WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[Zues126]

Stacey, I wish I could take some of the pain from your heart right now. I am so sorry.

I know others would say you've failed to detach, or that you need to grow if you're still clinging to an H that shows no interest. But while there's some truth to that, I can't help but admire your loyalty and the depth of your feelings.

I feel like I posted this exact same thing once before on another thread, but I'll say it again. If you were over him in 24 hours I'd call you heartless. I don't want to see you suffer forever, but I actually think it's inspiring that you cared that deeply.

It's like on DB it's a race to detach. And while I get that, I really do- I admire that you loved your H that much, and that you took your M that seriously.

Hopefully you can give yourself permission to let go now, and I will pray that you are given strength and comfort to ease your burden.

[stacey9]

Thanks so much Zues, your kind words made me cry!

I think the next stage of my journey is about to begin, but what a journey it's been. To be honest I've spent the last 15 months hoping H's relationship with OW would just fizzle out, but it looks like he is going to be one of the few whose affair goes on and on. Maybe forever, who knows.

But I have exciting things planned! I have signed up for every new group that has emerged at work which will take me traveling around the country attending different meetings and learning new skills.

I have lots of home improvements planned.

I go out with friends and smile at strangers! I have met lots of new people and it feels good.

I run 4 times a week. I love it.

Better days are coming.

Thanks again Zeus.

[SunnyB]

Stacey, so glad you stopped by for an update. I'm sorry things seem so final with your H but you truly never know. And in the meantime you have a fabulous life to get on with! Sounds like you have some solid plans.

[stacey9]

Thanks RPP, I'm sorry I never saw your post till now.

Well I have only seen H once since his move. I have heard through the grapevine that he and OW are so very happy in their new place. It's just like a fairytale ending for them.

But most days I am happy. I have to admit I still think about him most of the time, but I know that will fade the less I see him. We are very close to a settlement being agreed and after that I will be expecting the D papers through the door.

I feel fit and healthy and I know this is a new beginning for me.
When I think back to how I was after BD I'm so happy I survived!

[HeavyD]

Dear Stacey

God bless you. I feel you and your posts are inspiring and sad and happy all at the same time. You sound like you are in a better place now. You H is an idiot who is lost in his MLC. The truth is you don't need him. You have you and your two lovely children and many many more people who love you.

I can't wait until I get where you are - I am almost there - I just want to be at peace with myself and to have the trauma out of my body and mind.

You have done the hard work, I wish I was there, a few more months and it will be a year for me too. I hope I am in a better place too.

Love to you

HeavyD

[skhdive]

I think it is normal to think about the past but just remember it is the past your H is not the same person he was in the past and the new H is someone you probably wouldn't pick out now to be your husband.

Keep going forward. I think everyone even those who are the ones that chose to leave think about the past too and with regrets. If that helps.

[stacey9]

HeavyD thanks so much for your kindness. Your WAW still shows so much emotion - the tears and anger, I've had none of that from my H, its like he's been totally cool and detached from the start. So surely then she must have doubts about her choices? I think you are handling things perfectly.

I can honestly say there have been moments in my marriage where I felt complete and utter happiness. Just being in that place and time where I didn't want anything or anyone else. I don't know if he ever felt that with me. I think this must be what he has now with OW. So this makes me wonder - why should he stay with me, his childhood sweetheart and mother of his children if he can have sparks, passion, contentment, bliss, whatever, with OW?

He knew he would be the hated man for a period, and then everyone would get used to it, which is exactly what's happened. It is win win for him. Infuriatingly so.

Thanks again HeavyD

[stacey9]

Thanks for checking in Skhdive. I agree H is not the same man he was and I would love to think he has some regrets. If he does he hides it well!
Take care x

[HeavyD]

Hi Stacey9

Tears and anger are all for manipulation on her part for me. It's all one big drama party of which I am not intrested in anymore.

My heart has been stomed on and I have finally gotten up and put a stop to it. It has been very hard, out of character for me but I feel a lot better about myself.

Again, tears and anger are her response to my detachment. She can't control me or bully me anymore. Over and out.

[stacey9]

I wonder if anyone can offer me any advice...

Everything is still with the L's and has been ongoing for almost a year. We cannot reach an agreement. Basically, I want to stay in the house, there is a lot of equity tied up in the house, but after speaking to my L at the start she advised it looked likely I could keep the house and also receive a moderate capital sum from H. This is not how things look now.

H first went to a L last year as he maintained he could not keep paying the mortgage (at that time I know he could afford it, he just did not see why he should). He has now moved to a very expensive apartment with the OW and has not paid the mortgage since April. My L has advised we want to avoid court as we are not talking about vast sums of money, and the court costs could outweigh any possible gain. Plus I have no idea what way it could go. So I am paying everything - mortgage, bills, food, everything. And the mortgage at the moment is really high, I am looking to re-finance to get it down to a more affordable amount.

I am able to buy H out of the house - his pension and other assets offset his share. But H and his L seem to have decided the value of our house which I think is totally unfair. We have had about 8 valuations done, we went with the middle amount and the one agreed by 3 of the vendors, but H obviously wants to go with the highest one which means he doesn't need to pay me a capital sum. I am not being greedy here but I do want to get what I am due. They also refuse to agree on the value of another property. They have now said we should just sell the house to get a true valuation. I cannot see how this would be in H's best interests. It is the family home and if it was sold the profit would come to me anyway.

My L has now said I should be happy to get the house transferred over to me and there will be no capital sum paid by H. But I feel I am giving in. It's the unfairness of it all - he's got the perfect life and everything has turned out great for him while I've suffered all the pain and torment. Not to mention the financial implications of it all - I am dipping into my savings at the moment to get by. And at the end of it all, yes I will have the house, but also a huge legal bill to pay. I really don't want to sell and move but I don't know what to do. None of my friends and family know anything about separations and divorce and cannot offer me any sound advice. I certainly can't afford to retain another L.

Do you think I'm letting bitterness cloud my thinking here? Sunny - I have been reading your recent posts with interest. Your H seems to realise none of this was what you wanted so he is prepared to pay the legal costs. I think that is the very least my H could do, but he really does not think he's done anything wrong at all - he wasn't happy and now he is, end of story. If my L suggested him paying this, he would of course just refuse and it all seems to be within his rights to do so. If I had known at the start it all boiled down to H and L getting to decide what the value of the properties were I would never have paid for the valuations (2 of them at least) to be done. It just all seems like a complete waste of money.

I have seen him 3 times since he moved. We had an argument the first time regarding him stopping the mortgage payments. Things were very civil and friendly at his next couple of visits. I believe he is enjoying playing host to some of his family and friends who visit him in his beautiful, clutter-free, teenager-free apartment in the beautiful part of the world it's in. Everything is so perfect for him.

Meanwhile in other news, I am now super-fit! I feel great, I am not dating but I am enjoying my freedom and embracing the single life. I have met loads of new people. I have been asked for my number several times, and even stopped by strangers on the street! It is so odd, but there is no spark with anyone at the moment and I think that's what I'm holding out for.

Sorry for the long post but if anyone could offer any advice I would so appreciate it.

S