What a great day. S18 out for a little stroll and d14 is checking out pics on her phone, so I just wanted to share what a great day at the beach we had. Weather is great, had a nice drive.. Water was fab. Kids had me laughing so hard. For quite awhile we were just chillin in the sand talking about so many things.
One thing brought up was me dating. The kids said they would like if I could find someone and they want me to ("as long as it's not dad" says s18). S18 said he hopes I find someone he can hang out with. He said he would love that. He said he would call him dad, but.... I'm going to think that was just a joke. But he said he would love it if a guy could just come in and replace xh's role. Wow. That is sad. S18 really looked up to his dad. Now, I just know he has so much disappointment in him. And xh just does not get it. He really expects everyone to accept his choices and go along. Well... We have no choice to accept them, but he has to realize it does not mean in the way he would expect. So sad.
But, forget him. For me- could I see a life someday with someone? Perhaps. It would be a slow long road. Who knows if there is someone out there for me- who would accept my craziness... I am not really sure what it even entails. Couldn't see myself married again or anything....
But- I won't get ahead of myself. This hypothetical man may not even exist. But, at least I know my kids aren't afraid of something.... Or.... Someone..... Someday.
I am still wiping tears from my face from dinner. Joyful tears- my kids made me laugh so hard. OMG.... I think we were On The verge of getting kicked out.
Xh still texting kids a lot. Sad. Breaks my heart where he allowed this situation to get to. With no room for repairing our family. 20 years of building and one year of damaging every fiber and morsel of what was our relationship. Sent weapons of mass destruction to desinigrate the foundation of our family. But the three of us are rebuilding. We are coming through- together- and strong. This new family and foundation does not include xh. The interesting thing- my friend asked me the other day if I was going to take xh back before. I said I would have liked to try. She asked if I would now. I paused, I haven't really been asked this now. I slowly shook my head no. And I knew this, but- I haven't reAlly owned it. I haven't acknowledged it. It's the screwiest thing- how everything unfolded- and I was so caught off guard by the intensity of the sitch, I didnt have time to get angry (had time- couldn't access) but really didn't digest - couldn't comprehend. Ok- yadda yadda... I know I need to move on. Without him. I know that. It's weird. But I am peeling.... Away. Slowly. I really like when I find MY footing on my path. I enjoy MY path. When I hit the trail of history... That's the hArd part. The friggin trail of tears, now! But I know I will be ok. I know xh doesn't want me. He wants her. I can laugh about it. It only proves he has lost his mind. Crazy guy!
I'm soooooo glad you are laughing and having fun!!!!!!
This is an ORDER! KEEP IT UP.
I remember when the girls began talking about my dating. I think it was an important part of the grieving process for them. IT meant they were thinking of a future, a nice future, where their dad wasn't a part of our circle anymore.
Keep laughing. Keep relaxing Keep enjoying your kids. What a sad person he is for missing all this. His loss. Truly.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Keep up the good work. ENJOY your vacation with kids every single minute of it.
Its time for your healing to really start.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Mighty, I’m glad you are enjoying your vacation. I know what you mean about the history though. It was hard for me too at first to visit the places where we’ve been together or do things that we would normally do together. Now, not so much. I get sad sometimes, but it passes rather quickly. I catch myself quite often these days on a thought that I actually don’t even think about H when I’m out with people and having fun. His loss.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi guys! Thank you so much for being Family Vacation Remix cheering squad!
We got in late last night. Never, in all the times, have I felt like I did not want to come home like I did yesterday. Not that I wanted to stay were I was, I just did not want to come back.
Then, as we were driving home from the airport, I could just feel it. As I started approaching the town we live in, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I started getting the heaviness on my chest. I felt terrible. I realized how much I feel terrorized here. How I feel like I am drowning in.... stuff. In survival mode. Not happiness. Yes, I can be happy and laugh, but I feel like I am in a thickness of bad energy and vibes. Hmmm....
On the other hand... I slept in this morning. Got up and made some coffee, and if feels good to be home. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping, and I feel OK. But, in my home, there silence of disparity remains. Its in the background, like a ghost. You feel the presence, sometimes, but don't always acknowledge it. It just is.
The trip was awesome! I am so glad we went. We really had an amazing time. We were really connected. Kids got along well.... minus arguments over music. Many, many music arguments. I tried to use it as a way to teach consideration, cooperation, and you know... the stuff you shouldn't have to tell a 18 & 14 year old???? So, they would take turns, then it became an issue over volume. Which, you could say, well we will leave it at x. But, the would change it on their iphone, which would be plugged into the car.... you know.... kid stuff... I just heard about it every day. Every time we were in the car. Every song that changed. OMG. HA! OK, maybe not every time... but you catch my drift.
We played Uno in the airport and on the plane. I thought about my thread and kind of smirked to myself.
When we got home last night, s18 came into my room and hung out for a little while. He opened up about his dad again. He has said more this week than ever. He feels pretty much done with him. I said that in time, I am sure they can work to repair their r. But, he is adamant that right now he wants noting to do with him. He even mentioned again how much he looked up to him as a kid. How he just thought he was the best. And when kids would talk about their dad, he would always top them by talking about his dad.
He said he does not even know who his dad is anymore. He feels like he is gone, and he doesn't know this person. That he cant even remember, really, what he was like, and what it was like to be around him. That he can't even imagine him being in this house anymore.
He says it is never going to work out with him and hww. He gives it a couple months, but says he does not think he can stand her- she controls him and uses the baby which is why he is there. He thinks it is so weird picturing him there with her son, he can't even see him really having a r with him. (Xh is not a fan of messes, craziness, crying, any type of... toddler behavior! He was more easy going when my kids were little, but still liked to maintain order).
S18 has come around in his own behavior. It was only a few months of him acting out, but I am so proud that he was able to pull it together. He does have a good head on his shoulders, but I can see how this has changed him. He sill has anger. He has less patients, but I know he is only 18. We talked about how people can "change." And not the way his dad has, but like temperament and things of that nature. It was a really good talk. I expressed to him how I have changed in the past year and that anyone can make changes. It is just about perspective and how you change your view on things or how you perceive them which will reflect in you actions.
It was weird not having him there for our trip. I have no idea- truly- I have no idea about this guy, but it seems like it would be weird for him, too. And the texts to the kids maybe say it. But, I can honestly say, that I felt some progress on this trip. It was an emotional whirlwind. But one thing I really came away with is that I just don't know this guy. I thought it before, and he seemed strange, but I think I thought of it more as his actions. But now, I just don't know him. He is a total stranger. And I think I'd like to keep it that way. And when I see him, I want it to be like a stranger. So I feel indifferent, and can act accordingly.
The baby thing is still the hardest. And, probably not the best place to go was Orlando. It is a baby haven. I mean... i was surrounded, at every friggin moment by babies and strollers and .... all of it! Weren't all the babies supposed to be at Disney? Well... they weren't.
And the plane ride there, I kid you not- it was like out of a movie- either a comedy or a horror flick... I am pretty sure there were more babies than adults on the friggin plane. That's how my trip started. You know I have to plug my ears now when I hear babies or people talking about them- not like full-blown Rainman reaction, but nonchalantly. I can't look at them... PTST. The damn baby! An innocent, cute, babbling baby... a baby I have never even seen... can make me go postal. WTF!
Well.... is the Lord testing me? Putting me on a baby-filled, action-packed plane for 1000 miles? First, my kids made good use of their Beats on this flight. S18 said he took them off for a second, heard what what happening outside of his rap music, and they went right back on. I'd take the rap music, too.
It was so bad, that I could not even count the number of babies crying on the plane. I mean that, because I tried! There were too many. The lady in the isle across from me started yelling, "Land this thing!" "Is every baby on this thing crying?" "How long is it gonna take to get us down?" "Get me off of this plane! What is wrong with all these babies?"
OK, so I knew it wasn't just me being hypersensitive. God has a sense of humor, right?
Welcome home! I'm sure in some ways you are happy to be home. The ghost is still there, but in time, that ghost will not be given a second thought as your life begins a new chapter.
Sounds like you had a nice trip, even w/the babies everywhere! As for the plane ride...babies usually don't do well when taking off and landing because the changes in the atmosphere hurt their little ears and when one starts to cry, they all chime in. You had your own orchestra! LOL! I'm sorry that had to happen...but spring break brings them all out of the wood work.
You needed a break from the madness and I'm glad you took that break. Let's hope that things will settle down and remain quiet for you and the kids.
Happy Easter!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi sweetie. Glad you had a mostly good trip. Proud of you for going.
I understand completely your feeling in your house. Like something is missing and it throws the whole equilibrium off. Almost like you are kinda holding your breath waiting for things to feel normal again.
I get it. It is unsettling. Like what happened to the life you were living? How did it get so derailed?
The truth is that there is something missing and it was derailed. And I know you know that one day it will feel differently and different isnt bad. Not at all...but it is different than what you had, than what you thought it was going to look like.
So, we lose our footing some. We feel unbalanced for awhile until we find our center. And you will...you are.
I also get about the babies. You ever notice when you are thinking of getting a different car that you suddenly see that car everywhere when you never noticed that before? It's kinda like that, right? You are focused still on the baby. Maybe not consciously, but it's in there. So, you are going to notice them because of that.
And because there were so freakin many of them on the plane. LOL!
My son was 16 when all this started. It's a tough age for a young man when his dad does something like that. I wish I could tell you that it didnt affect my boy, but, that wouldnt be the truth.
He lost his way for a long while. He used to feel about his dad the way your son felt about his.
He had to work through a whole bunch of stuff regarding him. I think it changed him forever in some ways.
As his dad moved 6 hours away, it has been hard for them to find their way back to each other.
It is a work in progress. It helps that I never say anything about his dad. It helps that I am ok.
They have slowly gotten closer. It isnt the relationship they had, nor the one they could have had, but, it's the one they got.
One day, Mighty, you will wake up and that heaviness will be gone. You will wake up and take a deep breath and think...I did it. I got through it and I am doing great.
Your life is yours to create. It's yours to paint however you want it. There is something amazing about that, really.
Thanks job & uR. I want to touch upon your posts... right now I have to vent.
This is why I hate being here!
D14 said her dad was coming to pick her up and take her to the movies. She was taking a friend, too. (The friend who's family is friends w/ hww's).
When she told me, the anxiety came back. I don't know why I get so upset, but I think mostly, I just wish he would disappear from my life. His drama is too much. His choices are too much. Thinking about his actions make me physically ill. I started thinking about how I just want to move away. I am so tired of dealing with him. His presence. Him.
So, I was trying to talk to myself about how this is just a moment. Not to get worked up. Blah blah...
Then, d14 started to get ready and then came down and said she couldn't believe what was going on w her dad. First, her friend was already getting ready, and he called her and told her the tickets were sold out at AMC. She said, what about Regal? He said it cost too much, double the price. So, d14 looked it up and found that it was actually cheaper. So she texted him and told him. No response. So she called- several times- no response. He wont answer her calls or texts. WTF!
Now, she is going to have her friend over, and I have to change plans.
