Confused and mix messages. Part 3

[Cherry]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548827&page=11

This is the old thread ^

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2543805#Post2543805

Quick recap, h suddenly wants a divorce. No signs of any trouble in our R previously. Only a week before dropping this on me was telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to loose me. Still finds me attractive. Still wants to live together after D as he cares for me still.

Found out about his EA in jan/feb

[Elly4]

Cherry, I was just reading your post, and believe it or not, it helps to see that you are going through my sitch too. My H still says he loves me but can't imagine staying with me. My bad time is at night before going to sleep, but I just remind myself that I can get through this and I have help on here. It's great that you've been making such strides. Keep it up!

[Cherry]

thread got to 100 so started a fresh.

@toots thank you. My PMA is helping me- I think I have better days now. Keeping myself v busy GALing. Lots of plans! I'm definitely trying to find my attractiveness for me. I have never really seen it myself, but always been told by others. What I'm working on now is accepting compliments and taking them onboard rather than say "no I'm not" when someone pays me one (this has also been a complaint of H's).
Funny you should mention that, my therapist yesterday confirmed my beliefs that he is feeling lack of attention/jealous since baby came. She recommended a book called "baby shock" so I'm going to have a read into this.

@sandi2, thanks again for the advise. I Love that you are here to give us insight from the other side- really helps, thanks. Yesterday I needed something urgently picking up that I couldn't get and was by his work, so was sort or urgent. But I get you- I must admit I slipped up and messaged today and asked if he was finishing late. After I sent it I thought why have I done that. Rather than beat myself up (which I sort of am) I need to just put it down to mistake and not do it again.
And that is exactly what I should be thinking- I'll be saying that over in my head when Im in a room with him! I think although I'm feeling more positive, I do think my emotions are getting the better of me in some respects. I need to try push him out of my head a bit more.

Just to journal, we've been out GALing today. Sorting babies passport. Was a nice sunny day so had a nice walk. H wasn't home by the time it came to our usual eating time. So ate, and put baby to bed. The evenings do become a bit of a lonely existence. When baby goes to sleep- it's real quiet and quite lonely. I try find things to do. FaceTime my younger sister who's away at college.. Or catch up with a bit of tv shows.
I'm contemplating learning a language, I'm already part fluent in Spanish- and one of my relatives down the line was Spanish so it's in the blood. I might find a way to teach myself

[Cherry]

Eirinn thank you. It is real difficult. I am really trying with all I've got to detach from him. I'm just reading through your sitch and getting into scratch. It's so confusing when they are lost in themselves and say contradicting things. My H seems to be pretty good at it!

[Cherry]

A q for all, we were supposed to be holidaying in a couple months. Do I still ask h if he wants to come along and get a separate room if he wants.. Or do me and baby just go? I just keep thinking if it's correct that he is jelous of the attention baby gets from me rather than him- wouldn't that make him worse?!

[Cadet]

Or do me and baby just go?

I suggest you just go.

[Elly4]

I agree with Cadet. You should just go. I passionately love my H and he's my best friend in the world (before this all started) but when I went away with my S over President's Day it was the most relaxed that I have been since this all started. Go and enjoy you and your baby. I had so much fun on mine, that I'm heading out again at the end of April.

[Cherry]

I'm for sure going to go one way or another, God willing. I thought if I go, it would be nice for me and baby. And I was a keen traveller pre baby so this is my ultimate hobby. I was thinking a nice city break near the beach, nice Spanish Island. I just started to doubt myself now I have pretty much established that he is feeling pushed out by lack of attention. By not inviting him I felt I was starving him of more attention.
I get so confused at times- I know DBing works and it is supposed to seem like it would be so counterintuitive- but in a situation where he's gone wayward due to lack of my attention. Is me detaching and GALing not going to make him feel even more pushed out?

He came home late. Came to see baby, asked him how his day went.. He didn't say too much, we did have a bit of general chit chat. There's a point when he sounded like himself- like he was almost laughing and there was happiness in his voice. Then he switches and goes sort of moody. Then mutters he's going to go get something to eat. I made sure I kept myself upbeat, cheery- like I'm in a great mood.

I don't know if this long weekend is a good thing or not. H is off fri, sat, sun, mon. He said he wants to spend a day with me and baby. But he's going out fri and returning Saturday, with "the guys" trying not to think is he really with OW. Telling myself that knowing is not going to make me feel better. Going to plan some things to do with baby. I seem to find weekends wondering what he's up to.. I try not to- and busy myself but these thoughts have a habit of creeping in.

[Palau]

I am so proud to hear your story, and your perseverance. Your commitment to saving your marriage is amazing. I hope you go on your holiday, enjoy your baby, and be strong when you get back.

M 41/H42
T 11
M 2 1/2
11/21/14-Argument - H did no get over. Stopped wearing his wedding ring.
1/23/14-asked for divorce.

[Elly4]

Cherry, do you have some GAL time lined up for the weekend? Maybe with some other new moms? That might help for the weekend. If he wants to spend time with you and the baby, I say enjoy it and don't overthink. Just be in the moment. Of course I say this knowing I struggle with the detachment at times too.