Old Dog seeks new trick 11

[Old Dog]

You must have seen sone chavs when you were in London ganb8te.

Having said that, I have to take issue with 'the demonisation of the working classes' which is also the title of a book by Owen Jones, a political writer I admire and follow on Twitter.

Labelling people as such just encourages the them and us attitudes prevalent in society.

[Old Dog]

Apparently my WW is 'going to leave us to it, and will be back at Monday lunchtime'.

Part of wants to scream at her and another part is thankful I won't have to avoid her all weekend.

[Old Dog]

I couldn't help it. Well actually I probably could but I'm so angry I found myself saying f*** off to her and slamming the door in her face as she left. She didn't say anything, but went to get the car. The car that she says she never leaves us without.

So then I confronted her about that saying so you're taking the car as well then. She said well you can't go anywhere because of S15. I said he'd come all the way from the hospital and then called her a selfish c***. She then hit out of the car to which said again f*** off and turned away and walked back to the house. She called out after me and I repeated both phrases, went indoors and slammed the door again.

Not ideal DBing I know and I'm still shaking. I don't know if I feel better for it or not. I hate her for doing this.

[SunnyB]

DB-ing? Forget DB-ing, how about just being a decent guy? I personally find your use of the c-word offensive and it wasn't even directed at me. Sure you are angry and frustrated, but pull it together OD. If I were you, I'd apologize for that.

I think you need to get away from your W. You've talked about it, seems like you could use the space. Is that possible?

[Old Dog]

Yeah I know rpp. I apologise to you and everyone on here for lacking self control and using the c word. I don't swear very often, especially in front of the kids (and this wasn't).

She swears way more than me, including the c word. I know it's no excuse and a decent guy doesn't resort to it. I just wanted to do it all of a sudden, so I did.

And it's the very worst time to do it as we're going to be here next week looking after S15. I've taken a week off work and she works round the corner.

[Lorelai]

OD,
I know the feeling of still shaking when you completely lose it like that. Just apologize for the language and try not to do it again. Every day is a fresh start. Trust me, I've hurled my share of awful things at my H too during all of this and one of the things that stops that type of behavior is reminding myself when I act that way, all I'm doing is reminding H why he left and whether he's coming back or not, I don't need to remind him of that! It [censored] being the bigger person and right in that moment, yeah, it feels good to let it out, but the satisfaction is only temporary, then you're left shaking. Trust me, I KNOW!

Is there anything nice you can do for her as sort of an apology without any expectations on your end? The extra time you'll be spending with her next week might be an opportunity to practice kindness and empathy and a PMA--in the face of what I know is a very difficult situation.

[rd500]

hi old dog. Sorry that happened but I just want to say that's one of the funniest things I've seen typed on her , not ideal DBing !!!! Again sorry mate but that really made me smile !

You have to pull back with the interactions. Nothing good is going to come from them Did you read Sandis WW post ? Nothing you say is going to affect her at the moment I know how you feel but you need some self control.
Far be it for me to tell anyone how to behave but in my humble opinion you stepped over the line.

Try to calm down mate and take care. Rd

[Maybell]

Well, yes, what everyone else says... Apologize for the language and find better outlets for the future.

So, her S15 just had major surgery and she's leaving for 48 hrs with the family's only car???? I'd be cussing too.

The thing is, OD, you've had a TON of guidance here about getting space and caring for yourself so you can be less reactive. You resist and resist a LOT. If you fought good advice less and practiced a little less Eeyore, this would not have happened.

Sometimes I feel like you don't see the big picture. Your W is behaving TERRIBLY and no one here will defend her appalling choices. But to the extent she's taking advantage of you (a whole, whole lot), you're permitting a lot of it. It's like you go into that house hoping that this time something will be different but instead it just gets a step worse and you're surprised.

Are you following Sandi's WW threads? You should go back and read every word of those. They are gold. What you're trying is not working. Back away from the cheeseless tunnel and rethink your options.

[Old Dog]

Not ideal indeed. I feel I'm complete rubbish at it.

I've totally pulled back with interactions. I figured this week that's what I'll have to do but she just spring this on me again with five minutes notice and I just ignored the warning bells in my mind and went for it.

I even had to get up off the sofa and walk to the door to do it. I could easily have just remained where I was. I guess I did it because I have lost so much respect for her now. I have never spoken to her like that before in 21 years, even in the last nine months.

I'm half way through sandi's second WW thread. Really interesting and a bit of an eye opener.

[Old Dog]

I met with my counsellor this week and we did a cost / benefit analysis of some possible options to improve my situation. Below is a brief summary.

Leave home and stay with my mum when I come back to see the kids.

Costs

• I won’t be able to return to the house and live with my kids.
• I will be removed with fewer chances to demonstrate positive changes.
• It may be a step towards OM becoming the kids step dad.
• I would have to move everything of mine out.
• I may lose joint ownership of many items if I don’t want anything to do with her. (Possibly a knee jerk passive aggressive response but maybe still valid anyway.)
• I may have to move some stuff stored in my mum’s barn back in.

Benefits

• I wouldn’t have to see her and therefore reduce the stress and hurt.
• I could hand over all responsibilities of running the house to her.
• My mum would like it if I moved in with her at weekends.

WW not at home when I’m around every week or every other weekend.

Costs

• It would enable WW to continue her affair more easily.
• There would be some impact on the children as we would not be doing things as a family.

Benefits

• I wouldn’t have to see her and therefore reduce the stress and hurt.
• WW would have to take on responsibility for her weekend.
• I could do what I want on my weekend with the kids.
• I would have a weekend free.

Keep things as they are

Costs

• Continue to take responsibility for house, chores, bills etc.
• Pain: the risk of feeling miserable very weekend.
• I can’t do what I want and get on with my own life.

Benefits

• Seeing the kids every weekend helps me stay positive.
• Demonstrating positive change to WW.

We left it like that but with a couple of things to think about this week.

Are there any other changes that can be made?

How will the kids be affected?