job--it's actually my dream job and will work really well for me and the kids and long term, as I get promoted, etc.--it will provide stability for me and the kids if this situation goes the way I think it will.
Anyway, I had to get a bunch of documents together for HR and there were a couple of things I couldn't find in our file where we keep things like birth certificates, SS cards, etc. and other important papers. I called H since his company changed hands last year and he was in the file last looking for his birth certificate, but my goodness, what a pointless call! He was like "Why are you calling me?" A couple of people have 2x4ed me (is 2x4 a verb now? LOL!) here for calling H for unnecessary reasons, but I actually really needed my SS card and my birth certificate and they weren't there! I just wanted to see if he'd seen them, but my gosh, you can't even ask this guy a question right now. He is just so MEAN! I said maybe I could use our marriage license as one of the forms of ID and had to bite my lip hard from saying "at least it's good for something!"

So yeah, I'm so excited about starting this new job and a possible new chapter in my life and my children's lives. But I am sad abut the separation. Very sad. More sad than I expected I would be with all these awesome things on the horizon. Seems the universe never wants you to have it all. But I know that's the wrong attitude. Happiness is up to me whether H is here or not. Gratitude is the attitude I want to embrace, not anger and bitterness. I have a lot to be grateful for.

[Cadet]

Sounds like you are on the right track.

2x4's are not always bad, just saying.

[Wonka]

Lorelai,

Congrats on your new job!

As for why your H is being MEAN to you, it's because you popping on his radar 'reminds' him that he has a wife which bursts his fantasy bubble with the OW. He just doesn't want any reminders of you. Tough luck, bud. You're a MARRIED man!

Try not to take it personally. I know, I know. Easier said than done. Here's the thing...it's in the very early stages of an A where the WAS puts on the blinders and all the focus is on OM/OW. So when the LBS intrudes on their radar, it is like a fly in their soup bowl.

Pllllfft.

[HeavyD]

This is good to know. Meaness seems to go hand and hand with infidelity.

This explains a lot.

Trying not to take it personally is difficult but can be done if we all know it is part of the behavior of the WA Spouse.

[Lorelai]

Thanks everyone for responding. Is it always an OW/OP? I'm still not completely sure about an OW, but I know I have been deceived somehow. I can just feel it. Last spring after BD H took my oldest on a playdate with her and didn't tell me and when I said it made me uncomfortable, he did it again a couple months later with both kids. They actually went to a beach. While this does sound suspicious, I don't think anything physical is going on. But I've done a lot of non-DB behavior in the weeks I haven't been posting, including calling this woman back in January to flat out ask her if anything was going on and was very polite. I didn't get to say exactly what I wanted to say but I did let her know H and I were separated and she seemed surprised and said she had no idea. OK, I thought, so maybe he HASN'T been confiding in her and this is all in my head. Crazy Lorelai! Then I told her he had taken the kids on playdates with her and had kept it from me and I found out later and that it made me uncomfortable. She said something like "Oh, well I adore your D4!" I remained polite and said "She likes you too and thanks for always being so good to her" and ended the call.

But-- after that conversation, if she wasn't up to no good (did I just use a double negative there?) why would she recently meet H at the mall on a Saturday when he had the kids. I don't know. This whole situation is confusing to me. Honestly, I think they're just working and they're both obsessed with their jobs. H is online ALL THE TIME with work. If we ever reconciled, I would want my old H back, not this zombie guy staring at a computer screen 24/7. We used to know people like this and H would make fun of them. He's had a complete personality change.

...This is why I cry so hard sometimes. Last night I could actually feel my tears were from grief—grief over the man he used to be, who seems dead now. I miss that guy.