WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[stacey9]

What should I do? Follow the advice of my my L and try to get half of what is legally mine (this is an asset owned by h and other family members) If I go ahead I fear this will alienate h even further(if that's possible). I'm also worried it could cause an irreparable family rift.

Or do I forego any share I may have in this asset to keep the peace?

We're not talking vast amounts of money but enough to make a difference to me. I am not greedy and would hate anyone to think I was. And I really don't want h to hate me over this.

What would you do if you were me?

[SunnyB]

Stacey, hold out for half the value of the assets total, not necessarily half of each asset. For instance, some W may be able to keep the house if they give up claim to a pension fund. So is there a way to get your half of the total without making this one asset a deal breaker?

But as far as I'm concerned, if you alienate him, who cares? Hasn't he taken care of that himself?

[raliced]

Ditto Stacey- this is not the time to worry about wounding his feelings. If he "hates" you because you are being treated fairly, he is not in a rational state of mind. Don't sacrifice you well being and financial security to keep the peace.

[stacey9]

Thanks rpp and raliced.

H thought this was going to be so easy - I'd have the house but no rights to his pension and he'd be free of the mortgage, he even said it was win win for him.

But there are assets which are proving difficult to prove, he didn't even mention one of them to his L.

You are right I do need to do what's best for me, he only thought about himself when he left us.

It does matter to me what people think though, and this does have the potential for h to make this look as if I'm taking what's not mine. Some of his family tend to think the house and all the nice things we have are his as he paid for them as he earned more. I think it's an old fashioned thing. They don't understand that it was because I worked part time for years bringing up the kids.

He is now living with ow and they are both on good salaries.

I'll just need to stay strong and keep my head up.

Thanks for your support.

[claire7]

The way I see it, a marriage contract is a legal contract. There are reasons that laws exist to divide property. I'm pleasantly surprised that in a country that does not seem to value the work of a woman as much as that of a man, I live in a place where, regardless of who earned the money, anything earned during the marriage is community property.

My H makes 4-5x what I make. He walked out on me. I am certainly not going to let my pride, or the fear of how his family will judge me, to allow me to make a foolish financial decision.

Who the F cares what they think, Stacey? If your H bailed on any other business contract, he would have a financial obligation. It's business, in my mind. Your future and security are at stake.

[raliced]

Stacey-

You give a lot of thought to what other people might think. Have you thought about the message you might be sending to your kids? That its better to be quiet and not be treated fairly so that other people won't be upset?

There's a difference between scorching the earth by quibbling over every detail and the dignity of expecting and fighting for what you have earned in over 20 years of marriage. If your daughter ends up in the same position 25 years from now - what advice would you give her? Hold the peace? Or recognize your value?

Please don't let your fear of what other people might mistakenly think effect the quality of your life and financial well being. You are worth more than other people's opinions.

[stacey9]

Thank you so much Claire and Raliced for your support. You are both right and of course I should fight for what I am entitled to.

I spoke to one of H's family members who I am very close to and explained what was happening. I wanted to give her some prior warning and I was so surprised when she told me I had her full support - she said I have to look out for myself after all I am on my own while H has OW to help manage the bills.

I have been feeling strong and positive for the last few days, hope it continues.....

Thanks again.

[SunnyB]

Stacey, you still around?

[stacey9]

Rpp thanks so much for checking in on me, that's so kind of you. I'm still here and reading up on everybody's threads every day.

Things are not going so well for me just now. The legal stuff is so stressful and h has been very clever in concealing certain things. My L cannot guarantee a positive outcome for me. H has also announced he is stopping the house payments this month. I told him I knew he was now living with ow which must make his financial position a lot healthier than mine. He said that was none of my business and just reinforced his opinion of the type of person I am.

I have also found out there will be a big family celebration later this year which I won't be a part of and this makes me so sad.

But I'm still running, still keeping on, still hoping for better things.

Thanks again for checking on me xx

[stacey9]

Sorry I've not posted here for ages, but I still keep up to date on the posts every day, usually on my phone during lunch breaks.

Just feeling a little down tonight. H told kids today he is moving away in a few weeks. He said he will be back to see them every so often. He didn't feel the need to tell me because obviously its none of my business. It's a lovely place he's moving to, full of young professional people, with loads of nice places to go and is in a big bustling city.

I think he's becoming the person he's always wanted to be - not the man stuck in a rut with a wife he no longer loves and 2 head strong grown up children.

I know this is just a temporary set-back, just like when I found out they were living together and when I first saw them together, and I'll soon feel like myself again. It's just so hard to think he'll be so far away from us.

On the plus side at least I won't be worried about bumping into them every time I leave the house. It's just another stage in his journey I'll just have to get used to. I just can't help but think he's found his happy ever after.