Confused and mix messages. Part 3

[Elly4]

Cherry, do you have some GAL time lined up for the weekend? Maybe with some other new moms? That might help for the weekend. If he wants to spend time with you and the baby, I say enjoy it and don't overthink. Just be in the moment. Of course I say this knowing I struggle with the detachment at times too.

[Cherry]

@palau thank you, I do sometimes wonder wether I'm doing the right thing or not. I guess my gut will tell me when enough is enough.

Eirinn, I have a couple things- but he's off four days so not enough for that. Plus I'm getting over a bug so my energy is pretty lame. Being in the moment is fab advise- that's exactly what I try to be. Take it as it happens!

[Cherry]

So h comes and asks me if me and baby want to go out today with him. We go out, I act confident, chilled and more like the old me. We have a laugh together, I pay compliments where I see necessary, I'm flirty and sassy. He does relax and mirrors my mood- we have a laugh together, flirty and being a little suggestive with each other. He once again brings up counselling and asking me to please arrange it. He brings up the R talk AGAIN. I can't dodge it, so I make sure to listen and validate. He asks me why I feel I need time before he files- like what am I hoping will happen. I say that I just don't see why we should Rush this, and I just need time to get my head around what he wants.
He tells me things like how he has been working hard to switch his mind from thinking of my sexually. And no longer has those thoughts- but says it's been difficult and has masturbated thinking about me..
I did spew a little there and say if we have these thoughts about each other is this not a reason to work on stuff. Again I calmly told him where I feel I failed him, eg took for granted, should of had time together. He said that is in my head, and that I have done nothing wrong- this is just the way he is feeling.
He says how we are always going to be a part of one another's lives.

He said he appreciated I was honest with him, and hoped that I wouldn't get upset. To be honest I did feel like getting upset. I smiled and told him I was completely fine- smiled, made it look convincing- he did looked shocked a little. This was definitely a 180 for me. I thought I would come on here and vent.

I know I did mess up and spewed a bit. I get worried maybe he isn't wayward- and maybe not in a fog, but these are just genuine feelings. But then at the same time he contradicts himself. Why would you want sex with someone and find them attractive and not want to be with them. He has well and truly put me in the friend box.

He will be out all night, he told me his weekend plans, I thanked him for letting me know. I know I need to do some serious DB ing. I feel like I've messed stuff up. The situation just seems so difficult. Then I guess I should count my blessings we can still talk, and in the same house.

This hurts , really hurts. Sort of looking forward to him going out so I can maybe weep it out a little. Think I might research some more into my trip. Time away to make memories with my baby will do me the world of good I'm sure.

[Cherry]

He started to text me while out. Just chatting like friends. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I seem to have lost sight of my plan. When I'm friendly, he seems to be to. Though I feel ill get lumped in a friend box. Though having said that- that is how we started and it quickly progressed to other stuff..

I'm not gonna wallow. Im not gonna think. Im going to do some housework and blast some feel good independent woman tracks.

I AM every woman

[Cherry]

That time of night again. Feel like I cant think straight. He's away until possibly Sunday. Doing I don't know what with I don't know who. Hasn't even packed a change of clothes! Ugh

[Fogg]

Remember, it doesn't really matter. Its his battle to fight, you have your own. Who hes with, what hes doing, it only serves to drive you crazy if you try to figure it out.

Look at me, my W came home a few hours ago from work, took a shower, got dressed and said shes going out with friends tonight. We chatted for a while, it was all pleasant. She even put on her nice smelling lotions and sprays, and was in a very good mood. Last week she was in a noticeably bad state, so why the change?

Obviously I started to wonder and think, drive myself crazy for a min. Going over the possibilities in my head. Then I just stopped myself, which is what you have to do. It doesn't really matter. I might be able to find out more info if I snoop, but the cost to my sanity is too high to keep doing and any info I gain is all subject to interpretation anyway.

As for not knowing whats going on anymore with our spouses, who the F does here lol. None of us really know whats going on in our spouses heads. We can speculate at times and maybe draw some basic conclusions, but they may be completely wrong.

Think of it this way.

You know the infinite monkey theorem? It's basically saying that a monkey with infinite time smashing on a typewriter would eventually recreate the entire works of Shakespeare. Think of your H in a battle with that monkey in his head, fighting it out for control of the typewriter that controls his thoughts and actions. But, even he doesn't know who's in control of the typewriter at times. Chaos. Sometimes you see signs of what you want to see, then other signs that confuse the hell out of you. Is it the monkey or the H? Why try and figure it out if he doesn't. One day maybe he will wrestle back control of the typewriter from that monkey, until then just sit back and worry about you.

Maybe this isn't the best analogy, but its amusing me right now so ill just post it, lol.

Keep busy Cherry, you got this.

[Elly4]

Is there a movie you could rent? Or you can go to my thread and click on the links that Cadet left me. I'm finding them very interesting and comforting at the same time.

[Cherry]

Thanks fog, I guess so. It's just like I'm not sure what to do. DR says about doing what works for you. And when in friendly, he is more friendly and chatty. I mean I know I can do that and also detach and GAL and so on. But am I likely to make him think I'm on board with his plan, I've made it clear it isn't what I want. But he still acts like this is the inevitable and that sometime we are filing.. I also feel like I might end up put in that "friend" category.

Eirinn, I've just read what cadet posted for you, quite of the MLC things sound like him. But surely he's too young?!

[Fogg]

But am I likely to make him think I'm on board with his plan, I've made it clear it isn't what I want. But he still acts like this is the inevitable and that sometime we are filing.. I also feel like I might end up put in that "friend" category.

I understand what your saying, its the exact thought I've had for a while now and I wish I had a solid answer for it. We just don't know for certain. What does work for one couple may not work for another. DB'ing has shown to be effective, but at times it goes against how we feel. That being said, the fact is if doing what people feel worked 100% of the time, the divorce rates wouldn't be over 50%.

My W is also very chatty and friendly when I seem to be in a good mood and chatty to her. Am I entering her friend zone? Maybe, maybe not. In the past I've wondered if I appeared too happy and was going down that path. When that thought comes up I would be less friendly to her and she wouldn't be nearly as chatty. Its not that I was mean, just less... happy and talkative. She has mentioned we might be friends in the future, to which I replied I wouldn't be her friend if we do D. We both have said to each other we are not each others friends right now, but we still act pretty friendly when were not avoiding each other.

You can state you don't approve of the D, just don't feel the need to do it over and over. The same with being his friend, if that's not what you want, just tell him when he mentions it. You can still be friendly, detach, validate and not be someones friend.

I think you somewhat answered your main question already, if being friendly is working for you, keep doing it, just don't overdue it. Try not to wonder what you think he thinks, it doesn't matter if it appears to him your on board. If you have told him how you felt already once, there's nothing else you can really do. Any more and your go into the pursuing/pressuring territory which we know doesn't work.

[Elly4]

Cherry, Google "quarter life crisis"