May your

[Vanilla]

Gg

Obviously the stories on TED of abuse resonated with you. Can you tell me exactly what it was that released emotion in you?

Yes I know you are no longer in that sitch but the drama is triggered here. What can I do to help you talk this through, if you want to do so?

We are fellow travellers on this road as is Zelda and I understand your concern. Zelda has got this, she is intelligently evaluating her M and her role and thank goodness she asks for help, her roommate, her IC and her friends. She will know if her H is narc on her and will sort it out. My immediate thought is for Gg who flahes to the abuse especially the assault on then S15. This thought arises frequently for Gg and is hurting my friend.

it is useful to discuss these things I think and Gg I admire your attitude. The more that we open up the easier healing will be. I am a warts 'n all too, I hope so.

Can your H still be in your head pushing buttons even though he is physically absent.?

That is how abuse is. I know this, we can say no to the thoughts and stop when it arises. I sometimes hear H ranting at me in my head and have to use 'go away get out of my thoughts'.

I am here to listen Gg, and can I convince you to talk to IC about this too?

V

[Zelda09]

Ggrass - the thing you've said that I identify with is the H feigning that we are in control, bowling them over, etc. The Nice Guy. Check out a resource Vanilla pointed to me by the name of a Turtle online, about 'passive master.' It was eye opening.

[Ggrass]

It takes a while to come to realisation they are just narc.

They don't care it was fake. Faked to make them the most important thing in the world.


Those abuse talks tigger me often to tears still, for my self not for him. Of how I wasted so much of the prime of my life with someone who truely didn't care. They didn't really care if you went bankrupt, didn't really care so long as their life continued happy and awesome and it was your job to provide the awesome.

There was nothing come back it was all dishy out one sided, you were expected to drop things when h had family drama. When we had family drama or deaths h resented the imposition on his life.

He couldn't sit quietly and just be. He couldn't offer support to anyone in any real way unless he was the center of the focus. He needed large serves of verbal praise and validation. He needed large amounts of touch and sex or he was desperately unhappy and projected for years that when these weren't to his liking that I was angry and cheating.

It's just a matter of seeing stuff, which does seem to repeat. The brd one hit wonder, but refused to give direct answers. I was left trying to chase down those answers seems people these days just bolt, they refuse to communicate if they are going to upset or feel the other party is upset. Seems to be over sensative and reactive.

Soooooo frustrating, when his words were all keen but his actions less so.

Cute dude as well! If I'm honnest rhc too. They are all keen to look and make big promises but none want to put actions behind their words.

[Ggrass]

The turtle Stuff is almost gerafe and jackel talk.

The reason why I have listened s17 to spew Is to help build that emotional connection. To give him a safe palce to express his emotion. The first step was to give him the safety and then to direct his verbal abuse language. Or tools to deal with what he needs to do.

The biggest let down was my validations, I don't think actually directing him will work, he will resent being told to do anything which is why the spew got worse.

Telling him not to, is in his eyes like an order and thus he will in the short term rebel due to age.

Tough, one. Althought I did suggest now he know how to fill in welfare forms he can fill in job applications. something his actions have shown he can do. he had no response to any of that.

[Vanilla]

Gg, if I understand you then you are upset that you wasted your years with a narc. Someone who because of narc treated you very badly, harmed you, ignored you and was unsupportive when there were issues in your own life?

His behaviour was such that you were left unsure of exactly what to do in your M for the M to be happy. H was always dissatisfied with his life ad blamed you for it! I hope that I have assessed that ok.

When you first met H, how was he? Were there any indications that he had these tendencies?

You obviously felt he would make a good life partner then, so did his behaviour gradually change?

You were very clearly unhappy, what did you do to try to resolve it? Did you think of leaving?

Do you think this affected S17?


Did you think of finishing and asking H to leave or was the assault on Sthen15 the trigger?

i would like to understand and if this is very distressing it's ok too.

V

[Ggrass]

Gg, if I understand you then you are upset that you wasted your years with a narc. Someone who because of narc treated you very badly, harmed you, ignored you and was unsupportive when there were issues in your own life?

well the issues crept in slowly, h also did what that woman's h in the video did. He confessed his sins in his first marriage the fact xw "thought" and told people h sexually assulted Her by forcing her, assulted and was tough on their s25. She herself told me h was unsupportive and very selfish in his desires. Which was not totally the case first. H always expressed resentment, set bounderies and dished out punishment and told you to your face.

As the woman in the video each time something happened h promised it was the last, but each incident pushed the limits for next time. Thus the last year it was an express train one event after another, constant punishments and the asult of s15. I tryed to leave then, I stood up and roared and yelled and became a nasty banshee. Then h talked and as always the excuses flowed and the if your a good person you can forgive mistakes, it was a mistake i didn't know wasn't ok, all the reason and excuses why he wasn't to blame. I worked on forgiveness and found it hard when I was abused and constantly given the Balme for the next 8 or so months. I found it really hard to forgive another event like all the others. The same issues kept cropping up.

His behaviour was such that you were left unsure of exactly what to do in your M for the M to be happy. H was always dissatisfied with his life ad blamed you for it! I hope that I have assessed that ok.
that's pretty much ^ it, I coped the blame for his actions and was accused of everything. I didn't know but smeared behind my back to every relative who would listen. my private intimate life was disscussed with every one from h mother to the ow. There was no way to parent a grown man, I felt I had to tell him basic human respect and how to behave in ways you would a one year old child who took no notice. When you thought he understood he would then flip saying you were the one who was the child.


When you first met H, how was he? Were there any indications that he had these tendencies?
his xw talked about him being that way, but part of both their story added up and was identical. Both blamed her sex issues for the r breaking down. There was some odd things that I was forced to endure like xw getting a say in h life after the d. The fact he considered them still friends, but she took advantage and h in his way allowed her to. She borrowed money in h name but he had to sign for it? He also allowed her stay with us in the house on the odd weekend to have joint time with s25, to which she complained constantly. Unsure why you would.

When h called her all the things he called me liar, wh&$) sneaky manilpution master.

You obviously felt he would make a good life partner then, so did his behaviour gradually change?
he gas lighted and re wrote history often saying I was confused. That started early on. I didn't relaise it then, but see it now. He was more subtle about what he did, and always in the beginning had reasonable and plauseable stories. H worked had goals was prepared to get them and seemed honnest at the time.

You were very clearly unhappy, what did you do to try to resolve it? Did you think of leaving?
with each escalating event over the years yes, I did say I was done a few times, each time h begged stating he needed to become the person he can be. He acknowledged issues, but then it's was only lip service, very little action.

That last 8months when h hit s15 it was done, by h to force my hand, but he also played the I needed to take the high road and be gracious and forgiving of his mistakes. I know mistakes committed on my end would never have been forgiven so easily. Refusing to check h house while he was away one night in a storm -8 night with a chest infection I coped abuse via phone. H cared more about house, cat and break in rather than my health, even tho h mother had been their that day. Parranoid behviour is a narc specialty. . ]

Do you think this affected S17?
yes, he says not but he copies h abusive words word for word when h cannot get his way


Did you think of finishing and asking H to leave or was the assault on Sthen15 the trigger? yes, but I thought I was being loyal and gracious staying and trying to work it out. I think from h perspective he wanted to have the a and me too so he was managing me down to take the blame for that too, as h thought I needed c and mc. I thought asult of a minor was maditory reporting and that would increase the issues. I said I wanted some time to work things out he agreed. Later he used the me saying not now for mc over the assult was the issue. My issue my cause for the break up.

i would like to understand and if this is very distressing it's ok too.

V

The real beginning of the end was me exploding and throwing everything on the floor. To later regret it but by then ow was relieved and it would have ruined h story of gg the crazee person. I was in a way loosing my grip, h was telling me nothing was real. When I exploded I knew there was an ow. I knew.

All the calls, all the texts all the funny stuff. The staying down there, the truth comes out even if most don't want to know. In fact h was mute, he knew he had been rolled and I was the only time he was rendered completely speechless. He actually confessed, but then when he realised he had made up a cover story.

Those abuse videos do trigger me, but it's not about him. it's more about how I didn't see, how I thought he was genuine. How the L stuff is showing me how far back h lies started.

Quite a long way. I think the quote " there is little you can do when you do not live in an honnest r! "

[Ggrass]

Oh and h was attending mc which h said xw refused to go to when we met. H in h words was the only one trying to save the marriage.

Later h went and saw another differet ic. As h had issues with xw, and was taking that out on me. He needed some tools, which I'm not sure he got.

H always confessed to anger issues, which he stated he knew needed work. Yet with all the stuff that went down in the r, he never sought ic in about 8 years.

I found the goal post moved constanly and h was often more upset over topics rather than solve differences.

[Zelda09]

I'm so sorry, GGrass. Hugs, big ones. Keep posting if you can.
I read your NC bit on Gan's thread. I know that is where I will be soon. Dynamic seems familiar enough.

What do you plan to do about this now that you are getting the wide angle view and time?

[Ggrass]

There is little I can do for the sitch.

If I were to ring h or contact I would be ignored, which is the status quo.
I'm not prepared to disturb that, while I thought I wanted the r, now I'm so not so sure.

H customers keep telling me of being over charged and it amuses me they seme to think I'm in a position to do something about that, as well.

H will continue to do exactly what he wants same as always, but gg won't be there to see it. I won't play games.

I will learn to leave ms fix it wraped up in duct tape. I will take charge of my validation skills.

I have ticked off some of my projects gun licence and truck learmers plates. Need to get on to the truck learning tho.

It might mean I can get a bus driving gig as a second job.

Did the drive way and i think the smallest hound got clipped by the car, hoping he's not really badly broken. Just put him in the crate and will see how he feels later.

My guess is one broken leg.

[Ggrass]

And best news is I don't think the hound is broken.

Weight bearing but very sore. Found some bandages to wrap it up and will redress tomorrow. Have some anti biotic to give him if he gets and infection.

It dinner night and raffles. Got me a friend so it will be cool. Hopefully work bestie will come too although she's on today at work. Got changed after second job and went for a stroll round to get my shopping. Funny how being dressed well and having confidence will turn heads. Lol

Got the chance to do it again next week due to roster changes. Heels and dress me thinks. they always ask where your going, today's answer is somewhere I always go somewhere on Sunday.

Worked a treat, got me giggles and knowing looks, what they knew pfffftttt not much.

Best tidy my makeup from work today and look presentable at least.