Focused on Me and My Son

[Sherman333]

And of course reconciliation doesn't have to mean getting remarried either. It can be anything in between and I'd settle for her acting as a good mother in the future once she's away from things.

And there were some good times even if she doesn't remember at the moment. I know she will.

[OneLessWife]

Wow just caught up. What do you think changed her mind, I mean one minute she is berating you and the next she is giving you almost everything. Do you think she wants out that bad......

[Sherman333]

What do you think changed her mind, I mean one minute she is berating you and the next she is giving you almost everything.

I think it was a combination of things. Her brother thinks she was scared of what was coming, her push to get things done and all the lashing out.

I know she met with an Attorney and the based on what I know, not everything would have been in her favor. The judge doesn't like shared care/cost and prefers to award custody to a single parent for the bulk of the year and the non-custodial parent typically gets the kids more in the summer (if it gets all the way to court). He also takes a REALLY dim view of living together. If you do it during the divorce, I've been told he's threatened to put people in jail. And post divorce, he adds it to the decree that it's not permitted. If it happens, then supervised visits can be enforced.

I'd been messaging her that I was willing to take it all the way too (headphones aside ). I'd told her I wanted physical custody of my S7. I'd also been telling her that he will need his mother in the best capacity as she can be and as long as it's healthy I won't block her from seeing him.

I also think that this was her way of getting control over the situation again. She can say it was her choice.


So last night she was subdued a little and said it was a hard decision to give up S7. I told her I know. That it was what I wanted and was willing to fight for. She also said she really wants him to grow up on the lake and to have a good relationship with me.

She also mentioned that it seemed people are siding with me. She's also concerned about what I'm telling other people and has indirectly asked several times. She sounded sad. She also mentioned that that her brother/SIL hadn't contacted her. I told I was aware of that and that neither of them are happy about any of this and that it is something she'll have to address with them. Both of them had their issues about 6 years ago and worked through it to a very loving relationship.

I also told her I don't hate her and that we both know that this is the best place for S7. That my priorities are S7, Me, then her. She started crying and went to bed. This has been her choices and will be her responsibility/cross to bear if she ever wakes up from the fog.


As I was putting S7 to bed last night, he told me that he will always love me and thinks I'm nice. That mom thinks I'm mean because I frustrate her... this after all the chit she's done. So S7 knows the difference and has figured out a lot more than she gives him credit for.

Soon after this, W went upstairs to get shoes from the MBR and S7 insisted I check to see what she's doing. When I came back, I explained she was getting shoes for her "trip" (I'll explain below). He thought that was ok and it would be bad if she did anything else.

Her "trip" is she's not coming home today and won't be back until Sunday. So she's going to miss spending Easter morning at the house. I'm sure she won't even call. This is what gets to me... all the things S7 is missing out on by having a troubled mom. She told him this a.m. that even though she's gone, she knows I'll make it special for him and looked at me for details on the weekend; which I didn't volunteer. I only said that I hadn't told him yet.

She even started pulling away from S7 this morning and quit doing some of the things she's always done.

She told me she did ask S7 where he wanted to be and he said his house. She also said that she told him that he'd be living with me and he said "yeah.. that's good". Or at least that's what she told me this a.m.

Another item that came up this morning, is last night she was still pushing for me to go out and date. I told her this morning not to do that anymore. That I'm going to be focusing on me and S7. I'll start doing that when I want to. She got a little defensive, but agreed to drop it.

Based on how she's treated her entire family, S7 might be the only family she really has left. Her brother is convinced she'll eventually mess this relationship up too (more than she already has).

She finally asked about the FS8. I gave her some of the details and relayed his confusion about what happened. And how much he doesn't like where he's at. She seemed to get a little more sad.

One area where I may have backslid, is she was asking about S7 after he got on the bus and how he's been reacting. I told her that if she hasn't figured it out yet, he's pretty pissed at her (I can say I am as well). I know he's also scared, but didn't mention that. She got quiet and went downstairs for a bit.

Now a question for everyone... later she was fishing about how our future might be. We have a Jetski I'm planning on selling to cover some of the debt. She offered up her rings I gave her to sell instead and to let her have the Jetski so she could spend time with S7 on our lake (it's private and she'd have to access from my yard). She said she wants to have memories more than anything. I replied that's what I always wanted too. That this is the reason I got her the house she wanted on the lake etc. I told her I'd have to think about it. There's a piece of me that wants to tell her no and a piece that wants to say yes. So I'm conflicted and I know saying yes is contrary to Sandi's rules, but if it helps her to be a better mom? Any recommendations? Nothing has to be decided immediately and I'm waiting until the agreement is signed before I agree to anything.

Such a stupid sad situation.

[Wonka]

Sherman,

What makes you think that by giving her the jet ski and spending some time at the lake will make W a "better" mom given all those horrific behaviors? She's gonna have to prove herself over time before she 'earns' this so-called reward.

Why are you willing to fall on the sword and give her those "toys"??

[Sherman333]

I'm not exactly willing. I still have plans to sell it, but hadn't considered this... My first inclination was "hell no", but I got to wondering later and thought I'd go for a 2nd opinion. I think this is more about her than him at the moment anyway.

For this coming weekend, I'm planning on taking S7 to a water park on Friday. Saturday, there's an Easter egg hunt in the morning. W and I arranged for her to take him to her work function from 2 to 4 (he'll meet OM... her boss I think. ), but it's in return for me taking him last weekend for the day. Sunday, I have his Easter stuff already which includes a couple of lego sets. We're planning on meeting FS8 at the church he's attending so S7 can spend some time with him.

Then we'll be home Sunday afternoon/evening to build the legos and have dinner.

[raliced]

Sherman- I've been following your threads, but haven't weighed in, because you've been getting excellent advice. But about the jet ski and it being a tool to possibly make her a better mom......

Playing with your kid on a jet ski doesn't make you a better mother.

One of your top priorities (as with all LBS, in my humble opinion) should be shoring up your finances. If selling the jet ski does that, move forward with the sale.

If your w wants to make good memories with her son - there are a lot less expensive routes...or she could figure out how to by one on her own. He's only 7, after all.

Good Luck.

[Sherman333]

I'm settled on the question. I'm still planning on selling it.

[Sherman333]

So last night went reasonably well. I picked up S7 from school and attended the parent teacher conference that W declined. The teacher had concerns about him not being completely engaged during assignments. W's note to the teacher was everything will be fine post divorce and an adjustment period.

I went and filled the teacher in on a lot that was going on so she has a better understanding of things. Turns out the teacher's brother is going through a very similar issues with an overly critical W. I mentioned the site to her to pass onto her brother.

We talked over where S7 is at. Luckily, he's way ahead of things for 1st grade (he reads at a 3rd grade level, can do multiplication, etc.). The W has to be hyper focused on something and at one point it was the kids schoolwork. So he's ahead by a lot; which has worked out in this situation.

When we got home, we went on a bicycle ride with the dog to the local ice cream shop and got a cone. The dog has been cooped up all winter too and has gained a little weight. She's an Australian Shepherd and got a lot of attention from the other kids when we got there.

When we got home, S7 really wanted to go to any other kid's house, but it was a little past dinner time and it was still a school day today, although it's only a half day. He was disappointed and ended up watching Avatar cartoons for a bit before bed. I tried engaging him a little and he didn't really want to talk or do much else. He was a little withdrawn. I'm not sure how to help him besides trying to engage him and get him out of the house for GAL activities too. My W is divorcing him as well "so to speak", so I figure DB rules apply for him too.

Tomorrow, I'm planning on taking him to a waterpark. Not as good as the Disney trip we'd planned, but it will be fun with just us.

Saturday morning, there's a local Easter Egg hunt. The W wants to take him for the afternoon Easter event she planned at her work and I'll have her pick him up. She keeps hinting she wants me to bring him into town and I told her that I have no reason to be in town at that time. But I would meet her in town after her event was over... I plan to take him over to Toys-R-Us to spend his toothfairy money and anything he got from her event.

Sunday, I have the Easter basket stuff ready (W wasn't even interested in it at all... completely checked out). Later that morning, we're going to go meet FS8 at the Church he's attending now. S7 doesn't want to go to Church though (W's influence). I explained this is more about spending time with FS8 and S7 seemed to accept that. If the weather is nice, I want to take a bike ride around the lake too. Something I haven't done yet, but it's on my list of things.

So I think it will be a decent weekend.

I think cycling is something I'll want to explore a little more to as a GAL activity. There's some local cycling clubs and it would be a way to meet new people.

[Sherman333]

Edited by Cadet (Today at 03:59 AM)
Edit Reason: Per forum agreement outside links are not allowed

Bummer. That was a good article and wasn't frivolous. So I copied the info below and gave credit (I assume this is ok?). I recognize ALL of these. I can say after the years, most of the them weren't exactly working and she'd blow up. I used to get these horrible text message strings when we'd fight. Crazy enough, during all the Divorce process, this is the nicest she's treated me in a while.

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks. This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

[sandi2]

Thanks Sherman. We have seen this type person, time after time. If you don't mind, I would like to copy and past your post on my thread. Maybe it will help other LBS who have an emotional bully they continue covering with excuses.